No-Men-Bro update

Soooooo if we remember back to me not being able to last No-Men-Bro, which there was disappointment all round, except when I was climaxing. Anyway that isn’t the point. I just wanted to let my loyal readers know that my dry spell resulting from heartbreak lasted from New Year’s Day to Good Friday. But now we are back in the game…So I nearly lasted without the D for four whole months!!!!Maybe I am now destined to only have sex on public holidays though :p

Story about dating a fucked up baker is coming tomorrow…

This guy mos def lifts bro…

I have written about lovable hair pulling shorty, now I will tell you about the other Lebanese Australian man that I have dated, who is pretty much, the complete opposite of him. He was 6’4 and 103 kg’s, lets call him Unit, cause that’s what he was. I dated him years ago. I was intrigued by this guy. He was massive. We met on a dating website. we chatted for a bit and he seemed like a really nice guy. His pics weren’t anything special, amazing body, wasn’t too sure about his face, but I can get past that because he was nice. Reading that back, I sound like a shallow bitch, but that isn’t the case. When it comes to internet dating, after a while you do come with a side of skepticism. Anyway, he asked me out and wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with me. As far as I’m concerned that’s a pretty big no no, so I graciously declined and suggested another day. Why would I want to go out on a first date on Valentine’s day? My idea of Valentine’s day is watching seriously depressing movies like Blue Valentine and Revolutionary Road with pizza and red wine. I am not even being over dramatic, which is a change. I really do love those movies. The start being so promising and then life and it’s shittyness fucking things up for a couple where their relationship changes over many years. That isn’t me being a depressing psycho, that’s change and if a couple changes together or separately and then they fall apart. I am getting off topic, so we scheduled coffee in the morning a few days later.

The conversation before we had meet was pretty bland. He was a gentleman. Nothing sexual (eg. no dick pics) no dirty comments, nothing. I wore a really pretty pink floral dress and I felt vibrant and confident (okay, the confident part is a stretch, but I felt like I looked cute, still wanted to vomit though.) We actually pulled up at the cafe at the same time. This guy was fucking massive. I felt tiny beside him. It was hot. I felt like he was Shaq and I was his tiny wife.

The Pencils Of Promise 2011 Charity Gala

 

He gave me a kiss on the mouth, which for me is another turn on, it catches me off guard and I like the confidence it shows on their end. He pulled out my seat and we ordered coffees. So far, so good. He was lovely. We had heaps to talk about, actually we didn’t shut up. He came from a massive family and he told me all about them. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and asked a lot of questions about me as well, (this can also be rare.) He had a cheeky smile and we had heaps of chemistry. I really liked the guy. He paid for our drinks, also a nice touch. He suggested that we watch a movie. I was excited, maybe we would make out in the cinema, that could be cool, old school, but I’ll give it a crack. He discussed that we would take both of our cars and that I would follow him because we were over in his hood. That is fine with me, still had not thought anything strange was happening. We started driving. I do have a rough idea of the area since a couple of my friends live over that way and this isn’t the way I would go to the movies, it’s actually in the other direction, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We drove for another 10 minutes and I was still hopeful that we weren’t in fact driving back to his house…which we were. I was in two minds, most of me was saying, well that was cheeky. Where as the other part was saying, well played.

We walked inside, said hi to his housemate and he showed me around. He had like a separate area of the house, which had a kitchen, bathroom, etc, but was still connected. I don’t know why it was like that, but still not that weird. The weird part was when we got into his little section, there were mirrors all over the walls. Yep. Mirrors. He was renting, so he said that he hadn’t put them up, but who knows. The thing I was most upset about was that he didn’t even put a movie on!!!!!!!!!! Now that upset me. Not enough though, because we started making out on the couch. Unit was all over me and it was hot. So hot that we moved things into the bedroom, where there was more mirrors, I might add. So we both got to put on shows for not only each other but could fully work on our sexy faces and moves while looking in the mirror. That definitely enhanced the experience as well as the fact that I was fucking a giant. We hung out for a bit but I was getting restless and wanted to bail and go and see what my friends were up to. Little did they know that the date went down better than my delicious latte.

I booty called him a few weeks later and we hooked up again, but after that the novelty wore off. I have now ticked both the giant and the mirrored walls off my sexual bucket list. I will never fall for the movie trick again though, I want movie details, not directions to your house!!!

Nice guys finish last…in this case anyway :/

A few weeks ago, I took the great journey up to the top deck of the MCG where I joined a crowd of 70,000 people and took my seat in the nosebleed section. As I sat down, I got a shiver and saw a ghost. To the right of me, through the crowd, I spotted my ex boyfriend. He was sitting with a girl and some friends. In my fantasy, the girl is his girlfriend and he is happy. I send him a birthday message every year, for the last two years he has not responded and that is ok, I still send them. Until now, I did not know if he still had the same number that I had. I thought I would see, by sending him a message and then see if he would pull out his phone or look around. He took out his phone and began rubbing his neck, he looked stressed at the message I had sent. So far this was not going as I had planned. After a few minutes of him looking around we finally made eye contact and we nodded at each other. He looked so sad to see me, that my heart broke all over again, for him. I had hoped that he would come over to me and we could have some agonising small talk. Instead we exchanged a few awkward texts with him being polite but clearly not wanting to continue the messages. So we both sat with our friends, both of us probably thinking that our new partners were to our sides (mine was a friend), in a crowd of 70.000 people and I finally thought that this was the end to that chapter.

I had decided to take a marketing subject. I have no idea why, but it happened. The relationship that I was in was self destructing at a rapid rate and I was weeks away from leaving the jerk, who completely fucked me over. So while I was sitting in class concentrating/texting Sarah about the talent in my class, we played icebreakers and I was blown away with a man that was gorgeous. Years later I can describe him as the guy that plays Prince Oberyn in Game of Thrones. There is something about him that is incredibly sexy, with his cheeky smile and dark brown eyes.

The gorgeous Pedro Pascal...identical to my ex bf :(

The gorgeous Pedro Pascal…identical to my ex bf 😦

As my life was collapsing around me, I missed a couple of my marketing class and then the next time, got caught in the rain and looked like a drowned rat, things were not going my way. I entered the class and got placed in a group with the hottie from a few weeks previously. I giggled and text Sarah, to talk about my good fortune even though I looked terrible. We realised that we had a lot in common and he made me laugh. I tried to play the role of the smart and funny girl, so I impressed him with my knowledge of where he was from and my dry sense of humour. By the end of the class we had to write down everyone’s phone numbers. I was definitely going to attend the next week’s class. He would walk me to my next class and it was a lovely distraction from the pain I was going through. The next week after he walked me to my next class, I finally got up the courage to text him to be quiet, that I could hear him talking very loudly outside my classroom. That was when the texts started. At that stage, I had left my boyfriend and was living with my brother. I needed this. I needed to feel like I had something to offer someone else. I needed to feel worthy of someone else. This guy was gorgeous, our first date was a midnight walk on the beach. He would bring me flowers, we would laugh, we had a really strong connection and all of it scared the hell out of me. I would tell him that I didn’t want a boyfriend, but over the course of our whatever it was, I have never had someone love me more. He would call me his soul mate and strive to give me everything I wanted. At the start of our courtship he made out that I would never meet his brother, but soon enough, I was there constantly with all of them doting on me 🙂 He had an intensity for life and me that scared me. I knew that he really loved me and I loved him. But I was so badly bruised from my previous relationship, that I never gave him all of me. The different backgrounds that we came from were too much for me to overcome because even though he assured me we would work it out, I was broken from before. I couldn’t trust him to make it right and fight for me, after I had previously been kicked down over and over again. So after two years of being in whatever we were in, I let him go. In the worst possible fashion that I could have. I was a complete idiot to do what I did to him and regret it to this day. For my birthday, months later, he wrote me the most beautiful message, I still cry at the thought of the kind words that he still had for me. I did love him and if I had met him before my previous boyfriend, I believe that I would have married him. But that isn’t what happened and I wanted to write this, as our chapter is now closed and wanted to tell him, I am so sorry.

Seinfeld, Milk & Mars Bars

I am sitting in bed at 6.23am on a Saturday morning, tears are flowing and I am sad that something has just come to an end after nearly a year of whatever it was. I think its over. This time it feels over. Surely its over. This story is not going to be all dark and depressing though, its going to be about my first date with this very special guy. Sure he might have had a job that I really didn’t buy at the start and later he did confess that my suspicions were true as to why he always had cash on him and two phones. He would go back and forth from his ex and call me when they were having another break here and there. Sure there might have been a wooden dildo from Bali pulled out with me, shying away from it and hoping he just pulled it out for a laugh. Sure I would bring over milk and mars bars and we would become kids and eat in his bed, that I would call the cloud, because all of your troubles would float away. Disclaimer: the wooden dildo, never came near me. But our connection was amazing. I would get lost in his dark brown eyes and laugh at his jokes. Things should have ended the first time when he disappeared for a week and then after I confronted him, told me about the love of his life. I was hurt. I sent him Seinfeld quotes of George getting broken up with someone and using the whole “it’s not you, it’s me.” This made me feel better but I wont lie, I was sad. When he messaged me a few weeks after that, I ran back and that has been the same pattern for the last year. He would message me, we would chat, we would watch movies and Seinfeld,  we would “hang out,” it would end. 1 month, the longest was two months, rinse and repeat. Same old, same old.

I’m not in love with him. But I am extremely fond of him and we just get each other. We love the same TV shows, have amazing back and forth, confide in each other and the main reason as to why I run back, is his ability to treat me like a goddess. This guy has got mad skills that drive me insane with desire. So over the last year we have been on a journey going nowhere but most definitely enjoying the ride! So we go from the worst date of my life, to one of the best 🙂

As I checked my online dating profile, I came across a profile that was hilarious. He quoted the Simpsons in it, looked super cute in his profile pic and just seemed like the coolest guy that I wanted to get to know. This feeling doesn’t happen much, so I knew that I should go with my head and start talking to this cutie. We spoke for a few days, he was incredibly sensitive, as I confided in him that my grandmother had just passed away and I was in an interesting head space. He was super lovely and it turns out that we had heaps in common. We would play stupid games and he would answer all of my questions. After a week we had decided that we would go out for drinks. I was flawed by the fact that he brought up money though and planned that we would go round for round. Don’t get me wrong, I do not expect anything from anyone. But I hate talking about money. I thought this was weird but I still wanted to go out with him.  As I had had a big weekend, I asked if we could do dinner instead. Before we were going to do that though, we were going to add each other on Facebook. This scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want him to see photos of me blind, laughing with my make up running down my face, or my arms out thinking I look like Victoria Beckham when I look like Kirstie Alley and I am not talking about her in Cheers. Against all of my reservations, I added him. The funny thing was we had many mutual friends and he knew good friends of mine quite well. We found it hilarious and I think that he was comforted by this fact. I figured that if we had nothing to talk about, I could at least bring this up. We would talk late into the night and exchanged numbers. He called me and we chatted, I was so nervous but his voice calmed me and he was so easy to talk to. I was excited to get to know him and it subsided my feelings for another unavailable gentleman. He had decided where he was going to take me, as it had excellent vegetarian options, sooooo sweet. 

I was on holidays and ended up seeing my friend – the unavailable gentleman. I got ready for the date and ended up dropping my friend/lover home. The car ride was incredible. He kept on asking details about the upcoming date and I blushed and avoided the questions. As we were friends, there should not be a problem in discussing other people. As he described the girl that he was currently dating, it seemed that everything he mentioned was the opposite of me. I was crushed, how was I going to spring back from this and be my best self on this first date? I cried the entire hour it took, from dropping off my ‘friend’ to where our date would take place. One of my greatest anxieties that I face is going to place, looking around and getting stood up. As I found a park and fixed my make up, I looked over the road and recognised my date. This made me feel much better as we could walk there together. He approached my car and kissed me on the lips. Ohhh wow! This guy was super confident and the kiss took me aback. We nervously strolled to the restaurant together. I was super excited and felt at ease with this tall gentleman that walked beside me with so much swag and a kind heart. I was extremely intrigued. We reached the restaurant and he bought us drinks. I was uncomfortable while he purchased the first round of drinks. The first glass of red went down without a hitch and the conversation was flawless. We ordered dinner and I was so nervous with the whole paying thing yet again. Although the money thing was always in the back of my mind, the realisation that we had so many things in common was lovely. This first date was getting hit out of the park. We ate a delicious dinner and then had more drinks, for which he yet again paid for. I had butterflies full of nervous energy and was not sure if he was enjoying himself as much as I was. We ended up leaving after a few hours.

On the walk to our cars, we ran into a girl friend of his, which he introduced me to. He was super polite and the three of us spoke for a while. After she left, he said something which at first, made me blush like a crazy woman. I am so glad that I got to pay for your dinner when I ordered everything. One of the last dates that I had been on, I paid for her meal and she ended up yelling at me saying ‘don’t you think that I can pay for my own meal?’ His face looked absolutely tortured from that experience and that is why he had brought up the subject of money before the date itself. The poor guy. What a mean woman, she could have gone about that situation in a hundred different ways, but she chose to yell at him? That made me like him more. What a kind guy. When we reached my car, we had a perfect kiss to the end of a perfect date..

Over the next few weeks, we would see each other about every three days. He was funny, we liked all of the same things and our chemistry was electric. We started getting intimate and while I type blushing furiously, I can tell you, just you 😉 that nobody has ever made me feel the way that this certain gentleman has made me feel, I was and maybe am still addicted to his moves. I would fully commit to being Yoko and him being John Lennon and never leave his room again…that’s how addicted I am.

When I think back to my dating history, I have had two major relationships in my life. One I look back on fondly, the thought of him makes me smile and I wish nothing but happiness for him. The other I look back on less favourably and consider that I dodged a bullet by us no longer being together. I like being able to look back at the first and feel like that. I was excited to write about this story because this is another guy that makes me smile like a Cheshire Cat. I like thinking about him, talking about him, talking to him and think he is awesome. I like that feeling 🙂

I hope all of the relationships that follow make me feel that way, even if they end. Like this one just did, in the early hours of the morning, with kind words, a dirty phone call, some tears, but no bad feelings.

The hope of the new year

As I shuffle through the countless dresses in my wardrobe to find a suitable one, to welcome the new year in, I am excited and hopeful about it approaching. The chance to start over and change the things that you don’t like. Over the Christmas and New Year period, I have witnessed couples around me get engaged and a few couples that were thought to be destined to end up that way, end. It seems that with the change of year, your relationship may change too. I was going to write about how awesome it is to be single, all the people you can kiss and flirt with, the freedom that you have to only do what you want and not be forced to be fair between you and your partners family and friends. There is no need to watch Bridget Jones’s Diary and relate to being that single person. But that seems a bit too insensitive, to my dear friends. However you find yourself tonight, be thankful that you have survived another year and smile. If that fails, get on tinder, I’m sure you are minutes away from getting 39357743 dick pics sent to you.

Thanks to everyone that has provided feedback and support since I have started writing. Don’t worry, there are plenty more stories to come and I’ll try my best to bring my A game tonight to create more 😉

New-Years-Eve-2014-In-United-States

Have you met my friend Bridie?

I am fascinated with the merging of friends. Sara and I were friends. Sara meets Logan. I meet Logan. Sara meets Logan’s friends. We all go out while they are dating. We all attend their birthdays. We are in their bridal party. We all go to Sara’s baby shower. We will now go to their kid’s birthday parties for the next few years at least. These people will be in my life and I will probably see them twice a year for at least 10 years. I didn’t choose for them to be in my life, but they kind of now are. I will hear stories about their life achievements and what they are currently up to and they will hear mine. The whole concept of the friend of the friend is intriguing to me. That is why, there is the temptation when you are single to think maybe it is a good idea to hook up with his friends. Your friend is in her element, she thinks that it can all work out in the vain hope that you will then get invited to all of the groups parties and she can then be with a girlfriend that she actually enjoys talking to. My advice is to resist the urge, because that first meeting afterwards, even if it is 3 years later is going to be extremely awkward…

It was Logan’s 30th birthday. They decided to have a party during the day and the day was gorgeous. The wine was flowing, plenty of laughs and food. I arrived early and stayed late, obviously lingered like a creep. I know the majority of Logan’s friends and there were the usual jokes about me and pretty much his only single friend hooking up. We are used to the routine and flirt to make them happy, he is funny, so it is not as terrible as it sounds. It gets later into the night and people arrive that I have not met before. He is tall, dark and semi handsome, actually he is handsome. But I have to leave and forget about this new mystery man.

The next week Sara and I were well into our shopping trip when I remember to comment on the mystery man. Sara doubles over laughing. “You’re kidding, right?” I look at her so confused as to why she finds it so hilarious. “No, I’m not kidding, he is just my type.” Now she returns the quizzical look to me, “You met him a couple of years ago, he was at our wedding, he tried to pick you up at my birthday??” Hmmm, I was with my ex boyfriend at the wedding, but him trying to pick me up a few years ago? “Everyone wanted to go home after our party the other year, except you and him and then he kept on asking if you wanted a lift home and you kept on saying ‘Why would I want a lift, when I have my car here?’ ” “OOhhhhhhh he was hitting on me, I didn’t know and can barely remember.” “Of course you are interested in him now though, no car, no job at the moment, just your type, because you would not want him when he wasn’t going through a hard time, Oh Bridie, there is something wrong with you.” “I think I want to see him again then if he was already keen, tell Logan.” She shook her head and then nodded in agreement. 

Sara continued to tease me for the next week, that I only date losers and should maybe think about dating someone who has their life in order. Logan organised that we would all go to go to the mystery man’s cricket club’s Halloween party, which would be held on Melbourne Cup Eve. We were going to the cup the next day, so the girls and I got ready for a night out, while Sara was going to be the designated driver. Lena and Maddie came over and we started on the frozen cocktails with extra alcohol in it. We were well on our way to getting wasted when Sara and Logan came to get us.

We arrived at the party, as it was a private function, 4 girls and a guy rocking up to a dress up party that weren’t dressed up, we naturally were looked at. The guys that played cricket were happy to see us, their girlfriends however, not so much. Logan introduced the mystery man ‘Macbeth’ to us, this would be the fourth time that this had happened, I think this time though we both would definitely remember. I was so nervous and was not loving the pressure that was on this meeting. He was already blind and seemed pretty funny. So I was instantly more attracted to him. I like my men to be hilarious with just a dash of unpredictability. We tied his shirt in a bow, so his mid drift was showing and while he was getting down to the phat beats of Ginuwine’s – pony. He would knock back his drink and then drop his glass, it was funny and kind of weird. Sara’s feet were hurting from the shoes that we bought last week, Lena was blind, Maddie was trying to pimp me out to the best of her ability and I was nervous, nervous and more nervous. It was time to leave, but this seemed to take a very long time. Macbeth finally asked for my number. He walked us to the door of the pub and kissed me on the cheek, to which Logan’s response was “You can do better than that.” He grabbed me and we kissed intensely, I felt like I was 12 with my friends all around me but the kiss was passionate and hopefully a sign of things to come, if he was coming to my house later that night. We left.

I don’t think that Sara was too impressed with the car ride home, as we were extremely loud and having a great time, laughing and carrying on but Logan coped the dirty looks, while we continued to be silly. Picking up some greasy McDonald’s on the way, we arrived at my house and I was extremely nervous and found it hard to relax relaxing while Lena, Maddie and Logan were having a great time until Sara was well and truly over it and they went home. Lena and Maddie continued the craziness, both so drunk and smashing the Macca’s. About half an hour later, I got a call from downstairs. I went out to meet Macbeth, we did the awkward walk through my lounge room past the giggling girls. I was so nervous, this was the closest thing to a one night stand I had ever had and I was 26. The kissing started to the soundtrack of the naughty girls in the next room. It turns out that Lena was throwing up out of my front door, and it was dripping down onto the floor below. Maddie was losing it and could not stop laughing. The bedroom theatrics went on well into the morning and the giggling from the next room turned into deep breathing from being so drunk. Macbeth slept. I struggled. I got up a few hours after going to sleep, had a shower, put new make up on and went back to bed. Apparently that was all the rest he needed and we got busy again. So far, so good. He did not wake up and freak out as to who he was sleeping next to, which was my ultimate fear. He looked quite happy to continue sleeping,  but I was eager to get him out of there as we were all so hungover and had to get ready to go to the races. He finally got the hint and asked where the train station was. I felt terrible so I drove him home in my shitty car. I was really nervous because we had never really talked before, but he seemed like a really nice guy. This was a shame, I was pretty keen on this guy and hoped this wouldn’t be the last time I saw him. When I dropped him, he gave me a kiss and left.

I returned home to see Lena in a state that I have never seen her in. We went back to sleep for a while, to hopefully regenerate some kind of spark back into us because the day sure was going to be long and humid. We drove to Lena’s, with her head in a bucket. I do not know how she decided that she would suck it up, got ready for the races and ended up looking stunning, while dying inside. We were all ready and underwhelmed at the races and I’ve never been back. Lena lasted an hour before heading home before the race had even started. Sara and I stayed until after the race that stopped that nation and I just wanted to get home. All up, I think we stayed two hours.

I started to text Macbeth for a while and it was like a drug. I was getting limited replies which should maybe have been my indication to stop texting him. However that didn’t happen and I obviously wanted to look like a complete very keen psycho. This one sided texting lasted for four months. Okay, it was only a few texts here and there, but seriously, I should have got the hint, if he did not want to see me the next week, he did not want to see me three months later.  Lena was out the next weekend and saw him. She was again pretty blind and got someone to call out to him. He looked at the group and kept on saying that that was not his name but it was Hamlet. This confused Lena and she text me. Macbeth was definitely his name, but this was another side to his strange persona, because Lena definitely was convinced by the end of that second encounter that his name was in fact Hamlet.

A few months later, I was on a dating website and came across him. He saw me look at his profile, so he checked out mine. I sent him a text and then realised he had blocked me from the site. Even while I write this, I cringe. I have been lucky that I haven’t run into him…yet. It is coming though, as Sara and Logan’s beautiful baby turns into a magical little girl, I’m sure I’ll remain over the other side of the party, trying not to choke on my cake, while Logan continues to embarrass me.

First Impressions

My phone beeped as I applied the foundation to my face. My face lit up like the phone had when I read his name. After only 10 days of instant messaging and hundreds of texts back and forth, I felt like I had known him for years. I poured another glass of red wine while I decided on what to wear for the sexy picture that I planned on sending him before heading out for the night with friends.

“Hello?” The mixture of nerves and I was tipsy made the electricity shoot through me when I finally heard his voice.  His voice was comforting and  it reassured me that tonight was a good idea, even though in my non-intoxicated mind. I would never dare to go to a stranger’s house. His sexy, deep voice washed over me and I was more convinced that we should meet tonight. If it was a disaster, we could leave it in the last few days of the year and move on without much fuss. Before I left my friends for the night, we had one last shot of tequila to settle my nerves before the long cab ride. The texts kept coming while I flirted with the cab driver to get a cheaper fare. I was giving him a play by play, while the cabby and I introduced ourselves and started talking about the current immigration policy, to try and distract me from what I was actually doing. I confided in him when we arrived at the address that he had given me, “Listen Sharif, I have never met this bloke before,” I cringed “Do you think that he will kill me?” Sharif did not squash my fears by the shocked look on his face. “Bridie, do you really think this is a good idea?” I faked the biggest smile that I could “I’m sure it will be fine, he seems lovely, what’s the worst that can happen?” as I flipped my hair confidently. I held my hands together to stop them shaking. “I don’t know if you should do this.” I turned around to see a face beside the window, looking in at me. It was him – there is no backing out now. “Bye Sharif!” He opened the door and kissed me on the cheek. He had said earlier that he would pay half of my $80 fare, but when he opened his wallet all that was in it was a $20 note and a betting slip, he handed it to me. Who is this guy. I laughed and he said “Hey, you can still win off that”. I laughed more and blushed as we looked at each other for the first few seconds. I was shaking. We reached his house. “Do you want something to drink?” Hmmmm I was starting to feel pretty drunk. “Sure, why not” I smiled, hoping I didn’t look like a Cheshire cat, but enough to cover up that I am scared that he is going to drug me and cut me up into tiny pieces.  We sat next to each other on the couch, my heart racing. I started taking in my surroundings, ok he looks normal enough, even better looking than in his photos, which never happens. His house looks clean, which is good for a guy that lives by himself, I’m not getting murderer vibes, I don’t think I am going to end up… a lampshade. Another drink, should surely be a good idea. I hadn’t eaten anything and had already started  mixing drinks, with red wine, tequila and now bourbon. I took a large sip and continued talking to overcome my nerves. Reason had already begun its descent as the night was beginning to get foggier as I got louder. “I’m really glad that we met tonight.” I yelled to him. I got up and touched his trophies to create more conversation. He reclined the broken couch for us and then reached for my can and passed it to me. Our bodies turned to face each other, however there was no touching. It did not take us long to feel more relaxed as we familiarized ourselves with each other, relying on stories that we had relayed through text in the days leading up to this meeting. As he was pouring another drink, the various liquor seemed to hit me all at once as I fumbled over to him in the kitchen. He got closer to me and I felt him slide past.

That was all I needed in the state that I was in, I stared up at him and put my arms around him pushing forward for that first kiss. I forced myself on him. I had waited long enough, which in reality was half an hour. I was that guy. I wanted to kiss him and I wasn’t interested in waiting for him to make the first move.  “This is happening”, I grabbed his hand and lead him to the first bedroom  I found. “Umm, wrong room”, he said laughing at me and the urgency I was bestowing on us. We made out for a while and things got more heated. In my mind, I looked incredibly sexy, this could have been a scene taken out of a romance novel, soft, sensual kisses. However, my makeup had ran, my hair was knotted and I was a drunken mess, with no inhibitions and the kisses were over the top with me basically eating him.

We went back to the lounge room to watch a movie. We snuggled up together on the couch, for only knowing each other in person for a few hours, he made me feel extremely comfortable but I still had butterflies the entire time, even through my drunk demeanour.

          Oh no, I thought as I tried to casually make my way to the bathroom without causing too much fuss. When I got there, I waited until I heard the door’s lock click before I projectile vomited all over the toilet. Even in my drunken state I was absolutely mortified. What am I going to do? Maybe I can just pretend it didn’t happen if I can clean it up before he gets suspicious…The thoughts had not completely formed before he was at the door asking if I was ok. “Umm yeah I’m fine, everything is fine, I’ll be out in a minute.  Everything is fine, don’t worry.” More rambling occurred and even though I thought I had convinced him, he was more than aware of what was going on. I closed the laundry door and had taken off the toilet seat to wash it in the laundry basin and put the mat in the washing machine. He was still knocking on the door but I was trying my best to keep him out. After I had cleaned everything. I stood back and marvelled at my work like a housewife on a spray and wipe commercial. Yet, there was still bits of red vomit everywhere and it smelt like I had drank the whole bar. This was not a good first impression.  He finally got in the laundry. “Are you sure you’re ok?” he looked worried. “Seriously, I’m fine, nothing happened” I slur and give him a look to suggest that he is crazy and overreacting. He mirrored that look and realised there was no point in arguing “Ok, as long as you are alright, how about we clean you up and get a bucket.” He put a towel around me and put me to bed.

I opened my eyes very carefully – the room was spinning at an incredible pace and I looked over to him snoring beside me. Ohhh my…poor guy, he is going to never want to see me again after this display. As I pulled myself up,  his bedside table provided a stable base to lean on and I realised that he had put my phone and earrings beside me. What a lovely guy. I smiled at him, taking a mental snapshot of the moment and fighting off the feeling of added nausea and embarrassment as to what was going to happen when he woke up. I nearly tripped over the bucket that was at my feet. Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no! I had a flashback of an event with the bucket that would burn in my brain forever. I would never deep throat a banana while looking at my friend for giggles again. In the flashback I gag and nearly vomit all over him. I’m sure it will ‘go down’  in history for him as the worst sexual encounter that he has been forced to be part of.

I tiptoe to the bathroom and try not to vomit at the smell, as I realise that I hadn’t cleaned anything and still can’t as I dry reach. I was still trying to put the pieces of the night together, while I tried not to die and cause myself more embarrassment. I looked like death and realised that I didn’t have any makeup to put on and could barely lift my hand to my face to apply it anyway. I went back into his room and made so much noise as I tried gracefully to get back into bed and pretend that I had not left. He woke, “How are you feeling?” he smiled at me, whilst rubbing the sleep from out of his eyes. “Eeeeerrrrrrggggghhhh, not great at all” He laughed and said, “I’ll take you to your car then.”

We got in the car. Between concentrating on not vomiting all over him and the car, and also trying to rectify that I was not in fact, complete trash, I decided to remain silent. It was the longest car trip ever. When we finally reached the car, I thanked him and apologised for the 2939485849th time. He kissed me on the cheek and we said goodbye.

I sat in the car, my head in my hands, mortified. I sent one last text, assuming that he wouldn’t respond. Within seconds I got a reply…I definitely didn’t give this guy enough credit. I mustered a smile and swallowed more vomit.

*That was nearly a year ago. We have had many more funny adventures over the last year and still text everyday. He is absolutely gorgeous. Unfortunately things didn’t work out – I wonder where I went wrong, when I had made such a great first impression :-/ I am incredibly thankful that I did get a best mate out of it though.