A few days ago, I saw Shorty. Enough said. Actually it was one of the funniest things I have ever experienced. He accidentally did a back flip off the bed, the cat wouldn’t stop licking him and my housemate was pacing up and down the entire time. Sure it wasn’t the stuff of true romance but I do enjoy a good belly laugh.


Join me next year, because I can pretty much guarantee that I will still be single and I will try again to have a month without sex…


Go nuts for donuts

As a night owl, I know all of the best places in Melbourne to eat and drink. The dark and dingy places you can drink coffee and eat late into the night. But lately, I have been encouraging my friend that joins me on our midnight runs to eat more donuts than she would like to.

So, last week, I was laying in bed, sick and not wanting to face the world, but I made an exception to go out and get amongst it, plus a girl has to eat. I met my friend, we had the usual banter back and forth and discussed that I was most definitely the man in our lesbian relationship that evening. We joke about this, as we spend so much time together, we wonder if people question our sexuality. I hate when I have to be the dude, after all she is the one that can sport a decent mo, thanks to her Mediterranean background. Anyway, I coped it that I was the dude, wearing a charcoal $2 jumper from last season at Kmart. My hair was crazy and oily and my make up had not been applied. As it was late in the evening, I had hoped that I would not run into anyone, while I was rocking the chic homeless look. We decided to go for a drive to one of the more hip areas where people might think I am a vegan lesbian and I would not only fit in, people would give me high five’s when I was walking down the street, as they would be vegan bi-sexual hipsters and would assume that I was one of their own. My friend is gorgeous, now I know that most people think their close friends are good looking, but she really is. She has thick dark hair and beautiful skin, with the most incredible eyebrows most people have ever seen. She is mysterious in the way that she is quiet but friendly and asks a lot of questions, but she doesn’t disclose a lot about herself. Also she has a real innocence about her. We are the absolute opposite. I am blonde, have no eyebrows (which annoys her), curvy, I have a black girl’s booty and big boobs. I also have a sparkle in my eyes that has been described as “that one, is proper naughty” by a red head, with a cockney accent that could have been an extra in Oliver, Even though, I didn’t say anything, it’s all in the eyes 😉 While we refer to her as Mattel,  a Barbie doll with no female bits. Polar opposites.

So we went for our midnight snack and coffee at a doughnut shop that we used to frequent, when we craved something extra sweet. My friend was wearing her trusty babyphat puffer jacket with her furry hood on. We approached the counter and I smiled at the guy that was working. He was smiling at me, giggling back and said that he could remember me coming in another time. I could only remember the other guy, who looked like he had just got out of prison and would stare at my chest while we ordered and paid. This guy was different though, he was innocent. He told me that my smile was infectious and he had never seen anything like it. So I nervously giggled as my friend was muttering bitterly into her hood about how annoying I am. He didn’t listen to her and ignored her order, while he kept on looking at me smiling and saying that I would melt other people’s problems away with my positivity. I said that I would have what my friend was having and we continued smiling at each other. My friend asked about what she should buy, he recommended a few and then we waited while our coffee was getting made. His friend came in and he made her some fresh donuts and said that it wouldn’t take long. After she had left, my friend asked if we could get some fresh ones but then he ignored her and continued to smile at me. He then handed us our coffees and said he would cook me fresh ones as well as the one that she had picked. He then gave us a bunch of free donuts and I exclaimed that he would make us fat. I was completely taking the piss as I am already chubby, but he insisted that I could not get fat as my smile would melt the calories away. It sounds lame, but it came across nice and not cheesy at all, also I was thinking if I can pull when I rolled out of bed, there is no stopping what I am capable of. We giggled and went to the next door to get potato cakes and waved at him when we went to the car. My friend made fun of me all of the way home. When I got more compliments after we went out for drinks later in the week, she got more cut.

The following week, there was a lot of self hate from the food run, my friend has been complaining that she is putting on extra weight and hadn’t lost the weight from our last lot of donuts. I assure her that she is gorgeous, which she is. I can’t tell that she has put on weight and wouldn’t lie if I thought she had, but after we went out for dinner, I insisted that we needed to go back to the doughnut shop. My ego needed that extra padding and I was now hooked from the compliments from last time. He did a double take when he saw me, as this time, my hair and make up was applied and I looked a lot better this week. We actually looked like a power lesbian couple from the L-word this week. Okay, that might be an exaggeration but that is how much I do not like being referred as the butch partner. Anyway, he provided exactly when I needed and proceeded to giggle and tell me how I am the only person he has seen with such a sweet attitude, as my friend admired the doughnuts and rolled her eyes. He then told me how I am like a Barbie doll with a smile painted on and if I had a string that would make me talk it would be of me laughing. He was busier but he ignored my friend while he flirted with me. Of course he only charged us for the coffee and then made sure he gave me the best doughnut.

I know it’s highly indulgent, but it’s nice when a stranger gushes over you. Pity our diet starts today. I guess we can always go in for a long black…