Once, twice, three times a lady…

I like to think that life is all about balance. For example tonight is for me to be sitting in bed with a top knot, in a singlet and undies, listening to Simon & Garfunkle and maybe some sexy Mac Miller beats, either completing old Samurai Sudoku’s that I have saved or reading, with my kitty kat snuggled up beside me. It’s quiet and perfect for me to savour the silence of the night with my loud thoughts.

Flashback to last week when I had said that to my friend that he had to find a job, our midweek rendezvous were taking a toll on me, getting far too wasted, far too often. But those nights are special and make me appreciate these nights of silence and reflection.

Late last year, I hooked up with a dude that was previously married. I knew him when he was married, I knew his wife. He was separated and we always enjoyed each other’s company when we would run into each other. I was surprised when I saw him on Tinder. I knew that he wasn’t stupid enough to be married and on there, so things must have ended. When we matched he was straight to it, they had recently separated and things were hard but they were all okay and it was for the best. I was hesitant to say the least but he was charming and funny. More to the point when you already know someone that makes things so much easier.

We spoke over a couple of weeks. He would call me and we would chat, but the majority of the time was texts which he declared that he wasn’t any good at. One night he got me on the phone and said that we was going to come and get me. We would have a few drinks and catch up. I wasn’t sure about this and declined. The next night he worked his magic and he was coming to get me. I spent hours getting ready but the pressure was off as we already knew each other and had some sort of attraction. I was nervous going to their married house. I cringe at the thought. I was actually shitting myself. I wasn’t doing anything wrong but I felt weird about it. I had voiced my concerns and he had shut them down, one by one. This guy was good.

We got in the groove with each other. He was extremely polite and such an amazing host. What was he going to cook me for dinner? Cheese board, amazing wine, intense eye contact as we discussed our lives in detail. If you have previously read this blog before, you will know that my nerves, plus alcohol isn’t my friend. I was extremely excited because we were hitting it off so well and the conversation was electric.Other than the fact there were photos everywhere of her family. I tried to ignore it, but it was mentally noted, for the conversation that would happen with my friend later. He mentioned something about partying, so next thing I knew we were raking up lines at 10.30pm on a Tuesday night. The night was getting loose and I was all for it. He passionately kissed me, between each of us rubbing the residue into our gums. It was hot. He was hot and full of passion. We went from the couch to the family room floor to finally a bedroom. I insisted that we go into the spare room because I couldn’t face, the previous marital bed. By now the drugs and wine were working their magic and I was feeling my sexy self. The sex was incredible. He was confident, funny, seductive and all of these traits were present in the bedroom. After the extreme sports were performed, I wasn’t feeling so good and you guessed it…vomited errywhere. All over the doona cover, all over the walls. He put me in the shower and then put my clothes in the wash, while he got cleaning. He was lovely about it. He said “Of course it would happen and he had often felt like that.” Total gentleman, could not fault this dude. He consoled me over and over again. It was fine. I was dying of embarrassment in the shower but was still pissed and railed so I thought that I could actually pull this off. As I now had no clothes, I walked around in a mink blanket, which I thought was pretty sexy. Turns out the pic that I had sent my girlfriend after I had explained the incident was less sexy than I had first thought, I looked like a hillbilly. I called her, explaining the eyes that I felt on me from the wife’s family, they were following me. So the next few hours consisted of, cleaning, washing, more lines and surprisingly more sex. We couldn’t get enough of each other, even though I think I could still smell vomit in my hair, which while gross, it turns out that I can still complete the task at hand, many times may I add.

I left at 5am. He wanted me to stay but I couldn’t face peak hour in an Uber. This guy was my personal hero, as he still was going to go to work after our scattered night. I silently died in the Uber, I wanted my shower, my bed and my cat not to judge me, for not being able to handle my liquor, yet again.

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Call me Muva

Last year was not one of my better years for dating. It can actually be summed up in one interaction. I got told by a guy that I’ve known for years that while he would love to take me out, but we would have to wait until things calm down. Alright, people hear that all of the time, it’s a lovely way to let someone down gently. The only difference being that the guy who said that doesn’t work and lives at home with his parents. That is also totally fine, not here to judge. What needs to calm down then, you ask? Yep, that would be his paranoid delusions, those are what needs to calm down. His concerns about the government are why we can’t go out for cocktails on his parent’s dime. That’s how much I slayed in 2017.

In October, I swiped right on a dude that resembled one of my ex’s and in his next pic he looked like a different one. These guys don’t actually look anything alike, that’s the weird thing. Anyway, we matched and we liked the same movies, TV shows, food, etc.. So far, so good. A little bit younger than I am used to, but that doesn’t really matter. We then decided that we would met by going for a drive. I had to look hot for my younger man. I wore a maxi dress with a plunging neckline. We started driving around the streets it started to rain like mad. He finally had to pull over because we could no longer see what was in front of us. I was extremely nervous, so I would giggle, pull stupid faces and just was being an overall cringing mess. I could not help but tease him…a lot. He got a bit cut but I decided to keep on going. Maybe our personalities are clashing but it was hard to tell as I was absolutely ridiculous and could hardly say that he really knew the somewhat normal me. While we were stopped it was the perfect opportunity to make out for a bit. The car make out is always awkward. I feel totally self conscious and think ‘we are far too old to be doing this shit.’ Gone are the days where it was a thrill. So we are making out and then I made him go to the drive through and buy me a bottle of water, pashing is hard work. Plus that cunt can buy me something for the honour of making out with me. So I waited until he was painfully hard and made him drop me home.

I think it was a few weeks later before I booty called his ass. The sex was nice and polite. I am the worst though. I have grown bored of the getting to know you sex. Let’s get to the stage where it’s not awkward and you are pulling my hair and I’m biting your lip…hard. Oh and he has a lip ring, something that I’ve never been into but now find totally hot.

So he decides not to get back to me. I persist. I don’t like bullshit and thought that this guy had more balls that what he is currently displaying. You don’t want to see me, say that then. Push…Push…Push. Until in the end he messages me a massive paragraph on him needing space. Sure he is working full time, studying part time, but you also live at home, so people are helping you with your shit. Then there was the kicker. So I need space because my Mum is going through cancer treatment and I am spending as much time as I can with her, as she did the same for me when I had cancer when I was younger. Yep, I am the worst. Yep – the worst. Worst person in the world right here, it’s me. So space is what I gave him. After apologising like a crazy person and offering to drive his mum to her appointments, because that’s the kind of psycho I am. Anyway he wasn’t a dick and we left it nicely. For a month or so anyways…then just like that we fell back into the messages, snaps and plans to meet again. The pics of him in his Homer Simpson pj pants would make me laugh and made me realise that I did want to hang out with him more. He would say how awkward I was and there was more than one occasion that I totally ruined the mood. I couldn’t help it, but he totally cracked it, which is annoying, he needs to stop being so sensitive. So we hooked up a few more times after I was nice and LIT, the sex was getting better and better. So of course we had a fight and ended things again…but hey guess who has just come sliding back into my snapchat 😉 So I plan to annoy him more but saying that he has a bomb dick, calling him a child and making the worst jokes so his eyes roll back into his head. giphy

Get up sex machine

I spend the majority of my life with conflicting thoughts. Who is hotter, the guy from Preacher or the guy from The Handmaid’s tale? Should I eat low-fat to save calories or eat full fat because it doesn’t contain the same chemicals? Who should I write about next? The guy with the baby dick or the guy that made me blush like a schoolgirl in his presence? I have decided to discuss the guy that gave me butterflies.

I’m not overly romantic. I currently believe that most people settle, because to be in a couple is what is expected. For the first few years it may be love but I don’t know if I believe in… forever. People change, you compromise yourself. The shit they did in the beginning was cute but then you grow to hate their little quirks and slowly get filled with resentment. Someone is often more in love than the other. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t claim to have the answers. Anyway, what I do find extremely hot is longing. People caught up in the moment, trying not to give into their most basic primal urges. IT’S HOT. In the 2005 movie version of Pride and Prejudice, Mr. Darcy helps Elizabeth Bennet into the carriage simply by offering his hand. As he walks away from her the next shot is of his hand, he stretches out his fingers, like his flesh had awoken, just by touching her hand.

We live in 2017 and I just spoke about my favourite scene being as small as two people touching hands. (Is something wrong with me?)

There are a few similar scenes in the Handmaid’s Tale. June and Nick next to each other facing forward while their fingers graze each other, followed by separate shots of their eyes closed while they react to the moment. Throughout the first season there are so many moments of want and need for each other, the brooding glances, without any words. I get sucked into it, the butterflies from stolen looks. Being restricted from your basic desires. The need to reach out and explore someone else, feeling the heat of each other. It is something that we often take for granted when and if we are in a relationship for a long time, because we tend to not take the time to carefully explore each other. Soooo, I think that I’m attracted to feelings of lust, rather than love.

The following story is my version of it. The giddiness I felt from being in the room with a someone I had just met and the weeks that followed.

Over Easter this year I worked…worked every day in a kitchen at a bar over the comedy festival. It’s my favourite time of year. I love to laugh (that is such a redundant statement) but stand up is my thing. I try to get to as many shows as possible over the month but that wasn’t possible with all of the work that I was doing. But luckily the bar that I worked out ran free comedy, I thought we knew the majority of the amateur comedians that were performing at the pub but we met a few newbies over the time. It was the third weekend and the first Saturday night for the second group, Clem and I were having a great time, but I was a bit homesick and missing my niece and nephew. I decided to make them cool gifts, to let them know that I was thinking of them. Some of the regulars were there as well as some of the lingering comedians that were playing pool. One dude that was playing pool with them was hot, but I wasn’t too phased, I was actually more excited about the gifts that I was making the kids. We weren’t paying much attention to the comedians and one of our mates brought an extremely drunk dude in, who we hadn’t met before. He ended up dropping the gift and it smashed…absolutely everywhere. I was furious and so upset. He was such a dickkkkkk. Not too long later we kicked everyone out because I was over it and just wanted to Christian Bale (leave.)

The next day we rock in and a guy thanked Clem for letting them stay behind while they drank and played pool. She told me his name, it didn’t ring any bells. It seemed that there were plenty of comedians that we did not know. His name was Tom. His eyes looked right through me, he was fucking gorgeous. He was extremely polite to us and hilarious. He would intimidate James Brown and have me in tears of laughter. I instantly had eggplant emoji’s in my eyes. This guy is stunning, funny and thoughtful. His voice was low and raspy, which was helping  the desires that were playing on a loop in my head. After some Facebook research, it turned out that he had previously lived with people that I had grown up with, which was so weird.  I looked forward to my shifts and to seeing him, while trying to play it down.

I would walk out of the kitchen into the bar and there he was. Our eyes would meet before my head would drop down, the colour rushing straight to my cheeks to betray me. I would carry on with what I had to do before returning to my sanctuary that the kitchen provided. Depending on where I was, I was sometimes greeted with a kiss on the cheek or when he was leaving. On a Saturday night, he was wasted and I was extremely forward, (not face to face of course, but sneaky Facebook Messenger). He left with some dudes to go to another pub and watch the premier league, Clem and I were meant to follow after we had shut the pub. I followed them out and on the corner, he came back and kissed me before leaving. I pinched myself, did that really happen? Writing about it 4 months later, I am second guessing myself all over again. I couldn’t wait to get the next pub. But it didn’t happen…

The next day was the last night of the festival…I am not the most competitive person, but when a girl walked in and was so obviously keen on Tom, I started seeing red. The Kill Bill music was in my head. Who was this girl? I was getting ridiculously jelly while watching them play pool. Luckily I had other distractions, like the fact that we had now run out of a beer. Yep, a pub with an event on without beer. Nothing on tap and the fridge was emptying very quickly. So now there were three of us in the running. The other chick was an extremely dominant comedian, that scared the shit out of me, I get the feeling that she was banging a different comedian and was up for a threesome. There was the three of us with the elusive Tom in our sites. Hmm this was going to be tricky.

The guy that ran the festival was being a bit of a dick to Tom, so he didn’t want to be there. He wanted to finish his show and leave. I liquored him up for his final show and the night seemed to go really quickly. I was hoping that his mood would change and he would end up staying.

When he was leaving he followed me behind the bar, entering the other room. He was saying goodbye while I was begging him to stay. He went to kiss me on the cheek, but I moved and his lips found mine. There was time for a few stolen kisses, before stopping as we weren’t the only ones in the room. My smile reached my eyes…I wanted more. The kisses although totally satisfying, weren’t enough. I needed him and I needed him badly. However, I was pretty psyched that I was the one that ended up kissing him. I only realised later when we were chatting online that the other chick had taken him home last week when they were drunk. I was mortified. I felt so stupid. He downplayed it, but I would soon find out that it didn’t really matter. As I didn’t realise that this would be the last time that I would see him.

He left…

The man with the deep brown eyes, moved back interstate to his family. He packed his things and said goodbye to his friends. We didn’t have time to catch up before he left. Why would we? We had only known each other for just over a week. Now I sometimes send him, highly inappropriate shit by message but he is so sweet, he just laughs it off… like I am sure he will do with this blog post. So now I am left with memories of a few stolen kisses and sideways glances while all I wanted him to do was bend me over the pool table.

Those fucking eyes. *sigh*

 

 

Creepers being creepy

There is no easy way to say this…in the last week I have been a complete creep. I’m cringing at the thought of the creep that I have been. Creep is the perfect word to describe the behaviour that I have displayed. Why would I want to admit this to you? Wellllll, I’m hoping that I will stop it and the sick compulsion I have to continue to partake in this activity. Here goes…I’ve been a troll, although not in the way that one usually trolls online. I’ve said incredibly inappropriate things to a man that I have never met before. At the start I thought it was funny and I really do mean the things I have been saying, I do want to blow him until he can’t remember his name…but maybe just maybe I should refrain from sliding into his DM’s (Direct Messages on Instagram) and saying these things. But there has been an extreme lack of self control on my end. Lucky for me, this guy is lovely. He has told me not to stress when I get completely neurotic, even though he doesn’t know me and if I were him I probably would block me. I am the first one to admit that I have been fucking crazy, sounding extremely confident while saying these dirty things that would make anyone blush and then completely freaking out after I send them. I’m crushing hard and it’s pathetic. I know it’s pathetic. If anyone else told me that they were doing this, I would first laugh and encourage them to keep going so I could keep laughing but then I would say ‘come on dude…take it down 2845773929394 notches…you look psychotic.’ I am not this girl and I am not handling it very well…at all. So now like any good addict, I have to first cleanse myself and admit I have a problem (this post) and then start my rehab…no more contact for a bit because I look fully psycho (I will however, totally send him the link to this post as a parting gift.) So tomorrow will be the first day without contact…no more snapchats…no more slipping into his DM’s…no more boob shots without him asking…time to fully cut the cray. Wish me luck…

 

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Shake it off

So a few years ago, three out of the last five guys that I had slept with had the same name. It was confusing and kind of weird. The last guy was a Baker. He wrote me the sweetest message, fed me some bullshit about how gorgeous I was etc. So naturally I ate it up like, delicious hot cheesy pizza (I am clearly hungry). Anyway we chatted for a bit and then he invited me over to bake Gingerbread men and watch Anime. I don’t love Gingerbread men or Anime but I thought it sounded like a really cute date.

Unfortunately the day that we had picked was crazy hot and he did not have an Air Conditioner, so we would not partake in any baking activities. So I arrived a hot and sweaty mess to a hot and sweaty mess. I don’t know why I thought that drinking red wine would be a great idea in the heat, as it makes me more hot and sweaty. Total rookie mistake. I wasn’t really attracted to him but he seemed really lovely. He did have Netflix, so I was pretty fucking excited (we did not have it in Oz then). He then showed me something that would be life changing for me. He introduced me to my favourite sketch show ever. The laughs were incredible. I was so thankful that he had showed me this, so I made out with him. He wasn’t a bad kisser, but I wasn’t totally feeling it, which was probably a result of the weather. Anyway, we watched other stuff and had a few laughs. He was really into punk, but that wasn’t the weird part. He was into Taylor Swift. Like super into her. Liked her music, she was all over his apartment. I thought it would be a sexual thing but he said that he just really admired her work ethic, etc. I was stunned. She was his screensaver, he had all of her albums and he even had biographies of her. The really manly man, who was sipping on his Melbourrne Bitter, loved a bit of Tay Tay. I was freaked out to say the least. The date was going well, as was the red I was consuming. I played all of these stupid games with him, like what would you do if I…Some of them were pretty funny and he was staring at me all starry eyed (I don’t think he was super into me, I just think he had not been laid in a very, very, very long time.) I wasn’t going to sleep with him but then surprise, I did. The sex was average to say the least. We were so hot and sweaty and not in a hot and sexy way. Gross. After that, I played some bullshit card and got the fuck outta there.

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Over the next few weeks he sent me videos of him jacking off over my selfies. I was confused, I guess that’s flattering :/ Anyway, a few weeks later I went back there because I was in his suburb and he told me to come around. So I went. We got down to business quickly and unfortunately it ended with him crying in exhaustion that he could not go on and soon fell quickly asleep. That was my time to bounce. No way I was waiting around after that. The next morning when I woke up I received a message asking why he woke up alone, with that message he sent a picture of him, he had blown all over himself. He was covered in it. The guy was super hairy as well. It was full on. Fuck that, I’m out. But obviously me being me, had to draw things out more and you know I got a video of him fingering his own butt hole. So I gave him some bullshit reason and stopped talking to him, I can’t go from 0 to 100 like that, dude. Baby steps. So that’s it for dude’s with that name. 3 from 3…over.

No-Men-Bro update

Soooooo if we remember back to me not being able to last No-Men-Bro, which there was disappointment all round, except when I was climaxing. Anyway that isn’t the point. I just wanted to let my loyal readers know that my dry spell resulting from heartbreak lasted from New Year’s Day to Good Friday. But now we are back in the game…So I nearly lasted without the D for four whole months!!!!Maybe I am now destined to only have sex on public holidays though :p

Story about dating a fucked up baker is coming tomorrow…

This guy mos def lifts bro…

I have written about lovable hair pulling shorty, now I will tell you about the other Lebanese Australian man that I have dated, who is pretty much, the complete opposite of him. He was 6’4 and 103 kg’s, lets call him Unit, cause that’s what he was. I dated him years ago. I was intrigued by this guy. He was massive. We met on a dating website. we chatted for a bit and he seemed like a really nice guy. His pics weren’t anything special, amazing body, wasn’t too sure about his face, but I can get past that because he was nice. Reading that back, I sound like a shallow bitch, but that isn’t the case. When it comes to internet dating, after a while you do come with a side of skepticism. Anyway, he asked me out and wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with me. As far as I’m concerned that’s a pretty big no no, so I graciously declined and suggested another day. Why would I want to go out on a first date on Valentine’s day? My idea of Valentine’s day is watching seriously depressing movies like Blue Valentine and Revolutionary Road with pizza and red wine. I am not even being over dramatic, which is a change. I really do love those movies. The start being so promising and then life and it’s shittyness fucking things up for a couple where their relationship changes over many years. That isn’t me being a depressing psycho, that’s change and if a couple changes together or separately and then they fall apart. I am getting off topic, so we scheduled coffee in the morning a few days later.

The conversation before we had meet was pretty bland. He was a gentleman. Nothing sexual (eg. no dick pics) no dirty comments, nothing. I wore a really pretty pink floral dress and I felt vibrant and confident (okay, the confident part is a stretch, but I felt like I looked cute, still wanted to vomit though.) We actually pulled up at the cafe at the same time. This guy was fucking massive. I felt tiny beside him. It was hot. I felt like he was Shaq and I was his tiny wife.

The Pencils Of Promise 2011 Charity Gala

 

He gave me a kiss on the mouth, which for me is another turn on, it catches me off guard and I like the confidence it shows on their end. He pulled out my seat and we ordered coffees. So far, so good. He was lovely. We had heaps to talk about, actually we didn’t shut up. He came from a massive family and he told me all about them. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and asked a lot of questions about me as well, (this can also be rare.) He had a cheeky smile and we had heaps of chemistry. I really liked the guy. He paid for our drinks, also a nice touch. He suggested that we watch a movie. I was excited, maybe we would make out in the cinema, that could be cool, old school, but I’ll give it a crack. He discussed that we would take both of our cars and that I would follow him because we were over in his hood. That is fine with me, still had not thought anything strange was happening. We started driving. I do have a rough idea of the area since a couple of my friends live over that way and this isn’t the way I would go to the movies, it’s actually in the other direction, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We drove for another 10 minutes and I was still hopeful that we weren’t in fact driving back to his house…which we were. I was in two minds, most of me was saying, well that was cheeky. Where as the other part was saying, well played.

We walked inside, said hi to his housemate and he showed me around. He had like a separate area of the house, which had a kitchen, bathroom, etc, but was still connected. I don’t know why it was like that, but still not that weird. The weird part was when we got into his little section, there were mirrors all over the walls. Yep. Mirrors. He was renting, so he said that he hadn’t put them up, but who knows. The thing I was most upset about was that he didn’t even put a movie on!!!!!!!!!! Now that upset me. Not enough though, because we started making out on the couch. Unit was all over me and it was hot. So hot that we moved things into the bedroom, where there was more mirrors, I might add. So we both got to put on shows for not only each other but could fully work on our sexy faces and moves while looking in the mirror. That definitely enhanced the experience as well as the fact that I was fucking a giant. We hung out for a bit but I was getting restless and wanted to bail and go and see what my friends were up to. Little did they know that the date went down better than my delicious latte.

I booty called him a few weeks later and we hooked up again, but after that the novelty wore off. I have now ticked both the giant and the mirrored walls off my sexual bucket list. I will never fall for the movie trick again though, I want movie details, not directions to your house!!!