Seedy lines and sticky bar floors

As we all get excited about another weekend approaching, my thoughts turn to “banging tunes and DJ sets and dirty dance floors and dreams of naughtiness”. The appeal of going out never used to really excite me… that was until this year. I don’t know what has happened, but something is bouncing off me and I’m not sure what it is. People say dirty, seedy lines to me and it’s a first, it’s also pretty gross and definitely hilarious. In one week, I was approached by three different gentlemen with the following lines:

1) A wiry blonde skater that has no trouble getting pretty ladies, they frequent the bar he works at, praying that he will lavish an evening of sensual delights on them. We have known each other for a while and harmlessly flirt but one day things escalated quickly when he said to me “come home with me, I want to reverse wheelbarrow you.” I wouldn’t be surprised if my face burst into flames from the blushing of my cheeks, while I quickly backed into another room to hide. I don’t even know what it means. I’ve discussed it with a lot of people just because I’m trying to work it out. I guess he holds my legs, but which way does my body face to make it reversed? So many questions, so much confusion, so much embarrassment.

2) The skaters housemate, who is exactly my type, tall, dark features, so you would think I would be interested. However, he is a form of man, that I have trouble being around. He is a stickler. He is a know it all. He was laying on my couch later that night, when he gave my girlfriend and I a wink and said that he was “there for the taking” until he passed out and we ended up putting make up on him and bright purple nail polish on his most beautiful toes. Which I am sure was much more fun than the awkward threesome that he had in mind.

3) Last but not least, a guy I have known for years, he is overtly sexual, which makes me cringe, was a Virgin until recently and thinks that I’m extremely promiscuous because I’ve slept with a person in the last decade. I actually felt myself vomit a little bit in my mouth when I read the next line on my Facebook message “hmm I know a point attached to me that wouldn’t mind drinking you”. Again, the embarrassment and the confusion was overwhelming.

I can understand when guys say these lines and there is no one else around. I can even understand if they use these lines on 10 women in the hope that at least 1 of them might, in fact, say yes. But the funny lines are the ones said in front of other guys. I was slightly, okay, very intoxicated in the city with a good friend of mine. He is old school and knows I’m poor, so he was being the ultimate gentleman and took me out for drinks. I went to the bar to get the next round and slurred the order, so already I was worried that the bartender wouldn’t serve me and then he hit on me saying that he preferred another kind of rum saying it was more vanilla like him and gave me a wink. I was baffled, is that even a line? He knew I was already with a guy as it was the third time we had lined up, once ordering together. I walked away with the drinks shaking my head. After that bar closed we ended up at the Casino, I’m pretty sure that’s what normal people do on a Tuesday night, right? At the casino we played roulette, to be more accurate, he played roulette. I stole his chips, because I felt bad that he had already spent so much money looking after me. Another guy joined the table and ignored my friend, even though he did not know if we were together or not. The most obvious line being “you can’t be hot all the time.” I laughed and blushed as I tried to coax him into giving me $100 chip, after all I was white girl wasted and did want to contribute to my friends fun times with Bridie tab, that I hadn’t invested a cent in. Unfortunately, he didn’t fall for it and walked away. My friend and I were amused that he didn’t look at him and would only acknowledge him while he was speaking to me. The whole thing was bizarre, so we also walked away to find more booze.

So it seems that books on how to attract men and basic evolution are right, guys love the thrill of the chase. So when I am standing on the dance floor, gazing at a gentleman for a second too long through my gin goggles…I’ll remember to smile, look away and keep that mystique. After all, if they do have the balls to come up and approach me, I love a good line…

*the song that is quoted is Arctic Monkeys – I bet that you look good on the dance floor

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chewin’ and spewin’

As the days are getting warmer, people are starting to get semi nude and it’s acceptable to walk the streets. Kids are sitting their final exams. I look back and think of this time fondly, I mean I don’t wish I was back there. God, no. The of the spring air smells of youth and it takes me back to hanging out and having fun. I’m currently outside and looking up the beautiful night sky, it’s amazing and there is not a sound. I’m looking at the beautiful double storey rendered mansion and grateful of where I am. Ouch! I hit the mosquito on my arm and it springs me back to the present. I am looking up at a house, but it isn’t mine, I’m house sitting – looking after a couple of kids while their parents are away. And I have been kind of kicked out of the house as one of the teenagers that I am looking after has her boyfriend over, so I don’t want to be a creep and sit on the couch with them. The bites are swelling up all over my body,  so I decide to interrupt their “movie” viewing. I was 16 not that long ago… that thought makes me extremely nervous as I walk to the door making extra loud noises so they know that I am approaching. While I retreat in another room until I have to drive the boy home, I realise that when I was 16, that was pretty much when the dating disasters began.

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“Hmmm, I don’t know if I should go out tonight, I’m feeling a bit better, but still pretty gross and I am semi grounded” I say to Maddy East, my best mate.

“Fuck it, we are going. I’ll bring clothes in and we can mix it up.”

“Sweet, you’re right, otherwise I’ll just hate myself at home, best to get amongst the madness.”

Maddy and I walk into the house party and I feel awkward. Being 16, you always feel awkward – actually I still feel incredibly awkward most  of the time. I hate walking in anywhere. People sharply turning their heads to look at who has entered and then quickly turn back, to continue their conversation. This was no different as I imagined that we walked through the party gates and everyone stopped and stared like we were in a teen movie and the ugly duckling had finally shocked everyone with her make over. I am sure that is in my overactive mind and we walked in and the party carried on around us. We quickly found the host of the party. She was incredibly interesting, she was bubbly and extremely good to me for about six months, while we had a class together, but the friendship did not last long.

“Oh Bridie, you came!!!” She was beaming and gave me a tight hug.

“Of course, I came” Smiling and then turning to Maddy to roll my eyes.

“So what can I get you to drink?”

“Ohhhhh I’m still on medication, so I don’t think I will drink tonight”

“But it’s an open bar?”

“Nuff said, I’ll have something with vodka thanks”

Maddy and I walked back outside. The first drink went down without a hitch. Then the second. While the liquor was flowing and I was beginning to feel much more relaxed. Maddy and I would go from group to group talking rubbish to people that we would see all day at school. The party was pretty good. People were having fun and because it was in the small town that I grew up in, it was accessible for people to get to, rather than out of town like usual. People came and went. We started doing shots of tequila. On my third shot, I threw up everywhere. Maddy rushed me to the toilet and I continued to throw up. I wasn’t feeling too bad though. She gave me some gum and I felt much better. Maybe the more intelligent girl at the beginning of that night, should not have had a drink when she was on medication. We went back outside and the guy that I had been hooking up with on and off for years was there (that went on for nearly a decade.) I started to get nervous, when he looked over at me and smiled. After a while, he came over to me.

“Looking good tonight Winters.” He said

I looked down and went bright red. Wait, no that didn’t happen. I wish that happened.

This is what really happened.

“Looking good tonight Winters” He said.

“Let’s go.” He smiled at me and we started to leave the party.

We reached the gate to her house and met some people there to chat. They looked at us and we excused ourselves and continued on going for a walk. We walked up a few more houses and then started to make out. This continued until people were yelling out to us, so we began our journey to find some privacy. We reached an opening that had some grass and trees. We continued making out as teenagers do, oh wait we were teenagers. I thought that I was sobering up after all of that vomiting. Hmmm I wonder if he knows that I was sick moments before this journey . We had never really gone very far even though we had got together on a number of different occasions. Things went much further that night. Not all the way, but further. About an hour later we were getting up to go back to the party.

“Where are my undies?” I asked him.

He continued looking around the area that we were in, but with no luck.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe that you have lost my undies. ” I said between more making out.

“You think that’s bad, at least you don’t have chewing gum stuck down there.”

“I’m sorry, what?” We stopped kissing. I notice that I was no longer chewing the gum and am pretty sure that I didn’t swallow it. Dammit. Mortified. Oh my. This will be an interesting story that goes around school on Monday at 9am. So not only had I lost my underwear. I had the sinking feeling that someone would find them  the next morning, when they pulled up for church, because that is where I realised that we were when we started walking back to the party, in the church car park.

When we got back to the party, I left him to find Maddy. I told her the story while we were in the toilet together.

“So now, I have to stay here and be all commando, because I can’t go home this wasted, Mum will kill me.”

Maddy takes off her underwear and hands them to me, I put them on inside out and back the front. This is what true friendship is all about and this is Maddy to the core, a true friend. Always getting me out of the little blunders that I used to get myself into. Maddy went home and I stayed the night at the party. At some stage, I got another guy to go and help me look for my underwear but unfortunately we couldn’t find anything. There were a few people that stayed at the party that night and we drove to a bigger town the next day to get McDonalds to relieve those nasty hangovers.

I later found out that he had to go home and cut the chewing gum out of that area.  I wish I could say that that was the only embarrassing story that I have with that certain gentleman but that would be a lie. The next story takes place years later and is just as embarrassing… but that will have to wait for another post.

I am thankful though, that when we see each other at the pub on Christmas Eve in that little town,  he gives me a wink and a smile and I do what I wish I had all of those years ago, I blush and look down at my drink.

First Impressions

My phone beeped as I applied the foundation to my face. My face lit up like the phone had when I read his name. After only 10 days of instant messaging and hundreds of texts back and forth, I felt like I had known him for years. I poured another glass of red wine while I decided on what to wear for the sexy picture that I planned on sending him before heading out for the night with friends.

“Hello?” The mixture of nerves and I was tipsy made the electricity shoot through me when I finally heard his voice.  His voice was comforting and  it reassured me that tonight was a good idea, even though in my non-intoxicated mind. I would never dare to go to a stranger’s house. His sexy, deep voice washed over me and I was more convinced that we should meet tonight. If it was a disaster, we could leave it in the last few days of the year and move on without much fuss. Before I left my friends for the night, we had one last shot of tequila to settle my nerves before the long cab ride. The texts kept coming while I flirted with the cab driver to get a cheaper fare. I was giving him a play by play, while the cabby and I introduced ourselves and started talking about the current immigration policy, to try and distract me from what I was actually doing. I confided in him when we arrived at the address that he had given me, “Listen Sharif, I have never met this bloke before,” I cringed “Do you think that he will kill me?” Sharif did not squash my fears by the shocked look on his face. “Bridie, do you really think this is a good idea?” I faked the biggest smile that I could “I’m sure it will be fine, he seems lovely, what’s the worst that can happen?” as I flipped my hair confidently. I held my hands together to stop them shaking. “I don’t know if you should do this.” I turned around to see a face beside the window, looking in at me. It was him – there is no backing out now. “Bye Sharif!” He opened the door and kissed me on the cheek. He had said earlier that he would pay half of my $80 fare, but when he opened his wallet all that was in it was a $20 note and a betting slip, he handed it to me. Who is this guy. I laughed and he said “Hey, you can still win off that”. I laughed more and blushed as we looked at each other for the first few seconds. I was shaking. We reached his house. “Do you want something to drink?” Hmmmm I was starting to feel pretty drunk. “Sure, why not” I smiled, hoping I didn’t look like a Cheshire cat, but enough to cover up that I am scared that he is going to drug me and cut me up into tiny pieces.  We sat next to each other on the couch, my heart racing. I started taking in my surroundings, ok he looks normal enough, even better looking than in his photos, which never happens. His house looks clean, which is good for a guy that lives by himself, I’m not getting murderer vibes, I don’t think I am going to end up… a lampshade. Another drink, should surely be a good idea. I hadn’t eaten anything and had already started  mixing drinks, with red wine, tequila and now bourbon. I took a large sip and continued talking to overcome my nerves. Reason had already begun its descent as the night was beginning to get foggier as I got louder. “I’m really glad that we met tonight.” I yelled to him. I got up and touched his trophies to create more conversation. He reclined the broken couch for us and then reached for my can and passed it to me. Our bodies turned to face each other, however there was no touching. It did not take us long to feel more relaxed as we familiarized ourselves with each other, relying on stories that we had relayed through text in the days leading up to this meeting. As he was pouring another drink, the various liquor seemed to hit me all at once as I fumbled over to him in the kitchen. He got closer to me and I felt him slide past.

That was all I needed in the state that I was in, I stared up at him and put my arms around him pushing forward for that first kiss. I forced myself on him. I had waited long enough, which in reality was half an hour. I was that guy. I wanted to kiss him and I wasn’t interested in waiting for him to make the first move.  “This is happening”, I grabbed his hand and lead him to the first bedroom  I found. “Umm, wrong room”, he said laughing at me and the urgency I was bestowing on us. We made out for a while and things got more heated. In my mind, I looked incredibly sexy, this could have been a scene taken out of a romance novel, soft, sensual kisses. However, my makeup had ran, my hair was knotted and I was a drunken mess, with no inhibitions and the kisses were over the top with me basically eating him.

We went back to the lounge room to watch a movie. We snuggled up together on the couch, for only knowing each other in person for a few hours, he made me feel extremely comfortable but I still had butterflies the entire time, even through my drunk demeanour.

          Oh no, I thought as I tried to casually make my way to the bathroom without causing too much fuss. When I got there, I waited until I heard the door’s lock click before I projectile vomited all over the toilet. Even in my drunken state I was absolutely mortified. What am I going to do? Maybe I can just pretend it didn’t happen if I can clean it up before he gets suspicious…The thoughts had not completely formed before he was at the door asking if I was ok. “Umm yeah I’m fine, everything is fine, I’ll be out in a minute.  Everything is fine, don’t worry.” More rambling occurred and even though I thought I had convinced him, he was more than aware of what was going on. I closed the laundry door and had taken off the toilet seat to wash it in the laundry basin and put the mat in the washing machine. He was still knocking on the door but I was trying my best to keep him out. After I had cleaned everything. I stood back and marvelled at my work like a housewife on a spray and wipe commercial. Yet, there was still bits of red vomit everywhere and it smelt like I had drank the whole bar. This was not a good first impression.  He finally got in the laundry. “Are you sure you’re ok?” he looked worried. “Seriously, I’m fine, nothing happened” I slur and give him a look to suggest that he is crazy and overreacting. He mirrored that look and realised there was no point in arguing “Ok, as long as you are alright, how about we clean you up and get a bucket.” He put a towel around me and put me to bed.

I opened my eyes very carefully – the room was spinning at an incredible pace and I looked over to him snoring beside me. Ohhh my…poor guy, he is going to never want to see me again after this display. As I pulled myself up,  his bedside table provided a stable base to lean on and I realised that he had put my phone and earrings beside me. What a lovely guy. I smiled at him, taking a mental snapshot of the moment and fighting off the feeling of added nausea and embarrassment as to what was going to happen when he woke up. I nearly tripped over the bucket that was at my feet. Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no! I had a flashback of an event with the bucket that would burn in my brain forever. I would never deep throat a banana while looking at my friend for giggles again. In the flashback I gag and nearly vomit all over him. I’m sure it will ‘go down’  in history for him as the worst sexual encounter that he has been forced to be part of.

I tiptoe to the bathroom and try not to vomit at the smell, as I realise that I hadn’t cleaned anything and still can’t as I dry reach. I was still trying to put the pieces of the night together, while I tried not to die and cause myself more embarrassment. I looked like death and realised that I didn’t have any makeup to put on and could barely lift my hand to my face to apply it anyway. I went back into his room and made so much noise as I tried gracefully to get back into bed and pretend that I had not left. He woke, “How are you feeling?” he smiled at me, whilst rubbing the sleep from out of his eyes. “Eeeeerrrrrrggggghhhh, not great at all” He laughed and said, “I’ll take you to your car then.”

We got in the car. Between concentrating on not vomiting all over him and the car, and also trying to rectify that I was not in fact, complete trash, I decided to remain silent. It was the longest car trip ever. When we finally reached the car, I thanked him and apologised for the 2939485849th time. He kissed me on the cheek and we said goodbye.

I sat in the car, my head in my hands, mortified. I sent one last text, assuming that he wouldn’t respond. Within seconds I got a reply…I definitely didn’t give this guy enough credit. I mustered a smile and swallowed more vomit.

*That was nearly a year ago. We have had many more funny adventures over the last year and still text everyday. He is absolutely gorgeous. Unfortunately things didn’t work out – I wonder where I went wrong, when I had made such a great first impression :-/ I am incredibly thankful that I did get a best mate out of it though.

short, blonde and jaded

So after years of disaster dating, I have decided to document the countless stories that have been shared between my girlfriends and I. The shameful tales that would make my parents cringe and make my friends laugh for days, weeks, months and even years. The situations that arise are thought provoking (as you ask yourself, why did she do that?), hilarious (more why questions) and seriously, she let that happen? 

As a single lady in her mid 20’s, who lives in the cool part of New York, who wears disgusting jumpsuits and is Gen Y’s Woody Allen… Wait, wait, wait, that’s one of my favourite TV shows. 

Lets start again. As a man in his mid 30’s, who wears jeans with runners, is single and extremely neat and finds the most absurd reasons to break up with people… Nope. Again, that’s a TV show (that’s not even current, gosh!)

One more time, as a single lady in her late 20’s, living in a quiet suburb in a tree lined street in the beautiful city of Melbourne, who is taking her time to find someone that makes her laugh, maybe takes her out for breakfast on the weekend, changes her light bulbs and most importantly, calms her down when she has had a nightmare.  

There are many theories as to why I have such terrible luck with the men that I date. According to the book, ‘the power of the pussy’, I’m doing everything wrong, if they say don’t do it, I’ve done it. I’m not naive, I know I’m doing it wrong. With my serious lack of self control and the amount of times when I’m talking to my friends and they have their heads in the hands, it’s easy to see, I’m killing it. I do have a quick disgusting wit. When I put effort in, I’m semi attractive. I’m somewhat intelligent and always am willing to learn about most things. My house is clean (mostly). I can cook. I have 2 jobs and study full time. I wash daily or twice daily. I am not really into material things. I watch way too many movies and too much TV. I remember nothing but useless information. I can trip over things that don’t exist. I usually mean well. All of these things make up a kind of well rounded, semi strange woman. What man wouldn’t want all of those things in a lady? (I use the term lady very loosely). 

And so we begin our adventure together, me living through these scaring situations and you getting to read about it, hopefully not identifying with it too much but having multiple laughs at the ridiculousness of life and the people that I have encountered.