Once upon a time, there were three fair maidens that ruled the land. Wait, wait, wait. Once upon a time, there were three hilarious, intelligent, sexy females that ruled the streets of Melbourne. In a bizarre coincidence, these three ladies all dated or lusted after 3 dudes that worked in different shoe stores, which is actually really weird.
The first maiden we will call Messarella. Messarella was trying to distract herself from the throws of life and decided to go on Tinder to build up her self esteem and date random dudes. This was never a problem and she usually had 4 on the go at once. So one day she swiped right to a basketball player that came from Adelaide. They had a mutual friend, so that provided her with some comfort. He was a manager at Footlocker. He would text her day and night and he was a bit of a sexual deviant. When they met up however, he looked strange and complained so much. As Messarealla wanted to keep herself occupied from the 3 other gentlemen she decided to keep him around for a while. It was the perfect situation, he would only stay for 2 hours and she was so sick of him by that time, she would count down the minutes after he had made her scream to him leaving. They tried to go out on a date once, but she felt like she was the mother of a 4 year old. Alas, the glass slipper didn’t fit and he probably went back to jerking off in the back room of the store or the public toilets at the shopping centre he worked at. Definitely not Prince Charming. More like Prince Deviant.
Barbarella, was the second maiden. She also found herself occupying her time on Tinder and she and Messarella sent endless screenshots back and forth. The ladies found Tinder to be somewhat of an interesting sport. It was there that Barbarealla swiped right to a tortured artist who worked at Converse. She was intrigued by this scrub, who never had an money and lived with his sister who had a husband and a child. She would try to help him sort his life out, by listening to his problems, making lists of real estate inspections for him to go to, just by generally being amazing to him, while he was scrubbing it up and being utterly depressed. They had a few fun nights, getting messy but the cloud of misery that surrounded this guy, was not far away. He ended up meeting a girl with a stupid name, but who looked exactly like Barbarella and ended things with her. Of course, the new girl he met wasn’t nearly as fun or easy as Barb is and she played mind games with him and totally dumped his ass, so of course he came back to Barbarella with his tale between his legs. However, Barbarella was smarter than this and smashed the glass slipper, and tried to stab him with it.
The third maiden was Hiprella. Unlike the other two ladies, she had met had met Mr. Adidas in the flesh. He would touch her up once a week at his school. Ok, maybe I should clarify that. She would go to the Tafe where Adidas was completing a massage course, she would blush at the thought of his strong hands. Whenever, Hiprella went shopping with another maiden, the other maiden would look in as they walked past the store to see if he was working. These two were teenagers again. If he was working, she would go and buy shoes from him and he was so generous to give her his discount. It was kind of hot. Hiprella would talk to him on facebook and they actually became quite close. Hiprella was getting quite keen on Adidas and decided to tell him that she wanted to hook up with him. He was keen and there was some interesting texts that went back and forth. But after a while, he stopped replying to her texts. He deleted his Facebook account and went MIA. So there was some recon work that had to be done to find out what the hell was this guy playing at, because it is weird to fall off the face of the planet, especially at this time of the interweb and foremost they were friends. Hiprella ended up finding him, but never got an explanation as to why he suddenly shut everyone out of his world. We suspect that he got a girlfriend, but that doesn’t excuse him for bad manners. So Hiprella bought those beautiful pink runners with terrific support and they still have more than enough tread on the bottom to walk on him when they run into each other in the shopping centre.
Therefore, lets teach our daughters to love shoes like Carrie does in Sex and the City. Not to fantasise about men who might help her put them on, because three out of three bad encounters with dudes that work in retail shoe shops should be a cautionary tale. Next story, we will go all Sleeping Beauty on it and talk about the time that I got slipped a date rape drug and woke up with a homeless man. Just kidding, I slipped him the roofie 😉