I’m officially a bad person

You would think I would be out of stories by now. That is not the case…at all. I think it was last year, I met this guy on good ol’ Tinder. He was half Mauritian, half Aussie. Nice chocolate skin. Majority of pics were good. He had buff arms, looked like he dressed well, one pic was of chop sticks as seal tusks (okay, I can look past that, as I love a good face in the hole.) Anyway, I liked what I saw. He would write me essays, so that is what my girlfriends and I called him.

Essay decided to take me out for breakfast at a trendy Cafe on a weekday. I was running late and he got there early so he could get the perfect seat next to the window. I was so late, therefore flustered and off my A game. But, he was lovely. He was wearing a nice shirt and had gone to a lot of effort. He was fascinating. He had just moved back from New York after spending a year there for work, he was living with his parents because he was waiting for the tenants in his place to move out, was planning on buying a holiday house, had also spent time in Antarctica, liked watching the footy and rock climbing. Basically he was kicking the shit out of life, even told me about meeting Ryan Gosling and him being the nicest guy, even though he had no idea who he was. As we were talking, there was something off about him, but I couldn’t place it. He excused himself and went to the bathroom but I didn’t realise that he had paid for breakfast on the way back. Nice touch, I thought. I thought the date would be over but took me to another cafe for more coffee and cake and then we went for a walk. I knew I wasn’t that keen, but I thought, fuck it, give this guy a chance. He held my hand when we walked (gross) that sounds so mean, but I barely know you. What about if I saw someone I knew? What would I say? Anyway, we held hands. He took me to a park and we made out. He was fully into it, I was racking my brain as to what was bothering me about him. It was like the middle of the day on a Monday, that’s how inappropriate I feel this make out session was. Totally not my scene, but I obliged*. He walked me back to my shitty car and we called it a day.

Okay, so we are half way through this story. I know I am completely fucked up. Girls would kill for this put together dude. Nice, stable, easy going, up for anything, smart, etc. Think of the Sex and the City Episode, where Carrie says that she was trying a guy on to see if he fit, not really your taste but you will give it a go. A nice, vanilla life.Β Mos def not my cup of tea.Β 

So we kept on speaking and he wanted to surprise me at home one morning by bringing me pastries for breakfast. This guy was good. I had to see if this was going to go anywhere even though I clearly wasn’t feeling it. I had also realised why I wasn’t into it. Some of his facial expressions reminded me of a guy I went to school with. I know what you are thinking, no big deal, now you are just nit picking. Actual the guy that he reminded me of was autistic, (not that there is anything wrong with that.) But I could not be with a guy that reminded me of a guy I went all through school with and had a lot of really strange memories of. I can’t blame this guy for that, so I said that he could come over for breakfast. We ended up having more than breakfast, it was a three course breakfast. He was hooked. The breakfast wasn’t bad at all. Wasn’t boring like Al-Bran and he was hoping that I was satisfied like at a Continental Breakfast at a hotel. But I could not get the similarity out of my head. So thanks for the pastries but I guess I am getting back with my ex (my favourite excuse to stop seeing anyone.) He suggested that we could continue seeing each other without my ‘boyfriend’ knowing. I said I didn’t think so. A few months later when I went back on Tinder, I received more messages asking if I was single and wanted to hook up. I felt like he thought I was Mia Khalifa, everybody’s favourite porn star or maybe I just wish that.

*I feel like ‘IΒ obliged’Β would be the name of my autobiography. Not just in relation to sex but in regards to my whole life.

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No-Men-Bro: Day 2 & 3

No-Men-Bro day 2: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Its only day 2 and I already fucked things up. No, I was not walking and fell on a penis. I was day dreaming and taking screenshots of memes to send to my friend in a month because I am not talking to him. Nek minnit he writes to me asking if we are talking…so I respond and then we are back talking. I can’t believe that I lasted a day *MASSIVE EYE ROLL* Oh well let’s hope he doesn’t pull moves on me through the month, even though we have decided to make our friendship non physical (I will not confirm or deny that I was just singing Olivia Newton-John.) I then played sexy (actually I felt frumpy) taxi driver to another guy that I used to date, who is now my friend. Both dudes have been featured on the blog before :/ Anyway, I dropped him and his friend off at another friend’s house. I hadn’t met the dude that we picked up before. He was tall, a bit of bogan, but seemed like a decent bloke. Since I didn’t have an extra long weekend, I went to work, but told him to call me if he needed a lift and I would pick them up. Flash forward to my friend and I sitting around, eating snacks, drinking wine and watching Netflix. Well we had had a glass of wine, he messaged, I said we would come and get them. The guys were wasted so we went out to our local that’s open until 4am. We got kicked out of there at closing time and ended up back at my party palace. More drinks and shit talking prevailed. My friend is absolutely gorgeous so naturally my friend’s friend wanted a piece. Because she is so lovely, I didn’t know if she was keen or not. Got to about 5.30am and they left. My friend and I didn’t hook up. Sex: 0. Me:1!!! YAY!!! Didn’t even kiss him on the cheek… BOOM BOOM. I am killing it. (Shhhhhh, I know it’s day 2, technically, fuck you, it’s day 3.) Finally I could ask her what she thought about him or if she was just being nice. She usually says no straight away. She didn’t. My imagination goes straight to me being her maid of honour and I look good, my friend is his best man and we scoff that it was all because of us that they found true love. Anyway they look good together, I won’t even lie. *Pats self on back, friend reads this post and is instantly turned off :(* Sleep for a bit, win money on Melbourne Cup, have breakfast with hipsters at 4pm down Chapel Street, drop friend off, see other friend for more coffee, am shaking/might vomit/or heart might stop from too much caffeine in such a short time. Go home, still buzzing, clean house. Then I do something that I never do unless I am getting taken to pound town, which is shave my legs, exfoliate, moisturise, wash and dry hair. Basically take the time out to make myself feel like a real person that is silky smooth. Maybe there is something to this No-Men-Bro.

Please note: When I was driving, I fully drooled over a beautiful specimen walking at the lights. Forgot that he could see my eyes because I was wearing glasses not sunglasses. I turned into a full creep. I would have climbed him like a tree…its only day fucking 3.

Also: didn’t drink soft drink while drinking. Killing it.

Nice guys finish last…in this case anyway :/

A few weeks ago, I took the great journey up to the top deck of the MCG where I joined a crowd of 70,000 people and took my seat in the nosebleed section. As I sat down, I got a shiver and saw a ghost. To the right of me, through the crowd, I spotted my ex boyfriend. He was sitting with a girl and some friends. In my fantasy, the girl is his girlfriend and he is happy. I send him a birthday message every year, for the last two years he has not responded and that is ok, I still send them. Until now, I did not know if he still had the same number that I had. I thought I would see, by sending him a message and then see if he would pull out his phone or look around. He took out his phone and began rubbing his neck, he looked stressed at the message I had sent. So far this was not going as I had planned. After a few minutes of him looking around we finally made eye contact and we nodded at each other. He looked so sad to see me, that my heart broke all over again, for him. I had hoped that he would come over to me and we could have some agonising small talk. Instead we exchanged a few awkward texts with him being polite but clearly not wanting to continue the messages. So we both sat with our friends, both of us probably thinking that our new partners were to our sides (mine was a friend), in a crowd of 70.000 people and I finally thought that this was the end to that chapter.

I had decided to take a marketing subject. I have no idea why, but it happened. The relationship that I was in was self destructing at a rapid rate and I was weeks away from leaving the jerk, who completely fucked me over. So while I was sitting in class concentrating/texting Sarah about the talent in my class, we played icebreakers and I was blown away with a man that was gorgeous. Years later I can describe him as the guy that plays Prince Oberyn in Game of Thrones. There is something about him that is incredibly sexy, with his cheeky smile and dark brown eyes.

The gorgeous Pedro Pascal...identical to my ex bf :(

The gorgeous Pedro Pascal…identical to my ex bf 😦

As my life was collapsing around me, I missed a couple of my marketing class and then the next time, got caught in the rain and looked like a drowned rat, things were not going my way. I entered the class and got placed in a group with the hottie from a few weeks previously. I giggled and text Sarah, to talk about my good fortune even though I looked terrible. We realised that we had a lot in common and he made me laugh. I tried to play the role of the smart and funny girl, so I impressed him with my knowledge of where he was from and my dry sense of humour. By the end of the class we had to write down everyone’s phone numbers. I was definitely going to attend the next week’s class. He would walk me to my next class and it was a lovely distraction from the pain I was going through. The next week after he walked me to my next class, I finally got up the courage to text him to be quiet, that I could hear him talking very loudly outside my classroom. That was when the texts started. At that stage, I had left my boyfriend and was living with my brother. I needed this. I needed to feel like I had something to offer someone else. I needed to feel worthy of someone else. This guy was gorgeous, our first date was a midnight walk on the beach. He would bring me flowers, we would laugh, we had a really strong connection and all of it scared the hell out of me. I would tell him that I didn’t want a boyfriend, but over the course of our whatever it was, I have never had someone love me more. He would call me his soul mate and strive to give me everything I wanted. At the start of our courtship he made out that I would never meet his brother, but soon enough, I was there constantly with all of them doting on me πŸ™‚ He had an intensity for life and me that scared me. I knew that he really loved me and I loved him. But I was so badly bruised from my previous relationship, that I never gave him all of me. The different backgrounds that we came from were too much for me to overcome because even though he assured me we would work it out, I was broken from before. I couldn’t trust him to make it right and fight for me, after I had previously been kicked down over and over again. So after two years of being in whatever we were in, I let him go. In the worst possible fashion that I could have. I was a complete idiot to do what I did to him and regret it to this day. For my birthday, months later, he wrote me the most beautiful message, I still cry at the thought of the kind words that he still had for me. I did love him and if I had met him before my previous boyfriend, I believe that I would have married him. But that isn’t what happened and I wanted to write this, as our chapter is now closed and wanted to tell him, I am so sorry.

Seedy lines and sticky bar floors

As we all get excited about another weekend approaching, my thoughts turn to “banging tunes and DJ sets and dirty dance floors and dreams of naughtiness”. The appeal of going out never used to really excite me… that was until this year. I don’t know what has happened, but something is bouncing off me and I’m not sure what it is. People say dirty, seedy lines to me and it’s a first, it’s also pretty gross and definitely hilarious. In one week, I was approached by three different gentlemen with the following lines:

1) A wiry blonde skater that has no trouble getting pretty ladies, they frequent the bar he works at, praying that he will lavish an evening of sensual delights on them. We have known each other for a while and harmlessly flirt but one day things escalated quickly when he said to me “come home with me, I want to reverse wheelbarrow you.” I wouldn’t be surprised if my face burst into flames from the blushing of my cheeks, while I quickly backed into another room to hide. I don’t even know what it means. I’ve discussed it with a lot of people just because I’m trying to work it out. I guess he holds my legs, but which way does my body face to make it reversed? So many questions, so much confusion, so much embarrassment.

2) The skaters housemate, who is exactly my type, tall, dark features, so you would think I would be interested. However, he is a form of man, that I have trouble being around. He is a stickler. He is a know it all. He was laying on my couch later that night, when he gave my girlfriend and I a wink and said that he was “there for the taking” until he passed out and we ended up putting make up on him and bright purple nail polish on his most beautiful toes. Which I am sure was much more fun than the awkward threesome that he had in mind.

3) Last but not least, a guy I have known for years, he is overtly sexual, which makes me cringe, was a Virgin until recently and thinks that I’m extremely promiscuous because I’ve slept with a person in the last decade. I actually felt myself vomit a little bit in my mouth when I read the next line on my Facebook message “hmm I know a point attached to me that wouldn’t mind drinking you”. Again, the embarrassment and the confusion was overwhelming.

I can understand when guys say these lines and there is no one else around. I can even understand if they use these lines on 10 women in the hope that at least 1 of them might, in fact, say yes. But the funny lines are the ones said in front of other guys. I was slightly, okay, very intoxicated in the city with a good friend of mine. He is old school and knows I’m poor, so he was being the ultimate gentleman and took me out for drinks. I went to the bar to get the next round and slurred the order, so already I was worried that the bartender wouldn’t serve me and then he hit on me saying that he preferred another kind of rum saying it was more vanilla like him and gave me a wink. I was baffled, is that even a line? He knew I was already with a guy as it was the third time we had lined up, once ordering together. I walked away with the drinks shaking my head. After that bar closed we ended up at the Casino, I’m pretty sure that’s what normal people do on a Tuesday night, right? At the casino we played roulette, to be more accurate, he played roulette. I stole his chips, because I felt bad that he had already spent so much money looking after me. Another guy joined the table and ignored my friend, even though he did not know if we were together or not. The most obvious line being “you can’t be hot all the time.” I laughed and blushed as I tried to coax him into giving me $100 chip, after all I was white girl wasted and did want to contribute to my friends fun times with Bridie tab, that I hadn’t invested a cent in. Unfortunately, he didn’t fall for it and walked away. My friend and I were amused that he didn’t look at him and would only acknowledge him while he was speaking to me. The whole thing was bizarre, so we also walked away to find more booze.

So it seems that books on how to attract men and basic evolution are right, guys love the thrill of the chase. So when I am standing on the dance floor, gazing at a gentleman for a second too long through my gin goggles…I’ll remember to smile, look away and keep that mystique. After all, if they do have the balls to come up and approach me, I love a good line…

*the song that is quoted is Arctic Monkeys – I bet that you look good on the dance floor