Get up sex machine

I spend the majority of my life with conflicting thoughts. Who is hotter, the guy from Preacher or the guy from The Handmaid’s tale? Should I eat low-fat to save calories or eat full fat because it doesn’t contain the same chemicals? Who should I write about next? The guy with the baby dick or the guy that made me blush like a schoolgirl in his presence? I have decided to discuss the guy that gave me butterflies.

I’m not overly romantic. I currently believe that most people settle, because to be in a couple is what is expected. For the first few years it may be love but I don’t know if I believe in… forever. People change, you compromise yourself. The shit they did in the beginning was cute but then you grow to hate their little quirks and slowly get filled with resentment. Someone is often more in love than the other. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t claim to have the answers. Anyway, what I do find extremely hot is longing. People caught up in the moment, trying not to give into their most basic primal urges. IT’S HOT. In the 2005 movie version of Pride and Prejudice, Mr. Darcy helps Elizabeth Bennet into the carriage simply by offering his hand. As he walks away from her the next shot is of his hand, he stretches out his fingers, like his flesh had awoken, just by touching her hand.

We live in 2017 and I just spoke about my favourite scene being as small as two people touching hands. (Is something wrong with me?)

There are a few similar scenes in the Handmaid’s Tale. June and Nick next to each other facing forward while their fingers graze each other, followed by separate shots of their eyes closed while they react to the moment. Throughout the first season there are so many moments of want and need for each other, the brooding glances, without any words. I get sucked into it, the butterflies from stolen looks. Being restricted from your basic desires. The need to reach out and explore someone else, feeling the heat of each other. It is something that we often take for granted when and if we are in a relationship for a long time, because we tend to not take the time to carefully explore each other. Soooo, I think that I’m attracted to feelings of lust, rather than love.

The following story is my version of it. The giddiness I felt from being in the room with a someone I had just met and the weeks that followed.

Over Easter this year I worked…worked every day in a kitchen at a bar over the comedy festival. It’s my favourite time of year. I love to laugh (that is such a redundant statement) but stand up is my thing. I try to get to as many shows as possible over the month but that wasn’t possible with all of the work that I was doing. But luckily the bar that I worked out ran free comedy, I thought we knew the majority of the amateur comedians that were performing at the pub but we met a few newbies over the time. It was the third weekend and the first Saturday night for the second group, Clem and I were having a great time, but I was a bit homesick and missing my niece and nephew. I decided to make them cool gifts, to let them know that I was thinking of them. Some of the regulars were there as well as some of the lingering comedians that were playing pool. One dude that was playing pool with them was hot, but I wasn’t too phased, I was actually more excited about the gifts that I was making the kids. We weren’t paying much attention to the comedians and one of our mates brought an extremely drunk dude in, who we hadn’t met before. He ended up dropping the gift and it smashed…absolutely everywhere. I was furious and so upset. He was such a dickkkkkk. Not too long later we kicked everyone out because I was over it and just wanted to Christian Bale (leave.)

The next day we rock in and a guy thanked Clem for letting them stay behind while they drank and played pool. She told me his name, it didn’t ring any bells. It seemed that there were plenty of comedians that we did not know. His name was Tom. His eyes looked right through me, he was fucking gorgeous. He was extremely polite to us and hilarious. He would intimidate James Brown and have me in tears of laughter. I instantly had eggplant emoji’s in my eyes. This guy is stunning, funny and thoughtful. His voice was low and raspy, which was helping  the desires that were playing on a loop in my head. After some Facebook research, it turned out that he had previously lived with people that I had grown up with, which was so weird.  I looked forward to my shifts and to seeing him, while trying to play it down.

I would walk out of the kitchen into the bar and there he was. Our eyes would meet before my head would drop down, the colour rushing straight to my cheeks to betray me. I would carry on with what I had to do before returning to my sanctuary that the kitchen provided. Depending on where I was, I was sometimes greeted with a kiss on the cheek or when he was leaving. On a Saturday night, he was wasted and I was extremely forward, (not face to face of course, but sneaky Facebook Messenger). He left with some dudes to go to another pub and watch the premier league, Clem and I were meant to follow after we had shut the pub. I followed them out and on the corner, he came back and kissed me before leaving. I pinched myself, did that really happen? Writing about it 4 months later, I am second guessing myself all over again. I couldn’t wait to get the next pub. But it didn’t happen…

The next day was the last night of the festival…I am not the most competitive person, but when a girl walked in and was so obviously keen on Tom, I started seeing red. The Kill Bill music was in my head. Who was this girl? I was getting ridiculously jelly while watching them play pool. Luckily I had other distractions, like the fact that we had now run out of a beer. Yep, a pub with an event on without beer. Nothing on tap and the fridge was emptying very quickly. So now there were three of us in the running. The other chick was an extremely dominant comedian, that scared the shit out of me, I get the feeling that she was banging a different comedian and was up for a threesome. There was the three of us with the elusive Tom in our sites. Hmm this was going to be tricky.

The guy that ran the festival was being a bit of a dick to Tom, so he didn’t want to be there. He wanted to finish his show and leave. I liquored him up for his final show and the night seemed to go really quickly. I was hoping that his mood would change and he would end up staying.

When he was leaving he followed me behind the bar, entering the other room. He was saying goodbye while I was begging him to stay. He went to kiss me on the cheek, but I moved and his lips found mine. There was time for a few stolen kisses, before stopping as we weren’t the only ones in the room. My smile reached my eyes…I wanted more. The kisses although totally satisfying, weren’t enough. I needed him and I needed him badly. However, I was pretty psyched that I was the one that ended up kissing him. I only realised later when we were chatting online that the other chick had taken him home last week when they were drunk. I was mortified. I felt so stupid. He downplayed it, but I would soon find out that it didn’t really matter. As I didn’t realise that this would be the last time that I would see him.

He left…

The man with the deep brown eyes, moved back interstate to his family. He packed his things and said goodbye to his friends. We didn’t have time to catch up before he left. Why would we? We had only known each other for just over a week. Now I sometimes send him, highly inappropriate shit by message but he is so sweet, he just laughs it off… like I am sure he will do with this blog post. So now I am left with memories of a few stolen kisses and sideways glances while all I wanted him to do was bend me over the pool table.

Those fucking eyes. *sigh*

 

 

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This guy mos def lifts bro…

I have written about lovable hair pulling shorty, now I will tell you about the other Lebanese Australian man that I have dated, who is pretty much, the complete opposite of him. He was 6’4 and 103 kg’s, lets call him Unit, cause that’s what he was. I dated him years ago. I was intrigued by this guy. He was massive. We met on a dating website. we chatted for a bit and he seemed like a really nice guy. His pics weren’t anything special, amazing body, wasn’t too sure about his face, but I can get past that because he was nice. Reading that back, I sound like a shallow bitch, but that isn’t the case. When it comes to internet dating, after a while you do come with a side of skepticism. Anyway, he asked me out and wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with me. As far as I’m concerned that’s a pretty big no no, so I graciously declined and suggested another day. Why would I want to go out on a first date on Valentine’s day? My idea of Valentine’s day is watching seriously depressing movies like Blue Valentine and Revolutionary Road with pizza and red wine. I am not even being over dramatic, which is a change. I really do love those movies. The start being so promising and then life and it’s shittyness fucking things up for a couple where their relationship changes over many years. That isn’t me being a depressing psycho, that’s change and if a couple changes together or separately and then they fall apart. I am getting off topic, so we scheduled coffee in the morning a few days later.

The conversation before we had meet was pretty bland. He was a gentleman. Nothing sexual (eg. no dick pics) no dirty comments, nothing. I wore a really pretty pink floral dress and I felt vibrant and confident (okay, the confident part is a stretch, but I felt like I looked cute, still wanted to vomit though.) We actually pulled up at the cafe at the same time. This guy was fucking massive. I felt tiny beside him. It was hot. I felt like he was Shaq and I was his tiny wife.

The Pencils Of Promise 2011 Charity Gala

 

He gave me a kiss on the mouth, which for me is another turn on, it catches me off guard and I like the confidence it shows on their end. He pulled out my seat and we ordered coffees. So far, so good. He was lovely. We had heaps to talk about, actually we didn’t shut up. He came from a massive family and he told me all about them. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and asked a lot of questions about me as well, (this can also be rare.) He had a cheeky smile and we had heaps of chemistry. I really liked the guy. He paid for our drinks, also a nice touch. He suggested that we watch a movie. I was excited, maybe we would make out in the cinema, that could be cool, old school, but I’ll give it a crack. He discussed that we would take both of our cars and that I would follow him because we were over in his hood. That is fine with me, still had not thought anything strange was happening. We started driving. I do have a rough idea of the area since a couple of my friends live over that way and this isn’t the way I would go to the movies, it’s actually in the other direction, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We drove for another 10 minutes and I was still hopeful that we weren’t in fact driving back to his house…which we were. I was in two minds, most of me was saying, well that was cheeky. Where as the other part was saying, well played.

We walked inside, said hi to his housemate and he showed me around. He had like a separate area of the house, which had a kitchen, bathroom, etc, but was still connected. I don’t know why it was like that, but still not that weird. The weird part was when we got into his little section, there were mirrors all over the walls. Yep. Mirrors. He was renting, so he said that he hadn’t put them up, but who knows. The thing I was most upset about was that he didn’t even put a movie on!!!!!!!!!! Now that upset me. Not enough though, because we started making out on the couch. Unit was all over me and it was hot. So hot that we moved things into the bedroom, where there was more mirrors, I might add. So we both got to put on shows for not only each other but could fully work on our sexy faces and moves while looking in the mirror. That definitely enhanced the experience as well as the fact that I was fucking a giant. We hung out for a bit but I was getting restless and wanted to bail and go and see what my friends were up to. Little did they know that the date went down better than my delicious latte.

I booty called him a few weeks later and we hooked up again, but after that the novelty wore off. I have now ticked both the giant and the mirrored walls off my sexual bucket list. I will never fall for the movie trick again though, I want movie details, not directions to your house!!!

Tall, dark and handsome? Part 2

Okay okay okay…So I know that it has taken me a hell of a long time to put my fingertips to keyboard and for that I apologise. So here is the final installment of tall, dark and handsome?

As I walked from my apartment to the street, it felt like it was from a jail cell to the electric chair. The constant stream of questions running through my head, how will it go? Will he like me? The usual questions that run through people’s heads before a blind date. I saw a white Jeep approaching.  I took a deep breath and approached the car. I opened the door and was waiting for a smile to greet me. It didn’t. I got in the car and we spoke nervously, so far not attracted to him. As he drove, I began to get nervous as he kept one eye, looking me up and down judgmentally and one eye on the road. This is going to be a problem. He grunted at me. What the hell, was I doing?!!?!?!?! As this was my first blind date, I forced a smile, so I would eventually feel like what I was projecting. He was taking me to Crown, of course he was going to go through valet parking, if I was meant to be impressed, I wasn’t. We jumped out of the car and I realised that he needed a ladder to get out of it. He definitely knew how to take a photo in which he looks taller. We finally saw each other standing up, I know that he wasn’t impressed but the feeling was definitely mutual. I love a pair of warm brown eyes, his judgmental eyes did not line up, as in one eye was looking at the ground and one eye was looking at the sky. This took me by surprise, while looking at him straight on. My smile muscles have never hurt more. When we walked through the casino, he grunted at me if I would like to eat anything and we continued basically looking like small children running through the casino, with him walking at least 2 steps in front of me.

We arrived at the cinema and Gold Class was full. We had not thought this through, okay, let me revise that, I had not thought this through. In hindsight, I don’t think that he was worried about the movie we were going to watch. He asked if I would like to see ‘Red Dawn’ as an avid movie goer, I was unimpressed that I had not even heard of this movie and was less keen to see it, but that was the only thing on, so he asked for two tickets to see ‘Red Down’, so I found out that he was also illiterate. We waited outside the cinema, while they cleaned it. We sat down and barely spoke, he continued to look me up and down. I retreated to another world, wondering if I should say I was going to the bathroom and get a taxi home, I will definitely never get picked up for a first date again – always drive so I can escape, I could never do that, leave him sitting there unsure and embarrassed, but loved the thought of it. He bought a bottle of water, did not offer to buy me one or tell me where he was going. This guy was most definitely a jerk. Now I may not be timid in my speech, but I am in my actions. So although, I was not at all interested, I did not want to be rude or hurt his feelings, so I smiled through it all, knowing that I could endure the next few hours and go home. As soon as we walked into the cinema, he put the armrest up and his arm around me. For someone that acted like he despised me, this was unexpected. Okay, so my brain failed. This guy was a jerk and I was cuddling up to him. I thought he might be nervous, after all the last few weeks, he had been the perfect gentlemen. We kissed, his breath was terrible, I opened my eyes while we were kissing and his crooked eyes freaked me out, so I quickly closed them again. So we continued to make out. Even as I am writing this, I cringe. He was far more interested in getting further and further, so his hands went down my top and as he grabbed and prodded me. His rough hands pushing through my layers to get through to my soft breasts. The movie was terrible. And every 5 minutes, he would whisper in my ear “lets go back to your place”. To which I would say “No.” He kept on trying to get down my jeans and every time I would grab his hand to hold it instead, he would get mad and throw my hand down and try again. The movie went for sooooo long. I could not look at this guy front on, those cross eyes were definitely a form of karma for trying to violate me. I was so thankful that the date was nearly over, but at the same time, did not know how I was going to get out of the second date if he asked. So we picked up the car, he was quite rude to the super polite valet. On the whole way home he wanted to know if he should pull over so we could hook up in the car. I said “Why? If that was going to happen, wouldn’t we go back to my house?” But I shut it down, that isn’t going to happen. He looked mad and I felt awkward. When we finally approached my house, he turned to me and said “As you have probably guessed, you are not my type.” Excuse me? I was speechless, I laughed in his face and got out of the car. I sent him a message saying “I’m sorry for wasting your time”. But what I really meant was You’re a dick.

Every time I see him on the TV or on the ground with my football team, I laugh. So the date was sooo terrible, but it always reminds me, that if I can get through that and laugh, I can get through anything. After all, its just a few hours.

So the second part of this story is now called Short, Grumpy and cross eyed.

Tall, dark and handsome?

I wouldn’t call myself a romantic. I’m not completely heartless, but my perfect proposal would be, me and (insert dude’s name here) to be sitting on the couch, he looks over at me, says “You are pretty cool, fuck it, lets get married.” Reading that back, that’s actually quite depressing. Okay, now I want to be a some sort of resort with cocktails and get proposed to in our own private pool. As you can see, I have no idea what I want. My fantasy consists of me and the person that I get excited about in all senses to be like, “yeah Bridie, this is awesome, you are awesome, this could mos def work.”

When I took the plunge a couple of years ago to start online dating, I was excited. The thought of  dating real men and going out on real dates, with people that I had never met before, well it actually scared the hell out of me, but I decided to embrace that feeling. On a lazy Saturday afternoon, I decided that I would go online and see what the boys had in store for me. I came across someone, not necessarily my type, but I thought to myself why not? He looks okay and has nice brown eyes. Okay, do not forget the fact that I said he had nice eyes…We started to chat, he was really nice and friendly. I like to think of myself as a realist, so when he told me that he worked for the football team that I barrack for, I was more than skeptical. But, I had a card up my sleeve. Luckily that card is a reliable source and more importantly, my best friend. So while I am chatting to him/completing a thorough background check on the guy, he decides to call me. I hate the phone. I hate not being able to put someone at ease in person, just by smiling at them. I hate that we don’t know each other, so I don’t know, how this conversation is going to go down. Which turns me into a frightened school girl walking home from school, with a weird man following behind her. When in reality he is just going for a walk, picking flowers and shit for his wife. No, he is not a pedophile, the girl is just irrationally scared. Anyway, I speak to him. He turns out to be a really nice guy, so I am getting keener and I am hopeful. So when my best friend states that she does not really think that he is my type, I take it with a grain of salt. He asks if I am free that night to meet him. I decline, partly because I have to go to Clem’s birthday, partly because I want to know more about him. He explains that he is then off on a footy trip and won’t be home for 10 days. Perfect, nothing will be rushed. Clem’s party was hilarious and he text me most of the night, asking for my favourite numbers as those are the horses that he will put bets on. He had explained that they would be out of range for half of the time that he was going to be away. So over the next few days, the texts are constant. He seemed pretty keen, not in a strange way, just in a nice way. He called me before I went to sleep at night and started to call me babe. I have never been a fan of a pet name but I don’t mind getting called babe. Sure there was warning signs, he said his favourite movie was Sister Act and TV show was Border Patrol. Sister Act is an excellent movie, but when you are a 34 year old man, Come on!!! All of these factors were over looked because he was a nice guy. On the weekend, I kept on getting calls from a blocked number. When I finally realised it wasn’t a debt collector, I picked up the phone and it was him. He had walked to a pay phone to call me because he had no service. So sweet. We were both getting excited for our upcoming date on the night that he got back on the Tuesday. On the Sunday, he dropped his phone in water and it had died, so he called me; once off a mate’s phone, once off a coach’s phone and then finally from his hotel phone. The guy sure was keen. I was nervous but really excited. I had basically sent out a group email to everyone I knew, talking about this new guy and creating buzz for this major life event. It was finally Tuesday, I was leaving work early and my boss had given my special jewellery to wear, not over the top at all *cringing at myself*. I went home and completed the finishing touches. I got several texts about how we were going to go to gold class and he would pick me up from home. Rookie mistake number 1. Always drive and you do not want somebody knowing where you live, as my best friend does work with him and I figure he cant really murder me when all of Victoria knows that we are going out tonight. So I wait until he tells me that he is out the front…

 

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You’ll just have to wait until next week to find out how it all turns out :p