Soooooo if we remember back to me not being able to last No-Men-Bro, which there was disappointment all round, except when I was climaxing. Anyway that isn’t the point. I just wanted to let my loyal readers know that my dry spell resulting from heartbreak lasted from New Year’s Day to Good Friday. But now we are back in the game…So I nearly lasted without the D for four whole months!!!!Maybe I am now destined to only have sex on public holidays though :p
Story about dating a fucked up baker is coming tomorrow…
I have written about lovable hair pulling shorty, now I will tell you about the other Lebanese Australian man that I have dated, who is pretty much, the complete opposite of him. He was 6’4 and 103 kg’s, lets call him Unit, cause that’s what he was. I dated him years ago. I was intrigued by this guy. He was massive. We met on a dating website. we chatted for a bit and he seemed like a really nice guy. His pics weren’t anything special, amazing body, wasn’t too sure about his face, but I can get past that because he was nice. Reading that back, I sound like a shallow bitch, but that isn’t the case. When it comes to internet dating, after a while you do come with a side of skepticism. Anyway, he asked me out and wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with me. As far as I’m concerned that’s a pretty big no no, so I graciously declined and suggested another day. Why would I want to go out on a first date on Valentine’s day? My idea of Valentine’s day is watching seriously depressing movies like Blue Valentine and Revolutionary Road with pizza and red wine. I am not even being over dramatic, which is a change. I really do love those movies. The start being so promising and then life and it’s shittyness fucking things up for a couple where their relationship changes over many years. That isn’t me being a depressing psycho, that’s change and if a couple changes together or separately and then they fall apart. I am getting off topic, so we scheduled coffee in the morning a few days later.
The conversation before we had meet was pretty bland. He was a gentleman. Nothing sexual (eg. no dick pics) no dirty comments, nothing. I wore a really pretty pink floral dress and I felt vibrant and confident (okay, the confident part is a stretch, but I felt like I looked cute, still wanted to vomit though.) We actually pulled up at the cafe at the same time. This guy was fucking massive. I felt tiny beside him. It was hot. I felt like he was Shaq and I was his tiny wife.
He gave me a kiss on the mouth, which for me is another turn on, it catches me off guard and I like the confidence it shows on their end. He pulled out my seat and we ordered coffees. So far, so good. He was lovely. We had heaps to talk about, actually we didn’t shut up. He came from a massive family and he told me all about them. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and asked a lot of questions about me as well, (this can also be rare.) He had a cheeky smile and we had heaps of chemistry. I really liked the guy. He paid for our drinks, also a nice touch. He suggested that we watch a movie. I was excited, maybe we would make out in the cinema, that could be cool, old school, but I’ll give it a crack. He discussed that we would take both of our cars and that I would follow him because we were over in his hood. That is fine with me, still had not thought anything strange was happening. We started driving. I do have a rough idea of the area since a couple of my friends live over that way and this isn’t the way I would go to the movies, it’s actually in the other direction, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We drove for another 10 minutes and I was still hopeful that we weren’t in fact driving back to his house…which we were. I was in two minds, most of me was saying, well that was cheeky. Where as the other part was saying, well played.
We walked inside, said hi to his housemate and he showed me around. He had like a separate area of the house, which had a kitchen, bathroom, etc, but was still connected. I don’t know why it was like that, but still not that weird. The weird part was when we got into his little section, there were mirrors all over the walls. Yep. Mirrors. He was renting, so he said that he hadn’t put them up, but who knows. The thing I was most upset about was that he didn’t even put a movie on!!!!!!!!!! Now that upset me. Not enough though, because we started making out on the couch. Unit was all over me and it was hot. So hot that we moved things into the bedroom, where there was more mirrors, I might add. So we both got to put on shows for not only each other but could fully work on our sexy faces and moves while looking in the mirror. That definitely enhanced the experience as well as the fact that I was fucking a giant. We hung out for a bit but I was getting restless and wanted to bail and go and see what my friends were up to. Little did they know that the date went down better than my delicious latte.
I booty called him a few weeks later and we hooked up again, but after that the novelty wore off. I have now ticked both the giant and the mirrored walls off my sexual bucket list. I will never fall for the movie trick again though, I want movie details, not directions to your house!!!
You would think I would be out of stories by now. That is not the case…at all. I think it was last year, I met this guy on good ol’ Tinder. He was half Mauritian, half Aussie. Nice chocolate skin. Majority of pics were good. He had buff arms, looked like he dressed well, one pic was of chop sticks as seal tusks (okay, I can look past that, as I love a good face in the hole.) Anyway, I liked what I saw. He would write me essays, so that is what my girlfriends and I called him.
Essay decided to take me out for breakfast at a trendy Cafe on a weekday. I was running late and he got there early so he could get the perfect seat next to the window. I was so late, therefore flustered and off my A game. But, he was lovely. He was wearing a nice shirt and had gone to a lot of effort. He was fascinating. He had just moved back from New York after spending a year there for work, he was living with his parents because he was waiting for the tenants in his place to move out, was planning on buying a holiday house, had also spent time in Antarctica, liked watching the footy and rock climbing. Basically he was kicking the shit out of life, even told me about meeting Ryan Gosling and him being the nicest guy, even though he had no idea who he was. As we were talking, there was something off about him, but I couldn’t place it. He excused himself and went to the bathroom but I didn’t realise that he had paid for breakfast on the way back. Nice touch, I thought. I thought the date would be over but took me to another cafe for more coffee and cake and then we went for a walk. I knew I wasn’t that keen, but I thought, fuck it, give this guy a chance. He held my hand when we walked (gross) that sounds so mean, but I barely know you. What about if I saw someone I knew? What would I say? Anyway, we held hands. He took me to a park and we made out. He was fully into it, I was racking my brain as to what was bothering me about him. It was like the middle of the day on a Monday, that’s how inappropriate I feel this make out session was. Totally not my scene, but I obliged*. He walked me back to my shitty car and we called it a day.
Okay, so we are half way through this story. I know I am completely fucked up. Girls would kill for this put together dude. Nice, stable, easy going, up for anything, smart, etc. Think of the Sex and the City Episode, where Carrie says that she was trying a guy on to see if he fit, not really your taste but you will give it a go. A nice, vanilla life. Mos def not my cup of tea.
So we kept on speaking and he wanted to surprise me at home one morning by bringing me pastries for breakfast. This guy was good. I had to see if this was going to go anywhere even though I clearly wasn’t feeling it. I had also realised why I wasn’t into it. Some of his facial expressions reminded me of a guy I went to school with. I know what you are thinking, no big deal, now you are just nit picking. Actual the guy that he reminded me of was autistic, (not that there is anything wrong with that.) But I could not be with a guy that reminded me of a guy I went all through school with and had a lot of really strange memories of. I can’t blame this guy for that, so I said that he could come over for breakfast. We ended up having more than breakfast, it was a three course breakfast. He was hooked. The breakfast wasn’t bad at all. Wasn’t boring like Al-Bran and he was hoping that I was satisfied like at a Continental Breakfast at a hotel. But I could not get the similarity out of my head. So thanks for the pastries but I guess I am getting back with my ex (my favourite excuse to stop seeing anyone.) He suggested that we could continue seeing each other without my ‘boyfriend’ knowing. I said I didn’t think so. A few months later when I went back on Tinder, I received more messages asking if I was single and wanted to hook up. I felt like he thought I was Mia Khalifa, everybody’s favourite porn star or maybe I just wish that.
*I feel like ‘I obliged’ would be the name of my autobiography. Not just in relation to sex but in regards to my whole life.
A few weeks ago, I took the great journey up to the top deck of the MCG where I joined a crowd of 70,000 people and took my seat in the nosebleed section. As I sat down, I got a shiver and saw a ghost. To the right of me, through the crowd, I spotted my ex boyfriend. He was sitting with a girl and some friends. In my fantasy, the girl is his girlfriend and he is happy. I send him a birthday message every year, for the last two years he has not responded and that is ok, I still send them. Until now, I did not know if he still had the same number that I had. I thought I would see, by sending him a message and then see if he would pull out his phone or look around. He took out his phone and began rubbing his neck, he looked stressed at the message I had sent. So far this was not going as I had planned. After a few minutes of him looking around we finally made eye contact and we nodded at each other. He looked so sad to see me, that my heart broke all over again, for him. I had hoped that he would come over to me and we could have some agonising small talk. Instead we exchanged a few awkward texts with him being polite but clearly not wanting to continue the messages. So we both sat with our friends, both of us probably thinking that our new partners were to our sides (mine was a friend), in a crowd of 70.000 people and I finally thought that this was the end to that chapter.
I had decided to take a marketing subject. I have no idea why, but it happened. The relationship that I was in was self destructing at a rapid rate and I was weeks away from leaving the jerk, who completely fucked me over. So while I was sitting in class concentrating/texting Sarah about the talent in my class, we played icebreakers and I was blown away with a man that was gorgeous. Years later I can describe him as the guy that plays Prince Oberyn in Game of Thrones. There is something about him that is incredibly sexy, with his cheeky smile and dark brown eyes.
The gorgeous Pedro Pascal…identical to my ex bf 😦
As my life was collapsing around me, I missed a couple of my marketing class and then the next time, got caught in the rain and looked like a drowned rat, things were not going my way. I entered the class and got placed in a group with the hottie from a few weeks previously. I giggled and text Sarah, to talk about my good fortune even though I looked terrible. We realised that we had a lot in common and he made me laugh. I tried to play the role of the smart and funny girl, so I impressed him with my knowledge of where he was from and my dry sense of humour. By the end of the class we had to write down everyone’s phone numbers. I was definitely going to attend the next week’s class. He would walk me to my next class and it was a lovely distraction from the pain I was going through. The next week after he walked me to my next class, I finally got up the courage to text him to be quiet, that I could hear him talking very loudly outside my classroom. That was when the texts started. At that stage, I had left my boyfriend and was living with my brother. I needed this. I needed to feel like I had something to offer someone else. I needed to feel worthy of someone else. This guy was gorgeous, our first date was a midnight walk on the beach. He would bring me flowers, we would laugh, we had a really strong connection and all of it scared the hell out of me. I would tell him that I didn’t want a boyfriend, but over the course of our whatever it was, I have never had someone love me more. He would call me his soul mate and strive to give me everything I wanted. At the start of our courtship he made out that I would never meet his brother, but soon enough, I was there constantly with all of them doting on me 🙂 He had an intensity for life and me that scared me. I knew that he really loved me and I loved him. But I was so badly bruised from my previous relationship, that I never gave him all of me. The different backgrounds that we came from were too much for me to overcome because even though he assured me we would work it out, I was broken from before. I couldn’t trust him to make it right and fight for me, after I had previously been kicked down over and over again. So after two years of being in whatever we were in, I let him go. In the worst possible fashion that I could have. I was a complete idiot to do what I did to him and regret it to this day. For my birthday, months later, he wrote me the most beautiful message, I still cry at the thought of the kind words that he still had for me. I did love him and if I had met him before my previous boyfriend, I believe that I would have married him. But that isn’t what happened and I wanted to write this, as our chapter is now closed and wanted to tell him, I am so sorry.
I am sitting in bed at 6.23am on a Saturday morning, tears are flowing and I am sad that something has just come to an end after nearly a year of whatever it was. I think its over. This time it feels over. Surely its over. This story is not going to be all dark and depressing though, its going to be about my first date with this very special guy. Sure he might have had a job that I really didn’t buy at the start and later he did confess that my suspicions were true as to why he always had cash on him and two phones. He would go back and forth from his ex and call me when they were having another break here and there. Sure there might have been a wooden dildo from Bali pulled out with me, shying away from it and hoping he just pulled it out for a laugh. Sure I would bring over milk and mars bars and we would become kids and eat in his bed, that I would call the cloud, because all of your troubles would float away. Disclaimer: the wooden dildo, never came near me. But our connection was amazing. I would get lost in his dark brown eyes and laugh at his jokes. Things should have ended the first time when he disappeared for a week and then after I confronted him, told me about the love of his life. I was hurt. I sent him Seinfeld quotes of George getting broken up with someone and using the whole “it’s not you, it’s me.” This made me feel better but I wont lie, I was sad. When he messaged me a few weeks after that, I ran back and that has been the same pattern for the last year. He would message me, we would chat, we would watch movies and Seinfeld, we would “hang out,” it would end. 1 month, the longest was two months, rinse and repeat. Same old, same old.
I’m not in love with him. But I am extremely fond of him and we just get each other. We love the same TV shows, have amazing back and forth, confide in each other and the main reason as to why I run back, is his ability to treat me like a goddess. This guy has got mad skills that drive me insane with desire. So over the last year we have been on a journey going nowhere but most definitely enjoying the ride! So we go from the worst date of my life, to one of the best 🙂
As I checked my online dating profile, I came across a profile that was hilarious. He quoted the Simpsons in it, looked super cute in his profile pic and just seemed like the coolest guy that I wanted to get to know. This feeling doesn’t happen much, so I knew that I should go with my head and start talking to this cutie. We spoke for a few days, he was incredibly sensitive, as I confided in him that my grandmother had just passed away and I was in an interesting head space. He was super lovely and it turns out that we had heaps in common. We would play stupid games and he would answer all of my questions. After a week we had decided that we would go out for drinks. I was flawed by the fact that he brought up money though and planned that we would go round for round. Don’t get me wrong, I do not expect anything from anyone. But I hate talking about money. I thought this was weird but I still wanted to go out with him. As I had had a big weekend, I asked if we could do dinner instead. Before we were going to do that though, we were going to add each other on Facebook. This scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want him to see photos of me blind, laughing with my make up running down my face, or my arms out thinking I look like Victoria Beckham when I look like Kirstie Alley and I am not talking about her in Cheers. Against all of my reservations, I added him. The funny thing was we had many mutual friends and he knew good friends of mine quite well. We found it hilarious and I think that he was comforted by this fact. I figured that if we had nothing to talk about, I could at least bring this up. We would talk late into the night and exchanged numbers. He called me and we chatted, I was so nervous but his voice calmed me and he was so easy to talk to. I was excited to get to know him and it subsided my feelings for another unavailable gentleman. He had decided where he was going to take me, as it had excellent vegetarian options, sooooo sweet.
I was on holidays and ended up seeing my friend – the unavailable gentleman. I got ready for the date and ended up dropping my friend/lover home. The car ride was incredible. He kept on asking details about the upcoming date and I blushed and avoided the questions. As we were friends, there should not be a problem in discussing other people. As he described the girl that he was currently dating, it seemed that everything he mentioned was the opposite of me. I was crushed, how was I going to spring back from this and be my best self on this first date? I cried the entire hour it took, from dropping off my ‘friend’ to where our date would take place. One of my greatest anxieties that I face is going to place, looking around and getting stood up. As I found a park and fixed my make up, I looked over the road and recognised my date. This made me feel much better as we could walk there together. He approached my car and kissed me on the lips. Ohhh wow! This guy was super confident and the kiss took me aback. We nervously strolled to the restaurant together. I was super excited and felt at ease with this tall gentleman that walked beside me with so much swag and a kind heart. I was extremely intrigued. We reached the restaurant and he bought us drinks. I was uncomfortable while he purchased the first round of drinks. The first glass of red went down without a hitch and the conversation was flawless. We ordered dinner and I was so nervous with the whole paying thing yet again. Although the money thing was always in the back of my mind, the realisation that we had so many things in common was lovely. This first date was getting hit out of the park. We ate a delicious dinner and then had more drinks, for which he yet again paid for. I had butterflies full of nervous energy and was not sure if he was enjoying himself as much as I was. We ended up leaving after a few hours.
On the walk to our cars, we ran into a girl friend of his, which he introduced me to. He was super polite and the three of us spoke for a while. After she left, he said something which at first, made me blush like a crazy woman. I am so glad that I got to pay for your dinner when I ordered everything. One of the last dates that I had been on, I paid for her meal and she ended up yelling at me saying ‘don’t you think that I can pay for my own meal?’ His face looked absolutely tortured from that experience and that is why he had brought up the subject of money before the date itself. The poor guy. What a mean woman, she could have gone about that situation in a hundred different ways, but she chose to yell at him? That made me like him more. What a kind guy. When we reached my car, we had a perfect kiss to the end of a perfect date..
Over the next few weeks, we would see each other about every three days. He was funny, we liked all of the same things and our chemistry was electric. We started getting intimate and while I type blushing furiously, I can tell you, just you 😉 that nobody has ever made me feel the way that this certain gentleman has made me feel, I was and maybe am still addicted to his moves. I would fully commit to being Yoko and him being John Lennon and never leave his room again…that’s how addicted I am.
When I think back to my dating history, I have had two major relationships in my life. One I look back on fondly, the thought of him makes me smile and I wish nothing but happiness for him. The other I look back on less favourably and consider that I dodged a bullet by us no longer being together. I like being able to look back at the first and feel like that. I was excited to write about this story because this is another guy that makes me smile like a Cheshire Cat. I like thinking about him, talking about him, talking to him and think he is awesome. I like that feeling 🙂
I hope all of the relationships that follow make me feel that way, even if they end. Like this one just did, in the early hours of the morning, with kind words, a dirty phone call, some tears, but no bad feelings.
As we all get excited about another weekend approaching, my thoughts turn to “banging tunes and DJ sets and dirty dance floors and dreams of naughtiness”. The appeal of going out never used to really excite me… that was until this year. I don’t know what has happened, but something is bouncing off me and I’m not sure what it is. People say dirty, seedy lines to me and it’s a first, it’s also pretty gross and definitely hilarious. In one week, I was approached by three different gentlemen with the following lines:
1) A wiry blonde skater that has no trouble getting pretty ladies, they frequent the bar he works at, praying that he will lavish an evening of sensual delights on them. We have known each other for a while and harmlessly flirt but one day things escalated quickly when he said to me “come home with me, I want to reverse wheelbarrow you.” I wouldn’t be surprised if my face burst into flames from the blushing of my cheeks, while I quickly backed into another room to hide. I don’t even know what it means. I’ve discussed it with a lot of people just because I’m trying to work it out. I guess he holds my legs, but which way does my body face to make it reversed? So many questions, so much confusion, so much embarrassment.
2) The skaters housemate, who is exactly my type, tall, dark features, so you would think I would be interested. However, he is a form of man, that I have trouble being around. He is a stickler. He is a know it all. He was laying on my couch later that night, when he gave my girlfriend and I a wink and said that he was “there for the taking” until he passed out and we ended up putting make up on him and bright purple nail polish on his most beautiful toes. Which I am sure was much more fun than the awkward threesome that he had in mind.
3) Last but not least, a guy I have known for years, he is overtly sexual, which makes me cringe, was a Virgin until recently and thinks that I’m extremely promiscuous because I’ve slept with a person in the last decade. I actually felt myself vomit a little bit in my mouth when I read the next line on my Facebook message “hmm I know a point attached to me that wouldn’t mind drinking you”. Again, the embarrassment and the confusion was overwhelming.
I can understand when guys say these lines and there is no one else around. I can even understand if they use these lines on 10 women in the hope that at least 1 of them might, in fact, say yes. But the funny lines are the ones said in front of other guys. I was slightly, okay, very intoxicated in the city with a good friend of mine. He is old school and knows I’m poor, so he was being the ultimate gentleman and took me out for drinks. I went to the bar to get the next round and slurred the order, so already I was worried that the bartender wouldn’t serve me and then he hit on me saying that he preferred another kind of rum saying it was more vanilla like him and gave me a wink. I was baffled, is that even a line? He knew I was already with a guy as it was the third time we had lined up, once ordering together. I walked away with the drinks shaking my head. After that bar closed we ended up at the Casino, I’m pretty sure that’s what normal people do on a Tuesday night, right? At the casino we played roulette, to be more accurate, he played roulette. I stole his chips, because I felt bad that he had already spent so much money looking after me. Another guy joined the table and ignored my friend, even though he did not know if we were together or not. The most obvious line being “you can’t be hot all the time.” I laughed and blushed as I tried to coax him into giving me $100 chip, after all I was white girl wasted and did want to contribute to my friends fun times with Bridie tab, that I hadn’t invested a cent in. Unfortunately, he didn’t fall for it and walked away. My friend and I were amused that he didn’t look at him and would only acknowledge him while he was speaking to me. The whole thing was bizarre, so we also walked away to find more booze.
So it seems that books on how to attract men and basic evolution are right, guys love the thrill of the chase. So when I am standing on the dance floor, gazing at a gentleman for a second too long through my gin goggles…I’ll remember to smile, look away and keep that mystique. After all, if they do have the balls to come up and approach me, I love a good line…
*the song that is quoted is Arctic Monkeys – I bet that you look good on the dance floor
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