Shake it off

So a few years ago, three out of the last five guys that I had slept with had the same name. It was confusing and kind of weird. The last guy was a Baker. He wrote me the sweetest message, fed me some bullshit about how gorgeous I was etc. So naturally I ate it up like, delicious hot cheesy pizza (I am clearly hungry). Anyway we chatted for a bit and then he invited me over to bake Gingerbread men and watch Anime. I don’t love Gingerbread men or Anime but I thought it sounded like a really cute date.

Unfortunately the day that we had picked was crazy hot and he did not have an Air Conditioner, so we would not partake in any baking activities. So I arrived a hot and sweaty mess to a hot and sweaty mess. I don’t know why I thought that drinking red wine would be a great idea in the heat, as it makes me more hot and sweaty. Total rookie mistake. I wasn’t really attracted to him but he seemed really lovely. He did have Netflix, so I was pretty fucking excited (we did not have it in Oz then). He then showed me something that would be life changing for me. He introduced me to my favourite sketch show ever. The laughs were incredible. I was so thankful that he had showed me this, so I made out with him. He wasn’t a bad kisser, but I wasn’t totally feeling it, which was probably a result of the weather. Anyway, we watched other stuff and had a few laughs. He was really into punk, but that wasn’t the weird part. He was into Taylor Swift. Like super into her. Liked her music, she was all over his apartment. I thought it would be a sexual thing but he said that he just really admired her work ethic, etc. I was stunned. She was his screensaver, he had all of her albums and he even had biographies of her. The really manly man, who was sipping on his Melbourrne Bitter, loved a bit of Tay Tay. I was freaked out to say the least. The date was going well, as was the red I was consuming. I played all of these stupid games with him, like what would you do if I…Some of them were pretty funny and he was staring at me all starry eyed (I don’t think he was super into me, I just think he had not been laid in a very, very, very long time.) I wasn’t going to sleep with him but then surprise, I did. The sex was average to say the least. We were so hot and sweaty and not in a hot and sexy way. Gross. After that, I played some bullshit card and got the fuck outta there.


Over the next few weeks he sent me videos of him jacking off over my selfies. I was confused, I guess that’s flattering :/ Anyway, a few weeks later I went back there because I was in his suburb and he told me to come around. So I went. We got down to business quickly and unfortunately it ended with him crying in exhaustion that he could not go on and soon fell quickly asleep. That was my time to bounce. No way I was waiting around after that. The next morning when I woke up I received a message asking why he woke up alone, with that message he sent a picture of him, he had blown all over himself. He was covered in it. The guy was super hairy as well. It was full on. Fuck that, I’m out. But obviously me being me, had to draw things out more and you know I got a video of him fingering his own butt hole. So I gave him some bullshit reason and stopped talking to him, I can’t go from 0 to 100 like that, dude. Baby steps. So that’s it for dude’s with that name. 3 from 3…over.


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