Call me Muva

Last year was not one of my better years for dating. It can actually be summed up in one interaction. I got told by a guy that I’ve known for years that while he would love to take me out, but we would have to wait until things calm down. Alright, people hear that all of the time, it’s a lovely way to let someone down gently. The only difference being that the guy who said that doesn’t work and lives at home with his parents. That is also totally fine, not here to judge. What needs to calm down then, you ask? Yep, that would be his paranoid delusions, those are what needs to calm down. His concerns about the government are why we can’t go out for cocktails on his parent’s dime. That’s how much I slayed in 2017.

In October, I swiped right on a dude that resembled one of my ex’s and in his next pic he looked like a different one. These guys don’t actually look anything alike, that’s the weird thing. Anyway, we matched and we liked the same movies, TV shows, food, etc.. So far, so good. A little bit younger than I am used to, but that doesn’t really matter. We then decided that we would meet by going for a drive. I had to look hot for my younger man. I wore a maxi dress with a plunging neckline. We started driving around the streets, when it started to rain like mad. He finally had to pull over because we could no longer see what was in front of us. I was extremely nervous, so I would giggle, pull stupid faces and just was being an overall cringing mess. I could not help but tease him…a lot. He got a bit cut but I decided to keep on going. Maybe our personalities were clashing but it was hard to tell as I was absolutely ridiculous and could hardly say that he really knew the somewhat normal me. While we were stopped it was the perfect opportunity to make out for a bit. The car make out is always awkward. I feel totally self conscious and think ‘we are far too old to be doing this shit.’ Gone are the days where it was a thrill. So we are making out and then I made him go to the drive through and buy me a bottle of water, pashing is hard work. Plus that cunt can buy me something for the honour of making out with me. So I waited until he was painfully hard and made him drop me home.

I think it was a few weeks later before I booty called his ass. The sex was nice and polite. I am the worst though. I have grown bored of the getting to know you sex. Let’s get to the stage where it’s not awkward and you are pulling my hair and I’m biting your lip…hard. Oh and he has a lip ring, something that I’ve never been into but now find totally hot.

So he decides not to get back to me. I persist. I don’t like bullshit and thought that this guy had more balls that what he is currently displaying. You don’t want to see me, say that then. Push…Push…Push. Until in the end he messages me a massive paragraph on him needing space. Sure he is working full time, studying part time, but you also live at home, so people are helping you with your shit. Then there was the kicker. So I need space because my Mum is going through cancer treatment and I am spending as much time as I can with her, as she did the same for me when I had cancer when I was younger. Yep, I am the worst. Yep – the worst. Worst person in the world right here, it’s me. So space is what I gave him. After apologising like a crazy person and offering to drive his mum to her appointments, because that’s the kind of psycho I am. Anyway he wasn’t a dick and we left it nicely. For a month or so anyways…then just like that we fell back into the messages, snaps and plans to meet again. The pics of him in his Homer Simpson pj pants would make me laugh and made me realise that I did want to hang out with him more. He would say how awkward I was and there was more than one occasion that I totally ruined the mood. I couldn’t help it, but he totally cracked it, which is annoying, he needs to stop being so sensitive. So we hooked up a few more times after I was nice and LIT, the sex was getting better and better. So of course we had a fight and ended things again…but hey guess who has just come sliding back into my snapchat 😉 So I plan to annoy him more but saying that he has a bomb dick, calling him a child and making the worst jokes so his eyes roll back into his head. giphy

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