This guy mos def lifts bro…

I have written about lovable hair pulling shorty, now I will tell you about the other Lebanese Australian man that I have dated, who is pretty much, the complete opposite of him. He was 6’4 and 103 kg’s, lets call him Unit, cause that’s what he was. I dated him years ago. I was intrigued by this guy. He was massive. We met on a dating website. we chatted for a bit and he seemed like a really nice guy. His pics weren’t anything special, amazing body, wasn’t too sure about his face, but I can get past that because he was nice. Reading that back, I sound like a shallow bitch, but that isn’t the case. When it comes to internet dating, after a while you do come with a side of skepticism. Anyway, he asked me out and wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with me. As far as I’m concerned that’s a pretty big no no, so I graciously declined and suggested another day. Why would I want to go out on a first date on Valentine’s day? My idea of Valentine’s day is watching seriously depressing movies like Blue Valentine and Revolutionary Road with pizza and red wine. I am not even being over dramatic, which is a change. I really do love those movies. The start being so promising and then life and it’s shittyness fucking things up for a couple where their relationship changes over many years. That isn’t me being a depressing psycho, that’s change and if a couple changes together or separately and then they fall apart. I am getting off topic, so we scheduled coffee in the morning a few days later.

The conversation before we had meet was pretty bland. He was a gentleman. Nothing sexual (eg. no dick pics) no dirty comments, nothing. I wore a really pretty pink floral dress and I felt vibrant and confident (okay, the confident part is a stretch, but I felt like I looked cute, still wanted to vomit though.) We actually pulled up at the cafe at the same time. This guy was fucking massive. I felt tiny beside him. It was hot. I felt like he was Shaq and I was his tiny wife.

The Pencils Of Promise 2011 Charity Gala

 

He gave me a kiss on the mouth, which for me is another turn on, it catches me off guard and I like the confidence it shows on their end. He pulled out my seat and we ordered coffees. So far, so good. He was lovely. We had heaps to talk about, actually we didn’t shut up. He came from a massive family and he told me all about them. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and asked a lot of questions about me as well, (this can also be rare.) He had a cheeky smile and we had heaps of chemistry. I really liked the guy. He paid for our drinks, also a nice touch. He suggested that we watch a movie. I was excited, maybe we would make out in the cinema, that could be cool, old school, but I’ll give it a crack. He discussed that we would take both of our cars and that I would follow him because we were over in his hood. That is fine with me, still had not thought anything strange was happening. We started driving. I do have a rough idea of the area since a couple of my friends live over that way and this isn’t the way I would go to the movies, it’s actually in the other direction, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We drove for another 10 minutes and I was still hopeful that we weren’t in fact driving back to his house…which we were. I was in two minds, most of me was saying, well that was cheeky. Where as the other part was saying, well played.

We walked inside, said hi to his housemate and he showed me around. He had like a separate area of the house, which had a kitchen, bathroom, etc, but was still connected. I don’t know why it was like that, but still not that weird. The weird part was when we got into his little section, there were mirrors all over the walls. Yep. Mirrors. He was renting, so he said that he hadn’t put them up, but who knows. The thing I was most upset about was that he didn’t even put a movie on!!!!!!!!!! Now that upset me. Not enough though, because we started making out on the couch. Unit was all over me and it was hot. So hot that we moved things into the bedroom, where there was more mirrors, I might add. So we both got to put on shows for not only each other but could fully work on our sexy faces and moves while looking in the mirror. That definitely enhanced the experience as well as the fact that I was fucking a giant. We hung out for a bit but I was getting restless and wanted to bail and go and see what my friends were up to. Little did they know that the date went down better than my delicious latte.

I booty called him a few weeks later and we hooked up again, but after that the novelty wore off. I have now ticked both the giant and the mirrored walls off my sexual bucket list. I will never fall for the movie trick again though, I want movie details, not directions to your house!!!

Tall, dark and handsome? Part 2

Okay okay okay…So I know that it has taken me a hell of a long time to put my fingertips to keyboard and for that I apologise. So here is the final installment of tall, dark and handsome?

As I walked from my apartment to the street, it felt like it was from a jail cell to the electric chair. The constant stream of questions running through my head, how will it go? Will he like me? The usual questions that run through people’s heads before a blind date. I saw a white Jeep approaching.  I took a deep breath and approached the car. I opened the door and was waiting for a smile to greet me. It didn’t. I got in the car and we spoke nervously, so far not attracted to him. As he drove, I began to get nervous as he kept one eye, looking me up and down judgmentally and one eye on the road. This is going to be a problem. He grunted at me. What the hell, was I doing?!!?!?!?! As this was my first blind date, I forced a smile, so I would eventually feel like what I was projecting. He was taking me to Crown, of course he was going to go through valet parking, if I was meant to be impressed, I wasn’t. We jumped out of the car and I realised that he needed a ladder to get out of it. He definitely knew how to take a photo in which he looks taller. We finally saw each other standing up, I know that he wasn’t impressed but the feeling was definitely mutual. I love a pair of warm brown eyes, his judgmental eyes did not line up, as in one eye was looking at the ground and one eye was looking at the sky. This took me by surprise, while looking at him straight on. My smile muscles have never hurt more. When we walked through the casino, he grunted at me if I would like to eat anything and we continued basically looking like small children running through the casino, with him walking at least 2 steps in front of me.

We arrived at the cinema and Gold Class was full. We had not thought this through, okay, let me revise that, I had not thought this through. In hindsight, I don’t think that he was worried about the movie we were going to watch. He asked if I would like to see ‘Red Dawn’ as an avid movie goer, I was unimpressed that I had not even heard of this movie and was less keen to see it, but that was the only thing on, so he asked for two tickets to see ‘Red Down’, so I found out that he was also illiterate. We waited outside the cinema, while they cleaned it. We sat down and barely spoke, he continued to look me up and down. I retreated to another world, wondering if I should say I was going to the bathroom and get a taxi home, I will definitely never get picked up for a first date again – always drive so I can escape, I could never do that, leave him sitting there unsure and embarrassed, but loved the thought of it. He bought a bottle of water, did not offer to buy me one or tell me where he was going. This guy was most definitely a jerk. Now I may not be timid in my speech, but I am in my actions. So although, I was not at all interested, I did not want to be rude or hurt his feelings, so I smiled through it all, knowing that I could endure the next few hours and go home. As soon as we walked into the cinema, he put the armrest up and his arm around me. For someone that acted like he despised me, this was unexpected. Okay, so my brain failed. This guy was a jerk and I was cuddling up to him. I thought he might be nervous, after all the last few weeks, he had been the perfect gentlemen. We kissed, his breath was terrible, I opened my eyes while we were kissing and his crooked eyes freaked me out, so I quickly closed them again. So we continued to make out. Even as I am writing this, I cringe. He was far more interested in getting further and further, so his hands went down my top and as he grabbed and prodded me. His rough hands pushing through my layers to get through to my soft breasts. The movie was terrible. And every 5 minutes, he would whisper in my ear “lets go back to your place”. To which I would say “No.” He kept on trying to get down my jeans and every time I would grab his hand to hold it instead, he would get mad and throw my hand down and try again. The movie went for sooooo long. I could not look at this guy front on, those cross eyes were definitely a form of karma for trying to violate me. I was so thankful that the date was nearly over, but at the same time, did not know how I was going to get out of the second date if he asked. So we picked up the car, he was quite rude to the super polite valet. On the whole way home he wanted to know if he should pull over so we could hook up in the car. I said “Why? If that was going to happen, wouldn’t we go back to my house?” But I shut it down, that isn’t going to happen. He looked mad and I felt awkward. When we finally approached my house, he turned to me and said “As you have probably guessed, you are not my type.” Excuse me? I was speechless, I laughed in his face and got out of the car. I sent him a message saying “I’m sorry for wasting your time”. But what I really meant was You’re a dick.

Every time I see him on the TV or on the ground with my football team, I laugh. So the date was sooo terrible, but it always reminds me, that if I can get through that and laugh, I can get through anything. After all, its just a few hours.

So the second part of this story is now called Short, Grumpy and cross eyed.

Tall, dark and handsome?

I wouldn’t call myself a romantic. I’m not completely heartless, but my perfect proposal would be, me and (insert dude’s name here) to be sitting on the couch, he looks over at me, says “You are pretty cool, fuck it, lets get married.” Reading that back, that’s actually quite depressing. Okay, now I want to be a some sort of resort with cocktails and get proposed to in our own private pool. As you can see, I have no idea what I want. My fantasy consists of me and the person that I get excited about in all senses to be like, “yeah Bridie, this is awesome, you are awesome, this could mos def work.”

When I took the plunge a couple of years ago to start online dating, I was excited. The thought of  dating real men and going out on real dates, with people that I had never met before, well it actually scared the hell out of me, but I decided to embrace that feeling. On a lazy Saturday afternoon, I decided that I would go online and see what the boys had in store for me. I came across someone, not necessarily my type, but I thought to myself why not? He looks okay and has nice brown eyes. Okay, do not forget the fact that I said he had nice eyes…We started to chat, he was really nice and friendly. I like to think of myself as a realist, so when he told me that he worked for the football team that I barrack for, I was more than skeptical. But, I had a card up my sleeve. Luckily that card is a reliable source and more importantly, my best friend. So while I am chatting to him/completing a thorough background check on the guy, he decides to call me. I hate the phone. I hate not being able to put someone at ease in person, just by smiling at them. I hate that we don’t know each other, so I don’t know, how this conversation is going to go down. Which turns me into a frightened school girl walking home from school, with a weird man following behind her. When in reality he is just going for a walk, picking flowers and shit for his wife. No, he is not a pedophile, the girl is just irrationally scared. Anyway, I speak to him. He turns out to be a really nice guy, so I am getting keener and I am hopeful. So when my best friend states that she does not really think that he is my type, I take it with a grain of salt. He asks if I am free that night to meet him. I decline, partly because I have to go to Clem’s birthday, partly because I want to know more about him. He explains that he is then off on a footy trip and won’t be home for 10 days. Perfect, nothing will be rushed. Clem’s party was hilarious and he text me most of the night, asking for my favourite numbers as those are the horses that he will put bets on. He had explained that they would be out of range for half of the time that he was going to be away. So over the next few days, the texts are constant. He seemed pretty keen, not in a strange way, just in a nice way. He called me before I went to sleep at night and started to call me babe. I have never been a fan of a pet name but I don’t mind getting called babe. Sure there was warning signs, he said his favourite movie was Sister Act and TV show was Border Patrol. Sister Act is an excellent movie, but when you are a 34 year old man, Come on!!! All of these factors were over looked because he was a nice guy. On the weekend, I kept on getting calls from a blocked number. When I finally realised it wasn’t a debt collector, I picked up the phone and it was him. He had walked to a pay phone to call me because he had no service. So sweet. We were both getting excited for our upcoming date on the night that he got back on the Tuesday. On the Sunday, he dropped his phone in water and it had died, so he called me; once off a mate’s phone, once off a coach’s phone and then finally from his hotel phone. The guy sure was keen. I was nervous but really excited. I had basically sent out a group email to everyone I knew, talking about this new guy and creating buzz for this major life event. It was finally Tuesday, I was leaving work early and my boss had given my special jewellery to wear, not over the top at all *cringing at myself*. I went home and completed the finishing touches. I got several texts about how we were going to go to gold class and he would pick me up from home. Rookie mistake number 1. Always drive and you do not want somebody knowing where you live, as my best friend does work with him and I figure he cant really murder me when all of Victoria knows that we are going out tonight. So I wait until he tells me that he is out the front…

 

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You’ll just have to wait until next week to find out how it all turns out :p