A few days ago, I saw Shorty. Enough said. Actually it was one of the funniest things I have ever experienced. He accidentally did a back flip off the bed, the cat wouldn’t stop licking him and my housemate was pacing up and down the entire time. Sure it wasn’t the stuff of true romance but I do enjoy a good belly laugh.
Join me next year, because I can pretty much guarantee that I will still be single and I will try again to have a month without sex…
I like that I am still keeping what I like to now call Some-Men-Bro, because really it’s clear that I have fucked it. Anyway I’ve only got a few more days until it’s all over. Oneeeeee more weekend…I mean it’s fine, I can resist the D, (oh wait, I couldn’t.) I mean this isn’t the longest I have gone without it. But I am single and if the opportunity does come up with someone that I desire, I am not going say that I am waiting for my husband. I just don’t like restrictions.
My super hot dreams and listening to dancing to Salt’n’Pepper while I get dressed is not helping. Didn’t see shorty last night, because I ended up having to work. I so would have made out with him, so it’s for the best. Maybe I should ditch my date with Shorty and troll for a black dude this weekend…
Okay so here we are at nearly the end of day 23. I have something to admit, I am back on the soft drinks…I had a really bad bug on Tuesday last week and I crumbled and had to self soathe with lemonade. I was throwing up like the girl in the Exorcist and really was pretty fucking foul. But I didn’t eat for nearly three days so it turned out to be a pretty sweet way to diet.
That wasn’t the only thing that I couldn’t keep out of my mouth 😦 I had to go over to my fuck buddies house to drop something off. I wasn’t even wearing anything cute. Went over, talked some shit, stayed at least a metre away from him. Then he started with me, come here, etc. I resisted. He stopped for a bit. Started again. I resisted again. Then he started kissing me on the neck and I fully melted in his hands…Damn him!!! I was going soooo well!!! We didn’t go all the way, but I figure at this age, it doesn’t matter…I fucked up No-Men-Bro and now I’ve cracked it and not speaking to him again, for the 182882384893829284838282 time this month. I lasted a whole 16 days without the D and that is pretty much because I didn’t see him for those days!
Oh well, now I have a date tomorrow and another one on the 1st with the same guy…and I’m going to bring it and give that mother fucker blue balls, so he loses his shit…Is it next Tuesday already?
Well people, I am half way there! You better not be reading thinking, its been two weeks dude. I know its only been two weeks, but fuck, I’m a single woman in 2015, I should be getting my fuck on and reporting back to you. I have been thinking about filters and more importantly my lack of a filter. Maybe I will become that weird middle aged lady 
I just text someone “can we go out one night and pretend we don’t know each other and meet again?” So far, has not got back to me…he’s at work, but I am guessing that he looked at the message and didn’t know what to say or just couldn’t be bothered writing back. Either way, it would have been weird, cute and funny in the honeymoon period and now he probably just thinks it weird, three years in.* That kind of annoys me, but not enough for me to write up a follow up message.
I think I just need to get laid…or make a cheese toastie…
*Will report tomorrow his response
Okay, so some things have come up recently. In the last few days, there have been a couple of fevers, lots of alcohol, medication, food (some of it good, some not so good), assignments that I should be doing, lots of youtube, lots of sleep at time and then no sleep for a long time at other times, lots of laughs, loads of tears, a death in my family, some flirting, a bit of driving, a lot of missing my cat, some reading to dull my senses about playboy bunnies, a new doctor that is hilarious and blew my mind, lots of sinus pain, some pondering.
That basically brings you up to speed.
On Saturday, I had another night out with my friend (fuck this, I have to name him) lets call himmmm….Stevie. So I left Clem at home studying while I went to meet Stevie for a quiet drink with another of his mate’s. I don’t love this mate, actually he pissed off my balcony later in the night and I fully cracked it. I mean, I pretty easy going, but don’t be a dick. Anyway so more time with Stevie, doing the ‘friends’ thing. It is actually working. We had a nice conversation in the kitchen, but I didn’t realise how long we were taking and the idiot mate was pissing off Clem to the extreme. He slept on my couch and I slept with Clem, who I call ‘the rock’ because she doesn’t move and it’s like I am sleeping with a heap of books down one side…which I love!!
Flash forward to a couple of days later and I start talking to shorty, another guy that I have written about before. He is saying it is about time for another dateeee, so I now I have a date for December 1st. Drinks and dinner…I told him that I am partaking in a hippy bet where there are no boys allowed. He bought it and wants me to lose. I ain’t losing…He wants to catch up next week. The challenge will be to put up with him trying to make me crack. Not. Going. To. Happen.
Kind of broke the soft drink rule yesterday and had some ginger ale with a shit load of rum. I needed it. I wish I was a mother fucking pirate
…
I was so productive this morning, I got so many things done that I had been putting off. Fast forward to this evening and I’m a total bitch. Yep, we are there, I don’t know if I need to sleep for 92235939394 hours or be thrown up against a wall in a fit of passion…hmmm maybe both. Either way I am ending the day with a massive Liz Lemon eye roll.
Soooo I’ve traded dick for sugar. Yep that’s what today has entailed…sugar. I’m going to look like Mama June by the end of this month
Fuck my life…still no dick. Still no soft drink. Killin’ it.
No-Men-Bro day 2: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Its only day 2 and I already fucked things up. No, I was not walking and fell on a penis. I was day dreaming and taking screenshots of memes to send to my friend in a month because I am not talking to him. Nek minnit he writes to me asking if we are talking…so I respond and then we are back talking. I can’t believe that I lasted a day *MASSIVE EYE ROLL* Oh well let’s hope he doesn’t pull moves on me through the month, even though we have decided to make our friendship non physical (I will not confirm or deny that I was just singing Olivia Newton-John.) I then played sexy (actually I felt frumpy) taxi driver to another guy that I used to date, who is now my friend. Both dudes have been featured on the blog before Anyway, I dropped him and his friend off at another friend’s house. I hadn’t met the dude that we picked up before. He was tall, a bit of bogan, but seemed like a decent bloke. Since I didn’t have an extra long weekend, I went to work, but told him to call me if he needed a lift and I would pick them up. Flash forward to my friend and I sitting around, eating snacks, drinking wine and watching Netflix. Well we had had a glass of wine, he messaged, I said we would come and get them. The guys were wasted so we went out to our local that’s open until 4am. We got kicked out of there at closing time and ended up back at my party palace. More drinks and shit talking prevailed. My friend is absolutely gorgeous so naturally my friend’s friend wanted a piece. Because she is so lovely, I didn’t know if she was keen or not. Got to about 5.30am and they left. My friend and I didn’t hook up. Sex: 0. Me:1!!! YAY!!! Didn’t even kiss him on the cheek… BOOM BOOM. I am killing it. (Shhhhhh, I know it’s day 2, technically, fuck you, it’s day 3.) Finally I could ask her what she thought about him or if she was just being nice. She usually says no straight away. She didn’t. My imagination goes straight to me being her maid of honour and I look good, my friend is his best man and we scoff that it was all because of us that they found true love. Anyway they look good together, I won’t even lie. *Pats self on back, friend reads this post and is instantly turned off :(* Sleep for a bit, win money on Melbourne Cup, have breakfast with hipsters at 4pm down Chapel Street, drop friend off, see other friend for more coffee, am shaking/might vomit/or heart might stop from too much caffeine in such a short time. Go home, still buzzing, clean house. Then I do something that I never do unless I am getting taken to pound town, which is shave my legs, exfoliate, moisturise, wash and dry hair. Basically take the time out to make myself feel like a real person that is silky smooth. Maybe there is something to this No-Men-Bro.
Please note: When I was driving, I fully drooled over a beautiful specimen walking at the lights. Forgot that he could see my eyes because I was wearing glasses not sunglasses. I turned into a full creep. I would have climbed him like a tree…its only day fucking 3.
Also: didn’t drink soft drink while drinking. Killing it.
As it is the 1st November and the guys are getting their Moe’s tavern on, I have decided that I am going to give up sex for a month by participating in No-Men-Bro (I just made it up). My friend said I should document it, because I am a dirty freak and this month may actually be quite difficult/hilarious. I had decided last Friday because I am extremely over dramatic that I was not going to talk to the guy that I am in a extremely confusing friendship/fuck buddy/feelings filled whatever with, so that should make this easier. Maybe. So here we are Day 1. Sex 0. Contact with men 0,except by text. May have napped with my cat for most of the afternoon, but it is Sunday, so don’t judge me.This month’s mantra is “Do you, boo.” Which is what my friend constantly says to me. So yes, this month will be a self indulgent month to focus on important hippy things, like mind, body and soul, (also giving up all soft drink). Of course the honesty system does apply. But I am just assuming that Netflix will help, please god. So let’s see if it is like the episode of Seinfeld where George and Elaine both don’t have sex and George becomes really smart and Elaine becomes extremely dumb. I really hope that I’m George.
Feel free to comment and tell me if there is anything that you have/would/could give up for a month…
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