Get up sex machine

I spend the majority of my life with conflicting thoughts. Who is hotter, the guy from Preacher or the guy from The Handmaid’s tale? Should I eat low-fat to save calories or eat full fat because it doesn’t contain the same chemicals? Who should I write about next? The guy with the baby dick or the guy that made me blush like a schoolgirl in his presence? I have decided to discuss the guy that gave me butterflies.

I’m not overly romantic. I currently believe that most people settle, because to be in a couple is what is expected. For the first few years it may be love but I don’t know if I believe in… forever. People change, you compromise yourself. The shit they did in the beginning was cute but then you grow to hate their little quirks and slowly get filled with resentment. Someone is often more in love than the other. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t claim to have the answers. Anyway, what I do find extremely hot is longing. People caught up in the moment, trying not to give into their most basic primal urges. IT’S HOT. In the 2005 movie version of Pride and Prejudice, Mr. Darcy helps Elizabeth Bennet into the carriage simply by offering his hand. As he walks away from her the next shot is of his hand, he stretches out his fingers, like his flesh had awoken, just by touching her hand.

We live in 2017 and I just spoke about my favourite scene being as small as two people touching hands. (Is something wrong with me?)

There are a few similar scenes in the Handmaid’s Tale. June and Nick next to each other facing forward while their fingers graze each other, followed by separate shots of their eyes closed while they react to the moment. Throughout the first season there are so many moments of want and need for each other, the brooding glances, without any words. I get sucked into it, the butterflies from stolen looks. Being restricted from your basic desires. The need to reach out and explore someone else, feeling the heat of each other. It is something that we often take for granted when and if we are in a relationship for a long time, because we tend to not take the time to carefully explore each other. Soooo, I think that I’m attracted to feelings of lust, rather than love.

The following story is my version of it. The giddiness I felt from being in the room with a someone I had just met and the weeks that followed.

Over Easter this year I worked…worked every day in a kitchen at a bar over the comedy festival. It’s my favourite time of year. I love to laugh (that is such a redundant statement) but stand up is my thing. I try to get to as many shows as possible over the month but that wasn’t possible with all of the work that I was doing. But luckily the bar that I worked out ran free comedy, I thought we knew the majority of the amateur comedians that were performing at the pub but we met a few newbies over the time. It was the third weekend and the first Saturday night for the second group, Clem and I were having a great time, but I was a bit homesick and missing my niece and nephew. I decided to make them cool gifts, to let them know that I was thinking of them. Some of the regulars were there as well as some of the lingering comedians that were playing pool. One dude that was playing pool with them was hot, but I wasn’t too phased, I was actually more excited about the gifts that I was making the kids. We weren’t paying much attention to the comedians and one of our mates brought an extremely drunk dude in, who we hadn’t met before. He ended up dropping the gift and it smashed…absolutely everywhere. I was furious and so upset. He was such a dickkkkkk. Not too long later we kicked everyone out because I was over it and just wanted to Christian Bale (leave.)

The next day we rock in and a guy thanked Clem for letting them stay behind while they drank and played pool. She told me his name, it didn’t ring any bells. It seemed that there were plenty of comedians that we did not know. His name was Tom. His eyes looked right through me, he was fucking gorgeous. He was extremely polite to us and hilarious. He would intimidate James Brown and have me in tears of laughter. I instantly had eggplant emoji’s in my eyes. This guy is stunning, funny and thoughtful. His voice was low and raspy, which was helping  the desires that were playing on a loop in my head. After some Facebook research, it turned out that he had previously lived with people that I had grown up with, which was so weird.  I looked forward to my shifts and to seeing him, while trying to play it down.

I would walk out of the kitchen into the bar and there he was. Our eyes would meet before my head would drop down, the colour rushing straight to my cheeks to betray me. I would carry on with what I had to do before returning to my sanctuary that the kitchen provided. Depending on where I was, I was sometimes greeted with a kiss on the cheek or when he was leaving. On a Saturday night, he was wasted and I was extremely forward, (not face to face of course, but sneaky Facebook Messenger). He left with some dudes to go to another pub and watch the premier league, Clem and I were meant to follow after we had shut the pub. I followed them out and on the corner, he came back and kissed me before leaving. I pinched myself, did that really happen? Writing about it 4 months later, I am second guessing myself all over again. I couldn’t wait to get the next pub. But it didn’t happen…

The next day was the last night of the festival…I am not the most competitive person, but when a girl walked in and was so obviously keen on Tom, I started seeing red. The Kill Bill music was in my head. Who was this girl? I was getting ridiculously jelly while watching them play pool. Luckily I had other distractions, like the fact that we had now run out of a beer. Yep, a pub with an event on without beer. Nothing on tap and the fridge was emptying very quickly. So now there were three of us in the running. The other chick was an extremely dominant comedian, that scared the shit out of me, I get the feeling that she was banging a different comedian and was up for a threesome. There was the three of us with the elusive Tom in our sites. Hmm this was going to be tricky.

The guy that ran the festival was being a bit of a dick to Tom, so he didn’t want to be there. He wanted to finish his show and leave. I liquored him up for his final show and the night seemed to go really quickly. I was hoping that his mood would change and he would end up staying.

When he was leaving he followed me behind the bar, entering the other room. He was saying goodbye while I was begging him to stay. He went to kiss me on the cheek, but I moved and his lips found mine. There was time for a few stolen kisses, before stopping as we weren’t the only ones in the room. My smile reached my eyes…I wanted more. The kisses although totally satisfying, weren’t enough. I needed him and I needed him badly. However, I was pretty psyched that I was the one that ended up kissing him. I only realised later when we were chatting online that the other chick had taken him home last week when they were drunk. I was mortified. I felt so stupid. He downplayed it, but I would soon find out that it didn’t really matter. As I didn’t realise that this would be the last time that I would see him.

He left…

The man with the deep brown eyes, moved back interstate to his family. He packed his things and said goodbye to his friends. We didn’t have time to catch up before he left. Why would we? We had only known each other for just over a week. Now I sometimes send him, highly inappropriate shit by message but he is so sweet, he just laughs it off… like I am sure he will do with this blog post. So now I am left with memories of a few stolen kisses and sideways glances while all I wanted him to do was bend me over the pool table.

Those fucking eyes. *sigh*

 

 

No-Men-Bro update

Soooooo if we remember back to me not being able to last No-Men-Bro, which there was disappointment all round, except when I was climaxing. Anyway that isn’t the point. I just wanted to let my loyal readers know that my dry spell resulting from heartbreak lasted from New Year’s Day to Good Friday. But now we are back in the game…So I nearly lasted without the D for four whole months!!!!Maybe I am now destined to only have sex on public holidays though :p

Story about dating a fucked up baker is coming tomorrow…

This guy mos def lifts bro…

I have written about lovable hair pulling shorty, now I will tell you about the other Lebanese Australian man that I have dated, who is pretty much, the complete opposite of him. He was 6’4 and 103 kg’s, lets call him Unit, cause that’s what he was. I dated him years ago. I was intrigued by this guy. He was massive. We met on a dating website. we chatted for a bit and he seemed like a really nice guy. His pics weren’t anything special, amazing body, wasn’t too sure about his face, but I can get past that because he was nice. Reading that back, I sound like a shallow bitch, but that isn’t the case. When it comes to internet dating, after a while you do come with a side of skepticism. Anyway, he asked me out and wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with me. As far as I’m concerned that’s a pretty big no no, so I graciously declined and suggested another day. Why would I want to go out on a first date on Valentine’s day? My idea of Valentine’s day is watching seriously depressing movies like Blue Valentine and Revolutionary Road with pizza and red wine. I am not even being over dramatic, which is a change. I really do love those movies. The start being so promising and then life and it’s shittyness fucking things up for a couple where their relationship changes over many years. That isn’t me being a depressing psycho, that’s change and if a couple changes together or separately and then they fall apart. I am getting off topic, so we scheduled coffee in the morning a few days later.

The conversation before we had meet was pretty bland. He was a gentleman. Nothing sexual (eg. no dick pics) no dirty comments, nothing. I wore a really pretty pink floral dress and I felt vibrant and confident (okay, the confident part is a stretch, but I felt like I looked cute, still wanted to vomit though.) We actually pulled up at the cafe at the same time. This guy was fucking massive. I felt tiny beside him. It was hot. I felt like he was Shaq and I was his tiny wife.

 

He gave me a kiss on the mouth, which for me is another turn on, it catches me off guard and I like the confidence it shows on their end. He pulled out my seat and we ordered coffees. So far, so good. He was lovely. We had heaps to talk about, actually we didn’t shut up. He came from a massive family and he told me all about them. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and asked a lot of questions about me as well, (this can also be rare.) He had a cheeky smile and we had heaps of chemistry. I really liked the guy. He paid for our drinks, also a nice touch. He suggested that we watch a movie. I was excited, maybe we would make out in the cinema, that could be cool, old school, but I’ll give it a crack. He discussed that we would take both of our cars and that I would follow him because we were over in his hood. That is fine with me, still had not thought anything strange was happening. We started driving. I do have a rough idea of the area since a couple of my friends live over that way and this isn’t the way I would go to the movies, it’s actually in the other direction, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We drove for another 10 minutes and I was still hopeful that we weren’t in fact driving back to his house…which we were. I was in two minds, most of me was saying, well that was cheeky. Where as the other part was saying, well played.

We walked inside, said hi to his housemate and he showed me around. He had like a separate area of the house, which had a kitchen, bathroom, etc, but was still connected. I don’t know why it was like that, but still not that weird. The weird part was when we got into his little section, there were mirrors all over the walls. Yep. Mirrors. He was renting, so he said that he hadn’t put them up, but who knows. The thing I was most upset about was that he didn’t even put a movie on!!!!!!!!!! Now that upset me. Not enough though, because we started making out on the couch. Unit was all over me and it was hot. So hot that we moved things into the bedroom, where there was more mirrors, I might add. So we both got to put on shows for not only each other but could fully work on our sexy faces and moves while looking in the mirror. That definitely enhanced the experience as well as the fact that I was fucking a giant. We hung out for a bit but I was getting restless and wanted to bail and go and see what my friends were up to. Little did they know that the date went down better than my delicious latte.

I booty called him a few weeks later and we hooked up again, but after that the novelty wore off. I have now ticked both the giant and the mirrored walls off my sexual bucket list. I will never fall for the movie trick again though, I want movie details, not directions to your house!!!

Breaking up blows

ATM, I’m heartbroken. (At the moment Clem, not Ass to Mouth!) It ended fucking horrifically. We were in some bullshit non relationship, that meant we spoke everyday, I would stay at his house a couple of nights a week, etc. Anyway, this is all about my top tips of how to handle a break up, fuck people that say this isn’t as bad of a break up, things ended and we no longer see each other, that’s a break up to me. Sure they might be things that I wish I had done.

1. Save whatever self respect you have and stop messaging them. (I did this, after two days of abusive messages to him. Maybe I did tell him that I poured strawberry Big M over his car and that I was going to ruin his life. Okay that definitely happened. Maybe it backfired because he knows me that well that he knew that I wouldn’t.) As we have tried the whole I’m not coming back this time before, he knew it was over when he brought up facebook and I had said that I had already deleted him. That’s when it really sunk in for him. I don’t even want to write this, but I totally sent him lyrics to a song that we both liked. My advice, don’t do that, it’s lame. Write down your lame thoughts, it will give you something to laugh about when you feel better.
2. As soon as it happens, watch stand up specials, all day if needed. I did this, it was amazing. I also recommend to watch your favourite romantic comedies like Fatal Attraction and Gone Girl, just to remember how great it feels to be a powerful woman.

3. Don’t cancel shit to wallow. If you already had plans and work, go. It will get your mind off the shityness you feel. Probably best to avoid talking about it and getting white girl wasted if the night isn’t about you though. You don’t want to feel worse.

4.Allow yourself time to grieve. This is shitty. It fucking sucks. But you know what sucks more? Being with someone when things aren’t working. I’m three weeks in and I’ve got thousands of screenshots to send him of funny things that I have come across but I’m not going to…

5. Get a cat.

6.Eat pizza and then go to the gym. My favourite part about going to the gym once, is the fantasy that comes with it. Next time he sees me I will be in the best shape of my life and he will regret ever fucking me over. However, I will probably be have a stained shirt on with my hair up, glasses on (recently realised that I am more blind than I thought) and look utter ridiculous while he is knee deep in vagina. Probably has 3 girls on his arm and they all laugh when they see me.

7.Talk to other boys.

8. Listen to love songs…Then listen to angry songs…Then listen to Fonsay Beyonce.

9.Delete the messages, phone number, etc. I have not done this, because of my current excellent self control and because I am a digital hoarder. I still have text messages from wrong numbers dated back to 2010. This is mos def going to bite me in the ass *rolls eyes*

10.Do something nice for yourself. And most of all, be kind to yourself.

 

 

I hope this post has provided a laugh about such a shitty time. I really wish that I had done the Big M thing, so if you are still feeling bad…go and egg his house.

To the boy this is about,

If you are checking in, I miss you, even though I shouldn’t. I miss you screwing up my face like Adam Sandler does to that kid in Billy Madison. I miss you putting me in quiet time when I won’t stop talking. And I miss you always being worried about if I am comfortable. But I don’t miss all the bullshit you put me through.

 

Please comment below on what steps I may have missed :p

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m officially a bad person

You would think I would be out of stories by now. That is not the case…at all. I think it was last year, I met this guy on good ol’ Tinder. He was half Mauritian, half Aussie. Nice chocolate skin. Majority of pics were good. He had buff arms, looked like he dressed well, one pic was of chop sticks as seal tusks (okay, I can look past that, as I love a good face in the hole.) Anyway, I liked what I saw. He would write me essays, so that is what my girlfriends and I called him.

Essay decided to take me out for breakfast at a trendy Cafe on a weekday. I was running late and he got there early so he could get the perfect seat next to the window. I was so late, therefore flustered and off my A game. But, he was lovely. He was wearing a nice shirt and had gone to a lot of effort. He was fascinating. He had just moved back from New York after spending a year there for work, he was living with his parents because he was waiting for the tenants in his place to move out, was planning on buying a holiday house, had also spent time in Antarctica, liked watching the footy and rock climbing. Basically he was kicking the shit out of life, even told me about meeting Ryan Gosling and him being the nicest guy, even though he had no idea who he was. As we were talking, there was something off about him, but I couldn’t place it. He excused himself and went to the bathroom but I didn’t realise that he had paid for breakfast on the way back. Nice touch, I thought. I thought the date would be over but took me to another cafe for more coffee and cake and then we went for a walk. I knew I wasn’t that keen, but I thought, fuck it, give this guy a chance. He held my hand when we walked (gross) that sounds so mean, but I barely know you. What about if I saw someone I knew? What would I say? Anyway, we held hands. He took me to a park and we made out. He was fully into it, I was racking my brain as to what was bothering me about him. It was like the middle of the day on a Monday, that’s how inappropriate I feel this make out session was. Totally not my scene, but I obliged*. He walked me back to my shitty car and we called it a day.

Okay, so we are half way through this story. I know I am completely fucked up. Girls would kill for this put together dude. Nice, stable, easy going, up for anything, smart, etc. Think of the Sex and the City Episode, where Carrie says that she was trying a guy on to see if he fit, not really your taste but you will give it a go. A nice, vanilla life. Mos def not my cup of tea. 

So we kept on speaking and he wanted to surprise me at home one morning by bringing me pastries for breakfast. This guy was good. I had to see if this was going to go anywhere even though I clearly wasn’t feeling it. I had also realised why I wasn’t into it. Some of his facial expressions reminded me of a guy I went to school with. I know what you are thinking, no big deal, now you are just nit picking. Actual the guy that he reminded me of was autistic, (not that there is anything wrong with that.) But I could not be with a guy that reminded me of a guy I went all through school with and had a lot of really strange memories of. I can’t blame this guy for that, so I said that he could come over for breakfast. We ended up having more than breakfast, it was a three course breakfast. He was hooked. The breakfast wasn’t bad at all. Wasn’t boring like Al-Bran and he was hoping that I was satisfied like at a Continental Breakfast at a hotel. But I could not get the similarity out of my head. So thanks for the pastries but I guess I am getting back with my ex (my favourite excuse to stop seeing anyone.) He suggested that we could continue seeing each other without my ‘boyfriend’ knowing. I said I didn’t think so. A few months later when I went back on Tinder, I received more messages asking if I was single and wanted to hook up. I felt like he thought I was Mia Khalifa, everybody’s favourite porn star or maybe I just wish that.

*I feel like ‘I obliged’ would be the name of my autobiography. Not just in relation to sex but in regards to my whole life.

 

 

Just another night of losing bile and brain cells…

Last year, I slept with a dude that I went to high school with. He fed me by candlelight, told me that I had always been the one and then we made love on rose petals and we both cried when we came. Ewwww how boring is that?!? I nearly put myself to sleep. That wasn’t how the story went at all I got a message from this dude I went to high school with, saying that we should catch up. We caught up for coffee in a hospital, which I guess is a kind of weird place to catch up,  spoke about people we knew and about old times. It was really lovely, he’s a great guy. Fast forward to an evening of hanging out, he slept over, zero funny business, lots of funny movies and cheap laughs. It had been such a long time since we had connected on any level and it was nice to know that we still liked each other as the adults that we had become (even though, let’s be real…I’m hardly an adult.)

The next catch up session things got a bit loose when there was a bottle of scotch brought over, a lot of music doco’s…yada yada yada another bottle down, I am not pleased to admit how we acquired the other bottle. But I drove us to get it, and then McDonalds…At the lights we pulled up next to a cop car and I thought my life was over, as me not driving would be like a Greek tragedy. But we made it home safely, the only accident we were involved in was my upholstery getting ruined by the Coke he spilt, but that turned out not to be a thang in the state that we were in. There was lots of reminiscing, maybe some dancing by the stereo. I thought I was feeling fine and I was alarmed that it was 7am, we had had 2 bottles and I was still coherent…nek minnit its 10.30am and I wake up alone in the bath…uh oh. I get out of the cold bath, and see vomit all over the floor of my room. FUUUUCCKKK. I feel like I’m going to die and I have no idea what happened to him. Or me. Or between us…I don’t feel violated at all, because I probably jumped him and forced my drunken self on his ass if anything did happen, I mean. Dammit! I’m too old for this shit. Moments from high school are rushing back and I haven’t changed since then. Something that no 28-year-old wants to admit to themself, while sitting on the cold floor, next to the toilet bowl. All I know is, I spewed everywhere, I’m naked, he is gone, his phone is off, I’m going to die from alcohol poisoning and shame and I have to back it up tonight with another party. This isn’t a “hehe I got so white girl wasted and blacked out hehe” ditzy lie. I seriously can’t remember those three hours and it never came back to me. I lost significant brain cells. He doesn’t return my calls for hours, I try to clean up the vomit…that smell (vomits in mouth) the most unfortunate part of the story is that I have to meet my parents in IKEA because I have missed our lunch date. There is no hot water, which I am really confused about, because that has never happened before and it is the worst time for it to happen.

I message my friend to pick me up. I use her shower and she accompanies me to the Shopping Centre. Now I don’t love IKEA on a normal day, so today I feel completing boxed in and will either vomit or shit myself all over everyone on a Sunday, that’s not a great feeling as I lie to my mum saying that it isn’t self-inflicted and I think I have caught a bug. It was the longest two hours of my life and I spent the rest of the afternoon feeling sorry for myself at my friend’s house. I was also worrying about going to this party that I was meant to attend. The thought of alcohol was still making me spew and the self hate was at its worst. Thank God for my friend, she dressed me up, did my hair and make up and I started to perk up. We arrived at the party and I started on the water, being around people and retelling last night’s tale was making me feel more human as we all wondered what had happened during the black out hours.

So I didn’t hear from him for a while, but he is all class. He told me not to worry about it and that everything was all good. I was still mortified as he did not tell me what had happened. He told people that we had caught up and was the perfect gentleman…except for my best friend. While they were at a party, my best friend sent me a pic of the two of them. I shuddered as I knew what their conversation would have been about. So three months later some of the pieces were put together which were, that I had indeed thrown up all over him while we were having sex. Yep, thrown up on him. Yep, that happened. Yep, dirty drunken pisswreck vomited while fucking a dude that I use to make out with in high school. If there was a time to die from embarrassment, it would be now…however, at our next meeting I was just as pissed hehe don’t hate the player…hate the game. I am sure you are not surprised to hear that we did not catch up after that…he may or may not have fled the country.

Nice guys finish last…in this case anyway :/

A few weeks ago, I took the great journey up to the top deck of the MCG where I joined a crowd of 70,000 people and took my seat in the nosebleed section. As I sat down, I got a shiver and saw a ghost. To the right of me, through the crowd, I spotted my ex boyfriend. He was sitting with a girl and some friends. In my fantasy, the girl is his girlfriend and he is happy. I send him a birthday message every year, for the last two years he has not responded and that is ok, I still send them. Until now, I did not know if he still had the same number that I had. I thought I would see, by sending him a message and then see if he would pull out his phone or look around. He took out his phone and began rubbing his neck, he looked stressed at the message I had sent. So far this was not going as I had planned. After a few minutes of him looking around we finally made eye contact and we nodded at each other. He looked so sad to see me, that my heart broke all over again, for him. I had hoped that he would come over to me and we could have some agonising small talk. Instead we exchanged a few awkward texts with him being polite but clearly not wanting to continue the messages. So we both sat with our friends, both of us probably thinking that our new partners were to our sides (mine was a friend), in a crowd of 70.000 people and I finally thought that this was the end to that chapter.

I had decided to take a marketing subject. I have no idea why, but it happened. The relationship that I was in was self destructing at a rapid rate and I was weeks away from leaving the jerk, who completely fucked me over. So while I was sitting in class concentrating/texting Sarah about the talent in my class, we played icebreakers and I was blown away with a man that was gorgeous. Years later I can describe him as the guy that plays Prince Oberyn in Game of Thrones. There is something about him that is incredibly sexy, with his cheeky smile and dark brown eyes.

The gorgeous Pedro Pascal…identical to my ex bf 😦

As my life was collapsing around me, I missed a couple of my marketing class and then the next time, got caught in the rain and looked like a drowned rat, things were not going my way. I entered the class and got placed in a group with the hottie from a few weeks previously. I giggled and text Sarah, to talk about my good fortune even though I looked terrible. We realised that we had a lot in common and he made me laugh. I tried to play the role of the smart and funny girl, so I impressed him with my knowledge of where he was from and my dry sense of humour. By the end of the class we had to write down everyone’s phone numbers. I was definitely going to attend the next week’s class. He would walk me to my next class and it was a lovely distraction from the pain I was going through. The next week after he walked me to my next class, I finally got up the courage to text him to be quiet, that I could hear him talking very loudly outside my classroom. That was when the texts started. At that stage, I had left my boyfriend and was living with my brother. I needed this. I needed to feel like I had something to offer someone else. I needed to feel worthy of someone else. This guy was gorgeous, our first date was a midnight walk on the beach. He would bring me flowers, we would laugh, we had a really strong connection and all of it scared the hell out of me. I would tell him that I didn’t want a boyfriend, but over the course of our whatever it was, I have never had someone love me more. He would call me his soul mate and strive to give me everything I wanted. At the start of our courtship he made out that I would never meet his brother, but soon enough, I was there constantly with all of them doting on me 🙂 He had an intensity for life and me that scared me. I knew that he really loved me and I loved him. But I was so badly bruised from my previous relationship, that I never gave him all of me. The different backgrounds that we came from were too much for me to overcome because even though he assured me we would work it out, I was broken from before. I couldn’t trust him to make it right and fight for me, after I had previously been kicked down over and over again. So after two years of being in whatever we were in, I let him go. In the worst possible fashion that I could have. I was a complete idiot to do what I did to him and regret it to this day. For my birthday, months later, he wrote me the most beautiful message, I still cry at the thought of the kind words that he still had for me. I did love him and if I had met him before my previous boyfriend, I believe that I would have married him. But that isn’t what happened and I wanted to write this, as our chapter is now closed and wanted to tell him, I am so sorry.

Seinfeld, Milk & Mars Bars

I am sitting in bed at 6.23am on a Saturday morning, tears are flowing and I am sad that something has just come to an end after nearly a year of whatever it was. I think its over. This time it feels over. Surely its over. This story is not going to be all dark and depressing though, its going to be about my first date with this very special guy. Sure he might have had a job that I really didn’t buy at the start and later he did confess that my suspicions were true as to why he always had cash on him and two phones. He would go back and forth from his ex and call me when they were having another break here and there. Sure there might have been a wooden dildo from Bali pulled out with me, shying away from it and hoping he just pulled it out for a laugh. Sure I would bring over milk and mars bars and we would become kids and eat in his bed, that I would call the cloud, because all of your troubles would float away. Disclaimer: the wooden dildo, never came near me. But our connection was amazing. I would get lost in his dark brown eyes and laugh at his jokes. Things should have ended the first time when he disappeared for a week and then after I confronted him, told me about the love of his life. I was hurt. I sent him Seinfeld quotes of George getting broken up with someone and using the whole “it’s not you, it’s me.” This made me feel better but I wont lie, I was sad. When he messaged me a few weeks after that, I ran back and that has been the same pattern for the last year. He would message me, we would chat, we would watch movies and Seinfeld,  we would “hang out,” it would end. 1 month, the longest was two months, rinse and repeat. Same old, same old.

I’m not in love with him. But I am extremely fond of him and we just get each other. We love the same TV shows, have amazing back and forth, confide in each other and the main reason as to why I run back, is his ability to treat me like a goddess. This guy has got mad skills that drive me insane with desire. So over the last year we have been on a journey going nowhere but most definitely enjoying the ride! So we go from the worst date of my life, to one of the best 🙂

As I checked my online dating profile, I came across a profile that was hilarious. He quoted the Simpsons in it, looked super cute in his profile pic and just seemed like the coolest guy that I wanted to get to know. This feeling doesn’t happen much, so I knew that I should go with my head and start talking to this cutie. We spoke for a few days, he was incredibly sensitive, as I confided in him that my grandmother had just passed away and I was in an interesting head space. He was super lovely and it turns out that we had heaps in common. We would play stupid games and he would answer all of my questions. After a week we had decided that we would go out for drinks. I was flawed by the fact that he brought up money though and planned that we would go round for round. Don’t get me wrong, I do not expect anything from anyone. But I hate talking about money. I thought this was weird but I still wanted to go out with him.  As I had had a big weekend, I asked if we could do dinner instead. Before we were going to do that though, we were going to add each other on Facebook. This scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want him to see photos of me blind, laughing with my make up running down my face, or my arms out thinking I look like Victoria Beckham when I look like Kirstie Alley and I am not talking about her in Cheers. Against all of my reservations, I added him. The funny thing was we had many mutual friends and he knew good friends of mine quite well. We found it hilarious and I think that he was comforted by this fact. I figured that if we had nothing to talk about, I could at least bring this up. We would talk late into the night and exchanged numbers. He called me and we chatted, I was so nervous but his voice calmed me and he was so easy to talk to. I was excited to get to know him and it subsided my feelings for another unavailable gentleman. He had decided where he was going to take me, as it had excellent vegetarian options, sooooo sweet. 

I was on holidays and ended up seeing my friend – the unavailable gentleman. I got ready for the date and ended up dropping my friend/lover home. The car ride was incredible. He kept on asking details about the upcoming date and I blushed and avoided the questions. As we were friends, there should not be a problem in discussing other people. As he described the girl that he was currently dating, it seemed that everything he mentioned was the opposite of me. I was crushed, how was I going to spring back from this and be my best self on this first date? I cried the entire hour it took, from dropping off my ‘friend’ to where our date would take place. One of my greatest anxieties that I face is going to place, looking around and getting stood up. As I found a park and fixed my make up, I looked over the road and recognised my date. This made me feel much better as we could walk there together. He approached my car and kissed me on the lips. Ohhh wow! This guy was super confident and the kiss took me aback. We nervously strolled to the restaurant together. I was super excited and felt at ease with this tall gentleman that walked beside me with so much swag and a kind heart. I was extremely intrigued. We reached the restaurant and he bought us drinks. I was uncomfortable while he purchased the first round of drinks. The first glass of red went down without a hitch and the conversation was flawless. We ordered dinner and I was so nervous with the whole paying thing yet again. Although the money thing was always in the back of my mind, the realisation that we had so many things in common was lovely. This first date was getting hit out of the park. We ate a delicious dinner and then had more drinks, for which he yet again paid for. I had butterflies full of nervous energy and was not sure if he was enjoying himself as much as I was. We ended up leaving after a few hours.

On the walk to our cars, we ran into a girl friend of his, which he introduced me to. He was super polite and the three of us spoke for a while. After she left, he said something which at first, made me blush like a crazy woman. I am so glad that I got to pay for your dinner when I ordered everything. One of the last dates that I had been on, I paid for her meal and she ended up yelling at me saying ‘don’t you think that I can pay for my own meal?’ His face looked absolutely tortured from that experience and that is why he had brought up the subject of money before the date itself. The poor guy. What a mean woman, she could have gone about that situation in a hundred different ways, but she chose to yell at him? That made me like him more. What a kind guy. When we reached my car, we had a perfect kiss to the end of a perfect date..

Over the next few weeks, we would see each other about every three days. He was funny, we liked all of the same things and our chemistry was electric. We started getting intimate and while I type blushing furiously, I can tell you, just you 😉 that nobody has ever made me feel the way that this certain gentleman has made me feel, I was and maybe am still addicted to his moves. I would fully commit to being Yoko and him being John Lennon and never leave his room again…that’s how addicted I am.

When I think back to my dating history, I have had two major relationships in my life. One I look back on fondly, the thought of him makes me smile and I wish nothing but happiness for him. The other I look back on less favourably and consider that I dodged a bullet by us no longer being together. I like being able to look back at the first and feel like that. I was excited to write about this story because this is another guy that makes me smile like a Cheshire Cat. I like thinking about him, talking about him, talking to him and think he is awesome. I like that feeling 🙂

I hope all of the relationships that follow make me feel that way, even if they end. Like this one just did, in the early hours of the morning, with kind words, a dirty phone call, some tears, but no bad feelings.

Tall, dark and handsome? Part 2

Okay okay okay…So I know that it has taken me a hell of a long time to put my fingertips to keyboard and for that I apologise. So here is the final installment of tall, dark and handsome?

As I walked from my apartment to the street, it felt like it was from a jail cell to the electric chair. The constant stream of questions running through my head, how will it go? Will he like me? The usual questions that run through people’s heads before a blind date. I saw a white Jeep approaching.  I took a deep breath and approached the car. I opened the door and was waiting for a smile to greet me. It didn’t. I got in the car and we spoke nervously, so far not attracted to him. As he drove, I began to get nervous as he kept one eye, looking me up and down judgmentally and one eye on the road. This is going to be a problem. He grunted at me. What the hell, was I doing?!!?!?!?! As this was my first blind date, I forced a smile, so I would eventually feel like what I was projecting. He was taking me to Crown, of course he was going to go through valet parking, if I was meant to be impressed, I wasn’t. We jumped out of the car and I realised that he needed a ladder to get out of it. He definitely knew how to take a photo in which he looks taller. We finally saw each other standing up, I know that he wasn’t impressed but the feeling was definitely mutual. I love a pair of warm brown eyes, his judgmental eyes did not line up, as in one eye was looking at the ground and one eye was looking at the sky. This took me by surprise, while looking at him straight on. My smile muscles have never hurt more. When we walked through the casino, he grunted at me if I would like to eat anything and we continued basically looking like small children running through the casino, with him walking at least 2 steps in front of me.

We arrived at the cinema and Gold Class was full. We had not thought this through, okay, let me revise that, I had not thought this through. In hindsight, I don’t think that he was worried about the movie we were going to watch. He asked if I would like to see ‘Red Dawn’ as an avid movie goer, I was unimpressed that I had not even heard of this movie and was less keen to see it, but that was the only thing on, so he asked for two tickets to see ‘Red Down’, so I found out that he was also illiterate. We waited outside the cinema, while they cleaned it. We sat down and barely spoke, he continued to look me up and down. I retreated to another world, wondering if I should say I was going to the bathroom and get a taxi home, I will definitely never get picked up for a first date again – always drive so I can escape, I could never do that, leave him sitting there unsure and embarrassed, but loved the thought of it. He bought a bottle of water, did not offer to buy me one or tell me where he was going. This guy was most definitely a jerk. Now I may not be timid in my speech, but I am in my actions. So although, I was not at all interested, I did not want to be rude or hurt his feelings, so I smiled through it all, knowing that I could endure the next few hours and go home. As soon as we walked into the cinema, he put the armrest up and his arm around me. For someone that acted like he despised me, this was unexpected. Okay, so my brain failed. This guy was a jerk and I was cuddling up to him. I thought he might be nervous, after all the last few weeks, he had been the perfect gentlemen. We kissed, his breath was terrible, I opened my eyes while we were kissing and his crooked eyes freaked me out, so I quickly closed them again. So we continued to make out. Even as I am writing this, I cringe. He was far more interested in getting further and further, so his hands went down my top and as he grabbed and prodded me. His rough hands pushing through my layers to get through to my soft breasts. The movie was terrible. And every 5 minutes, he would whisper in my ear “lets go back to your place”. To which I would say “No.” He kept on trying to get down my jeans and every time I would grab his hand to hold it instead, he would get mad and throw my hand down and try again. The movie went for sooooo long. I could not look at this guy front on, those cross eyes were definitely a form of karma for trying to violate me. I was so thankful that the date was nearly over, but at the same time, did not know how I was going to get out of the second date if he asked. So we picked up the car, he was quite rude to the super polite valet. On the whole way home he wanted to know if he should pull over so we could hook up in the car. I said “Why? If that was going to happen, wouldn’t we go back to my house?” But I shut it down, that isn’t going to happen. He looked mad and I felt awkward. When we finally approached my house, he turned to me and said “As you have probably guessed, you are not my type.” Excuse me? I was speechless, I laughed in his face and got out of the car. I sent him a message saying “I’m sorry for wasting your time”. But what I really meant was You’re a dick.

Every time I see him on the TV or on the ground with my football team, I laugh. So the date was sooo terrible, but it always reminds me, that if I can get through that and laugh, I can get through anything. After all, its just a few hours.

So the second part of this story is now called Short, Grumpy and cross eyed.

Have you met my friend Bridie?

I am fascinated with the merging of friends. Sara and I were friends. Sara meets Logan. I meet Logan. Sara meets Logan’s friends. We all go out while they are dating. We all attend their birthdays. We are in their bridal party. We all go to Sara’s baby shower. We will now go to their kid’s birthday parties for the next few years at least. These people will be in my life and I will probably see them twice a year for at least 10 years. I didn’t choose for them to be in my life, but they kind of now are. I will hear stories about their life achievements and what they are currently up to and they will hear mine. The whole concept of the friend of the friend is intriguing to me. That is why, there is the temptation when you are single to think maybe it is a good idea to hook up with his friends. Your friend is in her element, she thinks that it can all work out in the vain hope that you will then get invited to all of the groups parties and she can then be with a girlfriend that she actually enjoys talking to. My advice is to resist the urge, because that first meeting afterwards, even if it is 3 years later is going to be extremely awkward…

It was Logan’s 30th birthday. They decided to have a party during the day and the day was gorgeous. The wine was flowing, plenty of laughs and food. I arrived early and stayed late, obviously lingered like a creep. I know the majority of Logan’s friends and there were the usual jokes about me and pretty much his only single friend hooking up. We are used to the routine and flirt to make them happy, he is funny, so it is not as terrible as it sounds. It gets later into the night and people arrive that I have not met before. He is tall, dark and semi handsome, actually he is handsome. But I have to leave and forget about this new mystery man.

The next week Sara and I were well into our shopping trip when I remember to comment on the mystery man. Sara doubles over laughing. “You’re kidding, right?” I look at her so confused as to why she finds it so hilarious. “No, I’m not kidding, he is just my type.” Now she returns the quizzical look to me, “You met him a couple of years ago, he was at our wedding, he tried to pick you up at my birthday??” Hmmm, I was with my ex boyfriend at the wedding, but him trying to pick me up a few years ago? “Everyone wanted to go home after our party the other year, except you and him and then he kept on asking if you wanted a lift home and you kept on saying ‘Why would I want a lift, when I have my car here?’ ” “OOhhhhhhh he was hitting on me, I didn’t know and can barely remember.” “Of course you are interested in him now though, no car, no job at the moment, just your type, because you would not want him when he wasn’t going through a hard time, Oh Bridie, there is something wrong with you.” “I think I want to see him again then if he was already keen, tell Logan.” She shook her head and then nodded in agreement. 

Sara continued to tease me for the next week, that I only date losers and should maybe think about dating someone who has their life in order. Logan organised that we would all go to go to the mystery man’s cricket club’s Halloween party, which would be held on Melbourne Cup Eve. We were going to the cup the next day, so the girls and I got ready for a night out, while Sara was going to be the designated driver. Lena and Maddie came over and we started on the frozen cocktails with extra alcohol in it. We were well on our way to getting wasted when Sara and Logan came to get us.

We arrived at the party, as it was a private function, 4 girls and a guy rocking up to a dress up party that weren’t dressed up, we naturally were looked at. The guys that played cricket were happy to see us, their girlfriends however, not so much. Logan introduced the mystery man ‘Macbeth’ to us, this would be the fourth time that this had happened, I think this time though we both would definitely remember. I was so nervous and was not loving the pressure that was on this meeting. He was already blind and seemed pretty funny. So I was instantly more attracted to him. I like my men to be hilarious with just a dash of unpredictability. We tied his shirt in a bow, so his mid drift was showing and while he was getting down to the phat beats of Ginuwine’s – pony. He would knock back his drink and then drop his glass, it was funny and kind of weird. Sara’s feet were hurting from the shoes that we bought last week, Lena was blind, Maddie was trying to pimp me out to the best of her ability and I was nervous, nervous and more nervous. It was time to leave, but this seemed to take a very long time. Macbeth finally asked for my number. He walked us to the door of the pub and kissed me on the cheek, to which Logan’s response was “You can do better than that.” He grabbed me and we kissed intensely, I felt like I was 12 with my friends all around me but the kiss was passionate and hopefully a sign of things to come, if he was coming to my house later that night. We left.

I don’t think that Sara was too impressed with the car ride home, as we were extremely loud and having a great time, laughing and carrying on but Logan coped the dirty looks, while we continued to be silly. Picking up some greasy McDonald’s on the way, we arrived at my house and I was extremely nervous and found it hard to relax relaxing while Lena, Maddie and Logan were having a great time until Sara was well and truly over it and they went home. Lena and Maddie continued the craziness, both so drunk and smashing the Macca’s. About half an hour later, I got a call from downstairs. I went out to meet Macbeth, we did the awkward walk through my lounge room past the giggling girls. I was so nervous, this was the closest thing to a one night stand I had ever had and I was 26. The kissing started to the soundtrack of the naughty girls in the next room. It turns out that Lena was throwing up out of my front door, and it was dripping down onto the floor below. Maddie was losing it and could not stop laughing. The bedroom theatrics went on well into the morning and the giggling from the next room turned into deep breathing from being so drunk. Macbeth slept. I struggled. I got up a few hours after going to sleep, had a shower, put new make up on and went back to bed. Apparently that was all the rest he needed and we got busy again. So far, so good. He did not wake up and freak out as to who he was sleeping next to, which was my ultimate fear. He looked quite happy to continue sleeping,  but I was eager to get him out of there as we were all so hungover and had to get ready to go to the races. He finally got the hint and asked where the train station was. I felt terrible so I drove him home in my shitty car. I was really nervous because we had never really talked before, but he seemed like a really nice guy. This was a shame, I was pretty keen on this guy and hoped this wouldn’t be the last time I saw him. When I dropped him, he gave me a kiss and left.

I returned home to see Lena in a state that I have never seen her in. We went back to sleep for a while, to hopefully regenerate some kind of spark back into us because the day sure was going to be long and humid. We drove to Lena’s, with her head in a bucket. I do not know how she decided that she would suck it up, got ready for the races and ended up looking stunning, while dying inside. We were all ready and underwhelmed at the races and I’ve never been back. Lena lasted an hour before heading home before the race had even started. Sara and I stayed until after the race that stopped that nation and I just wanted to get home. All up, I think we stayed two hours.

I started to text Macbeth for a while and it was like a drug. I was getting limited replies which should maybe have been my indication to stop texting him. However that didn’t happen and I obviously wanted to look like a complete very keen psycho. This one sided texting lasted for four months. Okay, it was only a few texts here and there, but seriously, I should have got the hint, if he did not want to see me the next week, he did not want to see me three months later.  Lena was out the next weekend and saw him. She was again pretty blind and got someone to call out to him. He looked at the group and kept on saying that that was not his name but it was Hamlet. This confused Lena and she text me. Macbeth was definitely his name, but this was another side to his strange persona, because Lena definitely was convinced by the end of that second encounter that his name was in fact Hamlet.

A few months later, I was on a dating website and came across him. He saw me look at his profile, so he checked out mine. I sent him a text and then realised he had blocked me from the site. Even while I write this, I cringe. I have been lucky that I haven’t run into him…yet. It is coming though, as Sara and Logan’s beautiful baby turns into a magical little girl, I’m sure I’ll remain over the other side of the party, trying not to choke on my cake, while Logan continues to embarrass me.