No-Men-Bro: Day 2 & 3

No-Men-Bro day 2: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Its only day 2 and I already fucked things up. No, I was not walking and fell on a penis. I was day dreaming and taking screenshots of memes to send to my friend in a month because I am not talking to him. Nek minnit he writes to me asking if we are talking…so I respond and then we are back talking. I can’t believe that I lasted a day *MASSIVE EYE ROLL* Oh well let’s hope he doesn’t pull moves on me through the month, even though we have decided to make our friendship non physical (I will not confirm or deny that I was just singing Olivia Newton-John.) I then played sexy (actually I felt frumpy) taxi driver to another guy that I used to date, who is now my friend. Both dudes have been featured on the blog before :/ Anyway, I dropped him and his friend off at another friend’s house. I hadn’t met the dude that we picked up before. He was tall, a bit of bogan, but seemed like a decent bloke. Since I didn’t have an extra long weekend, I went to work, but told him to call me if he needed a lift and I would pick them up. Flash forward to my friend and I sitting around, eating snacks, drinking wine and watching Netflix. Well we had had a glass of wine, he messaged, I said we would come and get them. The guys were wasted so we went out to our local that’s open until 4am. We got kicked out of there at closing time and ended up back at my party palace. More drinks and shit talking prevailed. My friend is absolutely gorgeous so naturally my friend’s friend wanted a piece. Because she is so lovely, I didn’t know if she was keen or not. Got to about 5.30am and they left. My friend and I didn’t hook up. Sex: 0. Me:1!!! YAY!!! Didn’t even kiss him on the cheek… BOOM BOOM. I am killing it. (Shhhhhh, I know it’s day 2, technically, fuck you, it’s day 3.) Finally I could ask her what she thought about him or if she was just being nice. She usually says no straight away. She didn’t. My imagination goes straight to me being her maid of honour and I look good, my friend is his best man and we scoff that it was all because of us that they found true love. Anyway they look good together, I won’t even lie. *Pats self on back, friend reads this post and is instantly turned off :(* Sleep for a bit, win money on Melbourne Cup, have breakfast with hipsters at 4pm down Chapel Street, drop friend off, see other friend for more coffee, am shaking/might vomit/or heart might stop from too much caffeine in such a short time. Go home, still buzzing, clean house. Then I do something that I never do unless I am getting taken to pound town, which is shave my legs, exfoliate, moisturise, wash and dry hair. Basically take the time out to make myself feel like a real person that is silky smooth. Maybe there is something to this No-Men-Bro.

Please note: When I was driving, I fully drooled over a beautiful specimen walking at the lights. Forgot that he could see my eyes because I was wearing glasses not sunglasses. I turned into a full creep. I would have climbed him like a tree…its only day fucking 3.

Also: didn’t drink soft drink while drinking. Killing it.


Just another night of losing bile and brain cells…

Last year, I slept with a dude that I went to high school with. He fed me by candlelight, told me that I had always been the one and then we made love on rose petals and we both cried when we came. Ewwww how boring is that?!? I nearly put myself to sleep. That wasn’t how the story went at all :/ I got a message from this dude I went to high school with, saying that we should catch up. We caught up for coffee in a hospital, which I guess is a kind of weird place to catch up,  spoke about people we knew and about old times. It was really lovely, he’s a great guy. Fast forward to an evening of hanging out, he slept over, zero funny business, lots of funny movies and cheap laughs. It had been such a long time since we had connected on any level and it was nice to know that we still liked each other as the adults that we had become (even though, let’s be real…I’m hardly an adult.)

The next catch up session things got a bit loose when there was a bottle of scotch brought over, a lot of music doco’s…yada yada yada another bottle down, I am not pleased to admit how we acquired the other bottle. But I drove us to get it, and then McDonalds…At the lights we pulled up next to a cop car and I thought my life was over, as me not driving would be like a Greek tragedy. But we made it home safely, the only accident we were involved in was my upholstery getting ruined by the Coke he spilt, but that turned out not to be a thang in the state that we were in. There was lots of reminiscing, maybe some dancing by the stereo. I thought I was feeling fine and I was alarmed that it was 7am, we had had 2 bottles and I was still coherent…nek minnit its 10.30am and I wake up alone in the bath…uh oh. I get out of the cold bath, and see vomit all over the floor of my room. FUUUUCCKKK. I feel like I’m going to die and I have no idea what happened to him. Or me. Or between us…I don’t feel violated at all, because I probably jumped him and forced my drunken self on his ass if anything did happen, I mean. Dammit! I’m too old for this shit. Moments from high school are rushing back and I haven’t changed since then. Something that no 28-year-old wants to admit to themself, while sitting on the cold floor, next to the toilet bowl. All I know is, I spewed everywhere, I’m naked, he is gone, his phone is off, I’m going to die from alcohol poisoning and shame and I have to back it up tonight with another party. This isn’t a “hehe I got so white girl wasted and blacked out hehe” ditzy lie. I seriously can’t remember those three hours and it never came back to me. I lost significant brain cells. He doesn’t return my calls for hours, I try to clean up the vomit…that smell (vomits in mouth) the most unfortunate part of the story is that I have to meet my parents in IKEA because I have missed our lunch date. There is no hot water, which I am really confused about, because that has never happened before and it is the worst time for it to happen.

I message my friend to pick me up. I use her shower and she accompanies me to the Shopping Centre. Now I don’t love IKEA on a normal day, so today I feel completing boxed in and will either vomit or shit myself all over everyone on a Sunday, that’s not a great feeling as I lie to my mum saying that it isn’t self-inflicted and I think I have caught a bug. It was the longest two hours of my life and I spent the rest of the afternoon feeling sorry for myself at my friend’s house. I was also worrying about going to this party that I was meant to attend. The thought of alcohol was still making me spew and the self hate was at its worst. Thank God for my friend, she dressed me up, did my hair and make up and I started to perk up. We arrived at the party and I started on the water, being around people and retelling last night’s tale was making me feel more human as we all wondered what had happened during the black out hours.

So I didn’t hear from him for a while, but he is all class. He told me not to worry about it and that everything was all good. I was still mortified as he did not tell me what had happened. He told people that we had caught up and was the perfect gentleman…except for my best friend. While they were at a party, my best friend sent me a pic of the two of them. I shuddered as I knew what their conversation would have been about. So three months later some of the pieces were put together which were, that I had indeed thrown up all over him while we were having sex. Yep, thrown up on him. Yep, that happened. Yep, dirty drunken pisswreck vomited while fucking a dude that I use to make out with in high school. If there was a time to die from embarrassment, it would be now…however, at our next meeting I was just as pissed hehe don’t hate the player…hate the game. I am sure you are not surprised to hear that we did not catch up after that…he may or may not have fled the country.

Have you met my friend Bridie?

I am fascinated with the merging of friends. Sara and I were friends. Sara meets Logan. I meet Logan. Sara meets Logan’s friends. We all go out while they are dating. We all attend their birthdays. We are in their bridal party. We all go to Sara’s baby shower. We will now go to their kid’s birthday parties for the next few years at least. These people will be in my life and I will probably see them twice a year for at least 10 years. I didn’t choose for them to be in my life, but they kind of now are. I will hear stories about their life achievements and what they are currently up to and they will hear mine. The whole concept of the friend of the friend is intriguing to me. That is why, there is the temptation when you are single to think maybe it is a good idea to hook up with his friends. Your friend is in her element, she thinks that it can all work out in the vain hope that you will then get invited to all of the groups parties and she can then be with a girlfriend that she actually enjoys talking to. My advice is to resist the urge, because that first meeting afterwards, even if it is 3 years later is going to be extremely awkward…

It was Logan’s 30th birthday. They decided to have a party during the day and the day was gorgeous. The wine was flowing, plenty of laughs and food. I arrived early and stayed late, obviously lingered like a creep. I know the majority of Logan’s friends and there were the usual jokes about me and pretty much his only single friend hooking up. We are used to the routine and flirt to make them happy, he is funny, so it is not as terrible as it sounds. It gets later into the night and people arrive that I have not met before. He is tall, dark and semi handsome, actually he is handsome. But I have to leave and forget about this new mystery man.

The next week Sara and I were well into our shopping trip when I remember to comment on the mystery man. Sara doubles over laughing. “You’re kidding, right?” I look at her so confused as to why she finds it so hilarious. “No, I’m not kidding, he is just my type.” Now she returns the quizzical look to me, “You met him a couple of years ago, he was at our wedding, he tried to pick you up at my birthday??” Hmmm, I was with my ex boyfriend at the wedding, but him trying to pick me up a few years ago? “Everyone wanted to go home after our party the other year, except you and him and then he kept on asking if you wanted a lift home and you kept on saying ‘Why would I want a lift, when I have my car here?’ ” “OOhhhhhhh he was hitting on me, I didn’t know and can barely remember.” “Of course you are interested in him now though, no car, no job at the moment, just your type, because you would not want him when he wasn’t going through a hard time, Oh Bridie, there is something wrong with you.” “I think I want to see him again then if he was already keen, tell Logan.” She shook her head and then nodded in agreement. 

Sara continued to tease me for the next week, that I only date losers and should maybe think about dating someone who has their life in order. Logan organised that we would all go to go to the mystery man’s cricket club’s Halloween party, which would be held on Melbourne Cup Eve. We were going to the cup the next day, so the girls and I got ready for a night out, while Sara was going to be the designated driver. Lena and Maddie came over and we started on the frozen cocktails with extra alcohol in it. We were well on our way to getting wasted when Sara and Logan came to get us.

We arrived at the party, as it was a private function, 4 girls and a guy rocking up to a dress up party that weren’t dressed up, we naturally were looked at. The guys that played cricket were happy to see us, their girlfriends however, not so much. Logan introduced the mystery man ‘Macbeth’ to us, this would be the fourth time that this had happened, I think this time though we both would definitely remember. I was so nervous and was not loving the pressure that was on this meeting. He was already blind and seemed pretty funny. So I was instantly more attracted to him. I like my men to be hilarious with just a dash of unpredictability. We tied his shirt in a bow, so his mid drift was showing and while he was getting down to the phat beats of Ginuwine’s – pony. He would knock back his drink and then drop his glass, it was funny and kind of weird. Sara’s feet were hurting from the shoes that we bought last week, Lena was blind, Maddie was trying to pimp me out to the best of her ability and I was nervous, nervous and more nervous. It was time to leave, but this seemed to take a very long time. Macbeth finally asked for my number. He walked us to the door of the pub and kissed me on the cheek, to which Logan’s response was “You can do better than that.” He grabbed me and we kissed intensely, I felt like I was 12 with my friends all around me but the kiss was passionate and hopefully a sign of things to come, if he was coming to my house later that night. We left.

I don’t think that Sara was too impressed with the car ride home, as we were extremely loud and having a great time, laughing and carrying on but Logan coped the dirty looks, while we continued to be silly. Picking up some greasy McDonald’s on the way, we arrived at my house and I was extremely nervous and found it hard to relax relaxing while Lena, Maddie and Logan were having a great time until Sara was well and truly over it and they went home. Lena and Maddie continued the craziness, both so drunk and smashing the Macca’s. About half an hour later, I got a call from downstairs. I went out to meet Macbeth, we did the awkward walk through my lounge room past the giggling girls. I was so nervous, this was the closest thing to a one night stand I had ever had and I was 26. The kissing started to the soundtrack of the naughty girls in the next room. It turns out that Lena was throwing up out of my front door, and it was dripping down onto the floor below. Maddie was losing it and could not stop laughing. The bedroom theatrics went on well into the morning and the giggling from the next room turned into deep breathing from being so drunk. Macbeth slept. I struggled. I got up a few hours after going to sleep, had a shower, put new make up on and went back to bed. Apparently that was all the rest he needed and we got busy again. So far, so good. He did not wake up and freak out as to who he was sleeping next to, which was my ultimate fear. He looked quite happy to continue sleeping,  but I was eager to get him out of there as we were all so hungover and had to get ready to go to the races. He finally got the hint and asked where the train station was. I felt terrible so I drove him home in my shitty car. I was really nervous because we had never really talked before, but he seemed like a really nice guy. This was a shame, I was pretty keen on this guy and hoped this wouldn’t be the last time I saw him. When I dropped him, he gave me a kiss and left.

I returned home to see Lena in a state that I have never seen her in. We went back to sleep for a while, to hopefully regenerate some kind of spark back into us because the day sure was going to be long and humid. We drove to Lena’s, with her head in a bucket. I do not know how she decided that she would suck it up, got ready for the races and ended up looking stunning, while dying inside. We were all ready and underwhelmed at the races and I’ve never been back. Lena lasted an hour before heading home before the race had even started. Sara and I stayed until after the race that stopped that nation and I just wanted to get home. All up, I think we stayed two hours.

I started to text Macbeth for a while and it was like a drug. I was getting limited replies which should maybe have been my indication to stop texting him. However that didn’t happen and I obviously wanted to look like a complete very keen psycho. This one sided texting lasted for four months. Okay, it was only a few texts here and there, but seriously, I should have got the hint, if he did not want to see me the next week, he did not want to see me three months later.  Lena was out the next weekend and saw him. She was again pretty blind and got someone to call out to him. He looked at the group and kept on saying that that was not his name but it was Hamlet. This confused Lena and she text me. Macbeth was definitely his name, but this was another side to his strange persona, because Lena definitely was convinced by the end of that second encounter that his name was in fact Hamlet.

A few months later, I was on a dating website and came across him. He saw me look at his profile, so he checked out mine. I sent him a text and then realised he had blocked me from the site. Even while I write this, I cringe. I have been lucky that I haven’t run into him…yet. It is coming though, as Sara and Logan’s beautiful baby turns into a magical little girl, I’m sure I’ll remain over the other side of the party, trying not to choke on my cake, while Logan continues to embarrass me.

Seedy lines and sticky bar floors

As we all get excited about another weekend approaching, my thoughts turn to “banging tunes and DJ sets and dirty dance floors and dreams of naughtiness”. The appeal of going out never used to really excite me… that was until this year. I don’t know what has happened, but something is bouncing off me and I’m not sure what it is. People say dirty, seedy lines to me and it’s a first, it’s also pretty gross and definitely hilarious. In one week, I was approached by three different gentlemen with the following lines:

1) A wiry blonde skater that has no trouble getting pretty ladies, they frequent the bar he works at, praying that he will lavish an evening of sensual delights on them. We have known each other for a while and harmlessly flirt but one day things escalated quickly when he said to me “come home with me, I want to reverse wheelbarrow you.” I wouldn’t be surprised if my face burst into flames from the blushing of my cheeks, while I quickly backed into another room to hide. I don’t even know what it means. I’ve discussed it with a lot of people just because I’m trying to work it out. I guess he holds my legs, but which way does my body face to make it reversed? So many questions, so much confusion, so much embarrassment.

2) The skaters housemate, who is exactly my type, tall, dark features, so you would think I would be interested. However, he is a form of man, that I have trouble being around. He is a stickler. He is a know it all. He was laying on my couch later that night, when he gave my girlfriend and I a wink and said that he was “there for the taking” until he passed out and we ended up putting make up on him and bright purple nail polish on his most beautiful toes. Which I am sure was much more fun than the awkward threesome that he had in mind.

3) Last but not least, a guy I have known for years, he is overtly sexual, which makes me cringe, was a Virgin until recently and thinks that I’m extremely promiscuous because I’ve slept with a person in the last decade. I actually felt myself vomit a little bit in my mouth when I read the next line on my Facebook message “hmm I know a point attached to me that wouldn’t mind drinking you”. Again, the embarrassment and the confusion was overwhelming.

I can understand when guys say these lines and there is no one else around. I can even understand if they use these lines on 10 women in the hope that at least 1 of them might, in fact, say yes. But the funny lines are the ones said in front of other guys. I was slightly, okay, very intoxicated in the city with a good friend of mine. He is old school and knows I’m poor, so he was being the ultimate gentleman and took me out for drinks. I went to the bar to get the next round and slurred the order, so already I was worried that the bartender wouldn’t serve me and then he hit on me saying that he preferred another kind of rum saying it was more vanilla like him and gave me a wink. I was baffled, is that even a line? He knew I was already with a guy as it was the third time we had lined up, once ordering together. I walked away with the drinks shaking my head. After that bar closed we ended up at the Casino, I’m pretty sure that’s what normal people do on a Tuesday night, right? At the casino we played roulette, to be more accurate, he played roulette. I stole his chips, because I felt bad that he had already spent so much money looking after me. Another guy joined the table and ignored my friend, even though he did not know if we were together or not. The most obvious line being “you can’t be hot all the time.” I laughed and blushed as I tried to coax him into giving me $100 chip, after all I was white girl wasted and did want to contribute to my friends fun times with Bridie tab, that I hadn’t invested a cent in. Unfortunately, he didn’t fall for it and walked away. My friend and I were amused that he didn’t look at him and would only acknowledge him while he was speaking to me. The whole thing was bizarre, so we also walked away to find more booze.

So it seems that books on how to attract men and basic evolution are right, guys love the thrill of the chase. So when I am standing on the dance floor, gazing at a gentleman for a second too long through my gin goggles…I’ll remember to smile, look away and keep that mystique. After all, if they do have the balls to come up and approach me, I love a good line…

*the song that is quoted is Arctic Monkeys – I bet that you look good on the dance floor

chewin’ and spewin’

As the days are getting warmer, people are starting to get semi nude and it’s acceptable to walk the streets. Kids are sitting their final exams. I look back and think of this time fondly, I mean I don’t wish I was back there. God, no. The of the spring air smells of youth and it takes me back to hanging out and having fun. I’m currently outside and looking up the beautiful night sky, it’s amazing and there is not a sound. I’m looking at the beautiful double storey rendered mansion and grateful of where I am. Ouch! I hit the mosquito on my arm and it springs me back to the present. I am looking up at a house, but it isn’t mine, I’m house sitting – looking after a couple of kids while their parents are away. And I have been kind of kicked out of the house as one of the teenagers that I am looking after has her boyfriend over, so I don’t want to be a creep and sit on the couch with them. The bites are swelling up all over my body,  so I decide to interrupt their “movie” viewing. I was 16 not that long ago… that thought makes me extremely nervous as I walk to the door making extra loud noises so they know that I am approaching. While I retreat in another room until I have to drive the boy home, I realise that when I was 16, that was pretty much when the dating disasters began.


“Hmmm, I don’t know if I should go out tonight, I’m feeling a bit better, but still pretty gross and I am semi grounded” I say to Maddy East, my best mate.

“Fuck it, we are going. I’ll bring clothes in and we can mix it up.”

“Sweet, you’re right, otherwise I’ll just hate myself at home, best to get amongst the madness.”

Maddy and I walk into the house party and I feel awkward. Being 16, you always feel awkward – actually I still feel incredibly awkward most  of the time. I hate walking in anywhere. People sharply turning their heads to look at who has entered and then quickly turn back, to continue their conversation. This was no different as I imagined that we walked through the party gates and everyone stopped and stared like we were in a teen movie and the ugly duckling had finally shocked everyone with her make over. I am sure that is in my overactive mind and we walked in and the party carried on around us. We quickly found the host of the party. She was incredibly interesting, she was bubbly and extremely good to me for about six months, while we had a class together, but the friendship did not last long.

“Oh Bridie, you came!!!” She was beaming and gave me a tight hug.

“Of course, I came” Smiling and then turning to Maddy to roll my eyes.

“So what can I get you to drink?”

“Ohhhhh I’m still on medication, so I don’t think I will drink tonight”

“But it’s an open bar?”

“Nuff said, I’ll have something with vodka thanks”

Maddy and I walked back outside. The first drink went down without a hitch. Then the second. While the liquor was flowing and I was beginning to feel much more relaxed. Maddy and I would go from group to group talking rubbish to people that we would see all day at school. The party was pretty good. People were having fun and because it was in the small town that I grew up in, it was accessible for people to get to, rather than out of town like usual. People came and went. We started doing shots of tequila. On my third shot, I threw up everywhere. Maddy rushed me to the toilet and I continued to throw up. I wasn’t feeling too bad though. She gave me some gum and I felt much better. Maybe the more intelligent girl at the beginning of that night, should not have had a drink when she was on medication. We went back outside and the guy that I had been hooking up with on and off for years was there (that went on for nearly a decade.) I started to get nervous, when he looked over at me and smiled. After a while, he came over to me.

“Looking good tonight Winters.” He said

I looked down and went bright red. Wait, no that didn’t happen. I wish that happened.

This is what really happened.

“Looking good tonight Winters” He said.

“Let’s go.” He smiled at me and we started to leave the party.

We reached the gate to her house and met some people there to chat. They looked at us and we excused ourselves and continued on going for a walk. We walked up a few more houses and then started to make out. This continued until people were yelling out to us, so we began our journey to find some privacy. We reached an opening that had some grass and trees. We continued making out as teenagers do, oh wait we were teenagers. I thought that I was sobering up after all of that vomiting. Hmmm I wonder if he knows that I was sick moments before this journey . We had never really gone very far even though we had got together on a number of different occasions. Things went much further that night. Not all the way, but further. About an hour later we were getting up to go back to the party.

“Where are my undies?” I asked him.

He continued looking around the area that we were in, but with no luck.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe that you have lost my undies. ” I said between more making out.

“You think that’s bad, at least you don’t have chewing gum stuck down there.”

“I’m sorry, what?” We stopped kissing. I notice that I was no longer chewing the gum and am pretty sure that I didn’t swallow it. Dammit. Mortified. Oh my. This will be an interesting story that goes around school on Monday at 9am. So not only had I lost my underwear. I had the sinking feeling that someone would find them  the next morning, when they pulled up for church, because that is where I realised that we were when we started walking back to the party, in the church car park.

When we got back to the party, I left him to find Maddy. I told her the story while we were in the toilet together.

“So now, I have to stay here and be all commando, because I can’t go home this wasted, Mum will kill me.”

Maddy takes off her underwear and hands them to me, I put them on inside out and back the front. This is what true friendship is all about and this is Maddy to the core, a true friend. Always getting me out of the little blunders that I used to get myself into. Maddy went home and I stayed the night at the party. At some stage, I got another guy to go and help me look for my underwear but unfortunately we couldn’t find anything. There were a few people that stayed at the party that night and we drove to a bigger town the next day to get McDonalds to relieve those nasty hangovers.

I later found out that he had to go home and cut the chewing gum out of that area.  I wish I could say that that was the only embarrassing story that I have with that certain gentleman but that would be a lie. The next story takes place years later and is just as embarrassing… but that will have to wait for another post.

I am thankful though, that when we see each other at the pub on Christmas Eve in that little town,  he gives me a wink and a smile and I do what I wish I had all of those years ago, I blush and look down at my drink.

First Impressions

My phone beeped as I applied the foundation to my face. My face lit up like the phone had when I read his name. After only 10 days of instant messaging and hundreds of texts back and forth, I felt like I had known him for years. I poured another glass of red wine while I decided on what to wear for the sexy picture that I planned on sending him before heading out for the night with friends.

“Hello?” The mixture of nerves and being tipsy made the electricity shoot through me when I finally heard his voice.  His voice was comforting and  it reassured me that tonight was a good idea. I would usually never dare to go to a stranger’s house. His sexy, deep voice washed over me and I was more convinced that we should meet tonight. If it was a disaster, we could leave it in the last few days of the year and move on without much fuss. Before I left my friends for the night, we had one last shot of tequila to settle my nerves before the long cab ride. The texts kept coming while I flirted with the cab driver, trying to get a cheaper fare. I was giving him a play by play, while the cabby and I introduced ourselves and started talking about the current immigration policy, to try and distract me from what I was actually doing. I confided in him when we arrived at the address that he had given me, “Listen Sharif, I have never met this bloke before,” I cringed “Do you think that he will kill me?” Sharif did not squash my fears by the shocked look on his face. “Bridie, do you really think this is a good idea?” I faked the biggest smile that I could “I’m sure it will be fine, he seems lovely, what’s the worst that can happen?” as I flipped my hair confidently. I held my hands together to stop them shaking. “I don’t know if you should do this.” I turned around to see a face beside the window, looking in at me. It was him – there is no backing out now. “Bye Sharif!” He opened the door and kissed me on the cheek. He had said earlier that he would pay half of my $80 fare, but when he opened his wallet all that was in it was a $20 note and a betting slip, he handed it to me. Who is this guy? I laughed and he said “Hey, you can still win off that”. I laughed more and blushed as we looked at each other for the first few seconds. I was shaking. We reached his house. “Do you want something to drink?” Hmmmm I was starting to feel pretty drunk. “Sure, why not” I smiled, hoping I didn’t look like a Cheshire cat, but enough to cover up that I am scared that he is going to drug me and cut me up into tiny pieces.  We sat next to each other on the couch, my heart racing. I started taking in my surroundings, ok he looks normal enough, even better looking than in his photos, which never happens. His house looks clean, which is good for a guy that lives by himself, I’m not getting murderer vibes, I don’t think I am going to end up… a lampshade. Another drink, should surely be a good idea. I hadn’t eaten anything and had already started  mixing drinks, with red wine, tequila and now bourbon. I took a large sip and continued talking to overcome my nerves. Reason had already begun its descent as the night was beginning to get foggier as I got louder. “I’m really glad that we met tonight.” I yelled to him. I got up and touched his trophies to create more conversation. He reclined the broken couch for us and then reached for my can and passed it to me. Our bodies turned to face each other, however there was no touching. It did not take us long to feel more relaxed as we familiarized ourselves with each other, relying on stories that we had relayed through text in the days leading up to this meeting. As he was pouring another drink, the various liquor seemed to hit me all at once as I fumbled over to him in the kitchen. He got closer to me and I felt him slide past.

That was all I needed in the state that I was in, I stared up at him and put my arms around him pushing forward for that first kiss. I forced myself on him. I had waited long enough, which in reality was half an hour. I was that guy. I wanted to kiss him and I wasn’t interested in waiting for him to make the first move.  “This is happening”, I grabbed his hand and lead him to the first bedroom  I found. “Umm, wrong room”, he said laughing at me and the urgency I was bestowing on us. We made out for a while and things got more heated. In my mind, I looked incredibly sexy, this could have been a scene taken out of a romance novel, soft, sensual kisses. However, my makeup had ran, my hair was knotted and I was a drunken mess, with no inhibitions and the kisses were over the top with me basically eating him.

We went back to the lounge room to watch a movie. We snuggled up together on the couch, for only knowing each other in person for a few hours, he made me feel extremely comfortable but I still had butterflies the entire time, even through my drunk demeanour.

          Oh no, I thought as I tried to casually make my way to the bathroom without causing too much fuss. When I got there, I waited until I heard the door’s lock click before I projectile vomited all over the toilet. Even in my drunken state I was absolutely mortified. What am I going to do? Maybe I can just pretend it didn’t happen if I can clean it up before he gets suspicious…The thoughts had not completely formed before he was at the door asking if I was ok. “Umm yeah I’m fine, everything is fine, I’ll be out in a minute.  Everything is fine, don’t worry.” More rambling occurred and even though I thought I had convinced him, he was more than aware of what was going on. I closed the laundry door and had taken off the toilet seat to wash it in the laundry basin and put the mat in the washing machine. He was still knocking on the door but I was trying my best to keep him out. After I had cleaned everything. I stood back and marvelled at my work like a housewife on a spray and wipe commercial. Yet, there was still bits of red vomit everywhere and it smelt like I had drank the whole bar. This was not a good first impression.  He finally got in the laundry. “Are you sure you’re ok?” he looked worried. “Seriously, I’m fine, nothing happened” I slur and give him a look to suggest that he is crazy and overreacting. He mirrored that look and realised there was no point in arguing “Ok, as long as you are alright, how about we clean you up and get a bucket.” He put a towel around me and put me to bed.

I opened my eyes very carefully – the room was spinning at an incredible pace and I looked over to him snoring beside me. Ohhh my…poor guy, he is going to never want to see me again after this display. As I pulled myself up,  his bedside table provided a stable base to lean on and I realised that he had put my phone and earrings beside me. What a lovely guy. I smiled at him, taking a mental snapshot of the moment and fighting off the feeling of added nausea and embarrassment as to what was going to happen when he woke up. I nearly tripped over the bucket that was at my feet. Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no! I had a flashback of an event with the bucket that would burn in my brain forever. I would never deep throat a banana while looking at my friend for giggles again. In the flashback I gag and nearly vomit all over him. I’m sure it will ‘go down’  in history for him as the worst sexual encounter that he has been forced to be part of.

I tiptoe to the bathroom and try not to vomit at the smell, as I realise that I hadn’t cleaned anything and still can’t as I dry reach. I was still trying to put the pieces of the night together, while I tried not to die and cause myself more embarrassment. I looked like death and realised that I didn’t have any makeup to put on and could barely lift my hand to my face to apply it anyway. I went back into his room and made so much noise as I tried gracefully to get back into bed and pretend that I had not left. He woke, “How are you feeling?” he smiled at me, whilst rubbing the sleep from out of his eyes. “Eeeeerrrrrrggggghhhh, not great at all” He laughed and said, “I’ll take you to your car then.”

We got in the car. Between concentrating on not vomiting all over him and the car, and also trying to rectify that I was not in fact, complete trash, I decided to remain silent. It was the longest car trip ever. When we finally reached the car, I thanked him and apologised for the 2939485849th time. He kissed me on the cheek and we said goodbye.

I sat in the car, my head in my hands, mortified. I sent one last text, assuming that he wouldn’t respond. Within seconds I got a reply…I definitely didn’t give this guy enough credit. I mustered a smile and swallowed more vomit.

*That was nearly a year ago. We have had many more funny adventures over the last year and still text everyday. He is absolutely gorgeous. Unfortunately things didn’t work out – I wonder where I went wrong, when I had made such a great first impression :-/ I am incredibly thankful that I did get a best mate out of it though.