Seinfeld, Milk & Mars Bars

I am sitting in bed at 6.23am on a Saturday morning, tears are flowing and I am sad that something has just come to an end after nearly a year of whatever it was. I think its over. This time it feels over. Surely its over. This story is not going to be all dark and depressing though, its going to be about my first date with this very special guy. Sure he might have had a job that I really didn’t buy at the start and later he did confess that my suspicions were true as to why he always had cash on him and two phones. He would go back and forth from his ex and call me when they were having another break here and there. Sure there might have been a wooden dildo from Bali pulled out with me, shying away from it and hoping he just pulled it out for a laugh. Sure I would bring over milk and mars bars and we would become kids and eat in his bed, that I would call the cloud, because all of your troubles would float away. Disclaimer: the wooden dildo, never came near me. But our connection was amazing. I would get lost in his dark brown eyes and laugh at his jokes. Things should have ended the first time when he disappeared for a week and then after I confronted him, told me about the love of his life. I was hurt. I sent him Seinfeld quotes of George getting broken up with someone and using the whole “it’s not you, it’s me.” This made me feel better but I wont lie, I was sad. When he messaged me a few weeks after that, I ran back and that has been the same pattern for the last year. He would message me, we would chat, we would watch movies and Seinfeld,  we would “hang out,” it would end. 1 month, the longest was two months, rinse and repeat. Same old, same old.

I’m not in love with him. But I am extremely fond of him and we just get each other. We love the same TV shows, have amazing back and forth, confide in each other and the main reason as to why I run back, is his ability to treat me like a goddess. This guy has got mad skills that drive me insane with desire. So over the last year we have been on a journey going nowhere but most definitely enjoying the ride! So we go from the worst date of my life, to one of the best 🙂

As I checked my online dating profile, I came across a profile that was hilarious. He quoted the Simpsons in it, looked super cute in his profile pic and just seemed like the coolest guy that I wanted to get to know. This feeling doesn’t happen much, so I knew that I should go with my head and start talking to this cutie. We spoke for a few days, he was incredibly sensitive, as I confided in him that my grandmother had just passed away and I was in an interesting head space. He was super lovely and it turns out that we had heaps in common. We would play stupid games and he would answer all of my questions. After a week we had decided that we would go out for drinks. I was flawed by the fact that he brought up money though and planned that we would go round for round. Don’t get me wrong, I do not expect anything from anyone. But I hate talking about money. I thought this was weird but I still wanted to go out with him.  As I had had a big weekend, I asked if we could do dinner instead. Before we were going to do that though, we were going to add each other on Facebook. This scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want him to see photos of me blind, laughing with my make up running down my face, or my arms out thinking I look like Victoria Beckham when I look like Kirstie Alley and I am not talking about her in Cheers. Against all of my reservations, I added him. The funny thing was we had many mutual friends and he knew good friends of mine quite well. We found it hilarious and I think that he was comforted by this fact. I figured that if we had nothing to talk about, I could at least bring this up. We would talk late into the night and exchanged numbers. He called me and we chatted, I was so nervous but his voice calmed me and he was so easy to talk to. I was excited to get to know him and it subsided my feelings for another unavailable gentleman. He had decided where he was going to take me, as it had excellent vegetarian options, sooooo sweet. 

I was on holidays and ended up seeing my friend – the unavailable gentleman. I got ready for the date and ended up dropping my friend/lover home. The car ride was incredible. He kept on asking details about the upcoming date and I blushed and avoided the questions. As we were friends, there should not be a problem in discussing other people. As he described the girl that he was currently dating, it seemed that everything he mentioned was the opposite of me. I was crushed, how was I going to spring back from this and be my best self on this first date? I cried the entire hour it took, from dropping off my ‘friend’ to where our date would take place. One of my greatest anxieties that I face is going to place, looking around and getting stood up. As I found a park and fixed my make up, I looked over the road and recognised my date. This made me feel much better as we could walk there together. He approached my car and kissed me on the lips. Ohhh wow! This guy was super confident and the kiss took me aback. We nervously strolled to the restaurant together. I was super excited and felt at ease with this tall gentleman that walked beside me with so much swag and a kind heart. I was extremely intrigued. We reached the restaurant and he bought us drinks. I was uncomfortable while he purchased the first round of drinks. The first glass of red went down without a hitch and the conversation was flawless. We ordered dinner and I was so nervous with the whole paying thing yet again. Although the money thing was always in the back of my mind, the realisation that we had so many things in common was lovely. This first date was getting hit out of the park. We ate a delicious dinner and then had more drinks, for which he yet again paid for. I had butterflies full of nervous energy and was not sure if he was enjoying himself as much as I was. We ended up leaving after a few hours.

On the walk to our cars, we ran into a girl friend of his, which he introduced me to. He was super polite and the three of us spoke for a while. After she left, he said something which at first, made me blush like a crazy woman. I am so glad that I got to pay for your dinner when I ordered everything. One of the last dates that I had been on, I paid for her meal and she ended up yelling at me saying ‘don’t you think that I can pay for my own meal?’ His face looked absolutely tortured from that experience and that is why he had brought up the subject of money before the date itself. The poor guy. What a mean woman, she could have gone about that situation in a hundred different ways, but she chose to yell at him? That made me like him more. What a kind guy. When we reached my car, we had a perfect kiss to the end of a perfect date..

Over the next few weeks, we would see each other about every three days. He was funny, we liked all of the same things and our chemistry was electric. We started getting intimate and while I type blushing furiously, I can tell you, just you 😉 that nobody has ever made me feel the way that this certain gentleman has made me feel, I was and maybe am still addicted to his moves. I would fully commit to being Yoko and him being John Lennon and never leave his room again…that’s how addicted I am.

When I think back to my dating history, I have had two major relationships in my life. One I look back on fondly, the thought of him makes me smile and I wish nothing but happiness for him. The other I look back on less favourably and consider that I dodged a bullet by us no longer being together. I like being able to look back at the first and feel like that. I was excited to write about this story because this is another guy that makes me smile like a Cheshire Cat. I like thinking about him, talking about him, talking to him and think he is awesome. I like that feeling 🙂

I hope all of the relationships that follow make me feel that way, even if they end. Like this one just did, in the early hours of the morning, with kind words, a dirty phone call, some tears, but no bad feelings.

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Tall, dark and handsome? Part 2

Okay okay okay…So I know that it has taken me a hell of a long time to put my fingertips to keyboard and for that I apologise. So here is the final installment of tall, dark and handsome?

As I walked from my apartment to the street, it felt like it was from a jail cell to the electric chair. The constant stream of questions running through my head, how will it go? Will he like me? The usual questions that run through people’s heads before a blind date. I saw a white Jeep approaching.  I took a deep breath and approached the car. I opened the door and was waiting for a smile to greet me. It didn’t. I got in the car and we spoke nervously, so far not attracted to him. As he drove, I began to get nervous as he kept one eye, looking me up and down judgmentally and one eye on the road. This is going to be a problem. He grunted at me. What the hell, was I doing?!!?!?!?! As this was my first blind date, I forced a smile, so I would eventually feel like what I was projecting. He was taking me to Crown, of course he was going to go through valet parking, if I was meant to be impressed, I wasn’t. We jumped out of the car and I realised that he needed a ladder to get out of it. He definitely knew how to take a photo in which he looks taller. We finally saw each other standing up, I know that he wasn’t impressed but the feeling was definitely mutual. I love a pair of warm brown eyes, his judgmental eyes did not line up, as in one eye was looking at the ground and one eye was looking at the sky. This took me by surprise, while looking at him straight on. My smile muscles have never hurt more. When we walked through the casino, he grunted at me if I would like to eat anything and we continued basically looking like small children running through the casino, with him walking at least 2 steps in front of me.

We arrived at the cinema and Gold Class was full. We had not thought this through, okay, let me revise that, I had not thought this through. In hindsight, I don’t think that he was worried about the movie we were going to watch. He asked if I would like to see ‘Red Dawn’ as an avid movie goer, I was unimpressed that I had not even heard of this movie and was less keen to see it, but that was the only thing on, so he asked for two tickets to see ‘Red Down’, so I found out that he was also illiterate. We waited outside the cinema, while they cleaned it. We sat down and barely spoke, he continued to look me up and down. I retreated to another world, wondering if I should say I was going to the bathroom and get a taxi home, I will definitely never get picked up for a first date again – always drive so I can escape, I could never do that, leave him sitting there unsure and embarrassed, but loved the thought of it. He bought a bottle of water, did not offer to buy me one or tell me where he was going. This guy was most definitely a jerk. Now I may not be timid in my speech, but I am in my actions. So although, I was not at all interested, I did not want to be rude or hurt his feelings, so I smiled through it all, knowing that I could endure the next few hours and go home. As soon as we walked into the cinema, he put the armrest up and his arm around me. For someone that acted like he despised me, this was unexpected. Okay, so my brain failed. This guy was a jerk and I was cuddling up to him. I thought he might be nervous, after all the last few weeks, he had been the perfect gentlemen. We kissed, his breath was terrible, I opened my eyes while we were kissing and his crooked eyes freaked me out, so I quickly closed them again. So we continued to make out. Even as I am writing this, I cringe. He was far more interested in getting further and further, so his hands went down my top and as he grabbed and prodded me. His rough hands pushing through my layers to get through to my soft breasts. The movie was terrible. And every 5 minutes, he would whisper in my ear “lets go back to your place”. To which I would say “No.” He kept on trying to get down my jeans and every time I would grab his hand to hold it instead, he would get mad and throw my hand down and try again. The movie went for sooooo long. I could not look at this guy front on, those cross eyes were definitely a form of karma for trying to violate me. I was so thankful that the date was nearly over, but at the same time, did not know how I was going to get out of the second date if he asked. So we picked up the car, he was quite rude to the super polite valet. On the whole way home he wanted to know if he should pull over so we could hook up in the car. I said “Why? If that was going to happen, wouldn’t we go back to my house?” But I shut it down, that isn’t going to happen. He looked mad and I felt awkward. When we finally approached my house, he turned to me and said “As you have probably guessed, you are not my type.” Excuse me? I was speechless, I laughed in his face and got out of the car. I sent him a message saying “I’m sorry for wasting your time”. But what I really meant was You’re a dick.

Every time I see him on the TV or on the ground with my football team, I laugh. So the date was sooo terrible, but it always reminds me, that if I can get through that and laugh, I can get through anything. After all, its just a few hours.

So the second part of this story is now called Short, Grumpy and cross eyed.