This guy mos def lifts bro…

I have written about lovable hair pulling shorty, now I will tell you about the other Lebanese Australian man that I have dated, who is pretty much, the complete opposite of him. He was 6’4 and 103 kg’s, lets call him Unit, cause that’s what he was. I dated him years ago. I was intrigued by this guy. He was massive. We met on a dating website. we chatted for a bit and he seemed like a really nice guy. His pics weren’t anything special, amazing body, wasn’t too sure about his face, but I can get past that because he was nice. Reading that back, I sound like a shallow bitch, but that isn’t the case. When it comes to internet dating, after a while you do come with a side of skepticism. Anyway, he asked me out and wanted to spend Valentine’s Day with me. As far as I’m concerned that’s a pretty big no no, so I graciously declined and suggested another day. Why would I want to go out on a first date on Valentine’s day? My idea of Valentine’s day is watching seriously depressing movies like Blue Valentine and Revolutionary Road with pizza and red wine. I am not even being over dramatic, which is a change. I really do love those movies. The start being so promising and then life and it’s shittyness fucking things up for a couple where their relationship changes over many years. That isn’t me being a depressing psycho, that’s change and if a couple changes together or separately and then they fall apart. I am getting off topic, so we scheduled coffee in the morning a few days later.

The conversation before we had meet was pretty bland. He was a gentleman. Nothing sexual (eg. no dick pics) no dirty comments, nothing. I wore a really pretty pink floral dress and I felt vibrant and confident (okay, the confident part is a stretch, but I felt like I looked cute, still wanted to vomit though.) We actually pulled up at the cafe at the same time. This guy was fucking massive. I felt tiny beside him. It was hot. I felt like he was Shaq and I was his tiny wife.

The Pencils Of Promise 2011 Charity Gala


He gave me a kiss on the mouth, which for me is another turn on, it catches me off guard and I like the confidence it shows on their end. He pulled out my seat and we ordered coffees. So far, so good. He was lovely. We had heaps to talk about, actually we didn’t shut up. He came from a massive family and he told me all about them. He seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and asked a lot of questions about me as well, (this can also be rare.) He had a cheeky smile and we had heaps of chemistry. I really liked the guy. He paid for our drinks, also a nice touch. He suggested that we watch a movie. I was excited, maybe we would make out in the cinema, that could be cool, old school, but I’ll give it a crack. He discussed that we would take both of our cars and that I would follow him because we were over in his hood. That is fine with me, still had not thought anything strange was happening. We started driving. I do have a rough idea of the area since a couple of my friends live over that way and this isn’t the way I would go to the movies, it’s actually in the other direction, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We drove for another 10 minutes and I was still hopeful that we weren’t in fact driving back to his house…which we were. I was in two minds, most of me was saying, well that was cheeky. Where as the other part was saying, well played.

We walked inside, said hi to his housemate and he showed me around. He had like a separate area of the house, which had a kitchen, bathroom, etc, but was still connected. I don’t know why it was like that, but still not that weird. The weird part was when we got into his little section, there were mirrors all over the walls. Yep. Mirrors. He was renting, so he said that he hadn’t put them up, but who knows. The thing I was most upset about was that he didn’t even put a movie on!!!!!!!!!! Now that upset me. Not enough though, because we started making out on the couch. Unit was all over me and it was hot. So hot that we moved things into the bedroom, where there was more mirrors, I might add. So we both got to put on shows for not only each other but could fully work on our sexy faces and moves while looking in the mirror. That definitely enhanced the experience as well as the fact that I was fucking a giant. We hung out for a bit but I was getting restless and wanted to bail and go and see what my friends were up to. Little did they know that the date went down better than my delicious latte.

I booty called him a few weeks later and we hooked up again, but after that the novelty wore off. I have now ticked both the giant and the mirrored walls off my sexual bucket list. I will never fall for the movie trick again though, I want movie details, not directions to your house!!!


No-Men-Bro: Day 2 & 3

No-Men-Bro day 2: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Its only day 2 and I already fucked things up. No, I was not walking and fell on a penis. I was day dreaming and taking screenshots of memes to send to my friend in a month because I am not talking to him. Nek minnit he writes to me asking if we are talking…so I respond and then we are back talking. I can’t believe that I lasted a day *MASSIVE EYE ROLL* Oh well let’s hope he doesn’t pull moves on me through the month, even though we have decided to make our friendship non physical (I will not confirm or deny that I was just singing Olivia Newton-John.) I then played sexy (actually I felt frumpy) taxi driver to another guy that I used to date, who is now my friend. Both dudes have been featured on the blog before :/ Anyway, I dropped him and his friend off at another friend’s house. I hadn’t met the dude that we picked up before. He was tall, a bit of bogan, but seemed like a decent bloke. Since I didn’t have an extra long weekend, I went to work, but told him to call me if he needed a lift and I would pick them up. Flash forward to my friend and I sitting around, eating snacks, drinking wine and watching Netflix. Well we had had a glass of wine, he messaged, I said we would come and get them. The guys were wasted so we went out to our local that’s open until 4am. We got kicked out of there at closing time and ended up back at my party palace. More drinks and shit talking prevailed. My friend is absolutely gorgeous so naturally my friend’s friend wanted a piece. Because she is so lovely, I didn’t know if she was keen or not. Got to about 5.30am and they left. My friend and I didn’t hook up. Sex: 0. Me:1!!! YAY!!! Didn’t even kiss him on the cheek… BOOM BOOM. I am killing it. (Shhhhhh, I know it’s day 2, technically, fuck you, it’s day 3.) Finally I could ask her what she thought about him or if she was just being nice. She usually says no straight away. She didn’t. My imagination goes straight to me being her maid of honour and I look good, my friend is his best man and we scoff that it was all because of us that they found true love. Anyway they look good together, I won’t even lie. *Pats self on back, friend reads this post and is instantly turned off :(* Sleep for a bit, win money on Melbourne Cup, have breakfast with hipsters at 4pm down Chapel Street, drop friend off, see other friend for more coffee, am shaking/might vomit/or heart might stop from too much caffeine in such a short time. Go home, still buzzing, clean house. Then I do something that I never do unless I am getting taken to pound town, which is shave my legs, exfoliate, moisturise, wash and dry hair. Basically take the time out to make myself feel like a real person that is silky smooth. Maybe there is something to this No-Men-Bro.

Please note: When I was driving, I fully drooled over a beautiful specimen walking at the lights. Forgot that he could see my eyes because I was wearing glasses not sunglasses. I turned into a full creep. I would have climbed him like a tree…its only day fucking 3.

Also: didn’t drink soft drink while drinking. Killing it.

Go nuts for donuts

As a night owl, I know all of the best places in Melbourne to eat and drink. The dark and dingy places you can drink coffee and eat late into the night. But lately, I have been encouraging my friend that joins me on our midnight runs to eat more donuts than she would like to.

So, last week, I was laying in bed, sick and not wanting to face the world, but I made an exception to go out and get amongst it, plus a girl has to eat. I met my friend, we had the usual banter back and forth and discussed that I was most definitely the man in our lesbian relationship that evening. We joke about this, as we spend so much time together, we wonder if people question our sexuality. I hate when I have to be the dude, after all she is the one that can sport a decent mo, thanks to her Mediterranean background. Anyway, I coped it that I was the dude, wearing a charcoal $2 jumper from last season at Kmart. My hair was crazy and oily and my make up had not been applied. As it was late in the evening, I had hoped that I would not run into anyone, while I was rocking the chic homeless look. We decided to go for a drive to one of the more hip areas where people might think I am a vegan lesbian and I would not only fit in, people would give me high five’s when I was walking down the street, as they would be vegan bi-sexual hipsters and would assume that I was one of their own. My friend is gorgeous, now I know that most people think their close friends are good looking, but she really is. She has thick dark hair and beautiful skin, with the most incredible eyebrows most people have ever seen. She is mysterious in the way that she is quiet but friendly and asks a lot of questions, but she doesn’t disclose a lot about herself. Also she has a real innocence about her. We are the absolute opposite. I am blonde, have no eyebrows (which annoys her), curvy, I have a black girl’s booty and big boobs. I also have a sparkle in my eyes that has been described as “that one, is proper naughty” by a red head, with a cockney accent that could have been an extra in Oliver, Even though, I didn’t say anything, it’s all in the eyes 😉 While we refer to her as Mattel,  a Barbie doll with no female bits. Polar opposites.

So we went for our midnight snack and coffee at a doughnut shop that we used to frequent, when we craved something extra sweet. My friend was wearing her trusty babyphat puffer jacket with her furry hood on. We approached the counter and I smiled at the guy that was working. He was smiling at me, giggling back and said that he could remember me coming in another time. I could only remember the other guy, who looked like he had just got out of prison and would stare at my chest while we ordered and paid. This guy was different though, he was innocent. He told me that my smile was infectious and he had never seen anything like it. So I nervously giggled as my friend was muttering bitterly into her hood about how annoying I am. He didn’t listen to her and ignored her order, while he kept on looking at me smiling and saying that I would melt other people’s problems away with my positivity. I said that I would have what my friend was having and we continued smiling at each other. My friend asked about what she should buy, he recommended a few and then we waited while our coffee was getting made. His friend came in and he made her some fresh donuts and said that it wouldn’t take long. After she had left, my friend asked if we could get some fresh ones but then he ignored her and continued to smile at me. He then handed us our coffees and said he would cook me fresh ones as well as the one that she had picked. He then gave us a bunch of free donuts and I exclaimed that he would make us fat. I was completely taking the piss as I am already chubby, but he insisted that I could not get fat as my smile would melt the calories away. It sounds lame, but it came across nice and not cheesy at all, also I was thinking if I can pull when I rolled out of bed, there is no stopping what I am capable of. We giggled and went to the next door to get potato cakes and waved at him when we went to the car. My friend made fun of me all of the way home. When I got more compliments after we went out for drinks later in the week, she got more cut.

The following week, there was a lot of self hate from the food run, my friend has been complaining that she is putting on extra weight and hadn’t lost the weight from our last lot of donuts. I assure her that she is gorgeous, which she is. I can’t tell that she has put on weight and wouldn’t lie if I thought she had, but after we went out for dinner, I insisted that we needed to go back to the doughnut shop. My ego needed that extra padding and I was now hooked from the compliments from last time. He did a double take when he saw me, as this time, my hair and make up was applied and I looked a lot better this week. We actually looked like a power lesbian couple from the L-word this week. Okay, that might be an exaggeration but that is how much I do not like being referred as the butch partner. Anyway, he provided exactly when I needed and proceeded to giggle and tell me how I am the only person he has seen with such a sweet attitude, as my friend admired the doughnuts and rolled her eyes. He then told me how I am like a Barbie doll with a smile painted on and if I had a string that would make me talk it would be of me laughing. He was busier but he ignored my friend while he flirted with me. Of course he only charged us for the coffee and then made sure he gave me the best doughnut.

I know it’s highly indulgent, but it’s nice when a stranger gushes over you. Pity our diet starts today. I guess we can always go in for a long black…