Breaking up blows

ATM, I’m heartbroken. (At the moment Clem, not Ass to Mouth!) It ended fucking horrifically. We were in some bullshit non relationship, that meant we spoke everyday, I would stay at his house a couple of nights a week, etc. Anyway, this is all about my top tips of how to handle a break up, fuck people that say this isn’t as bad of a break up, things ended and we no longer see each other, that’s a break up to me. Sure they might be things that I wish I had done.

  1. Save whatever self respect you have and stop messaging them. (I did this, after two days of abusive messages to him. Maybe I did tell him that I poured strawberry Big M over his car and that I was going to ruin his life. Okay that definitely happened. Maybe it backfired because he knows me that well that he knew that I wouldn’t.) As we have tried the whole I’m not coming back this time before, he knew it was over when he brought up facebook and I had said that I had already deleted him. That’s when it really sunk in for him. I don’t even want to write this, but I totally sent him lyrics to a song that we both liked. My advice, don’t do that, it’s lame. Write down your lame thoughts, it will give you something to laugh about when you feel better.
  2. As soon as it happens, watch stand up specials, all day if needed. I did this, it was amazing. I also recommend to watch your favourite romantic comedies like Fatal Attraction and Gone Girl, just to remember how great it feels to be a powerful woman.

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3. Don’t cancel shit to wallow. If you already had plans and work, go. It will get your mind off the shityness you feel. Probably best to avoid talking about it and getting white girl wasted if the night isn’t about you though. You don’t want to feel worse.

4.Allow yourself time to grieve. This is shitty. It fucking sucks. But you know what sucks more? Being with someone when things aren’t working. I’m three weeks in and I’ve got thousands of screenshots to send him of funny things that I have come across but I’m not going to…

5. Get a cat.

6.Eat pizza and then go to the gym. My favourite part about going to the gym once, is the fantasy that comes with it. Next time he sees me I will be in the best shape of my life and he will regret ever fucking me over. However, I will probably be have a stained shirt on with my hair up, glasses on (recently realised that I am more blind than I thought) and look utter ridiculous while he is knee deep in vagina. Probably has 3 girls on his arm and they all laugh when they see me.

7.Talk to other boys.

8. Listen to love songs…Then listen to angry songs…Then listen to Fonsay Beyonce.

9.Delete the messages, phone number, etc. I have not done this, because of my current excellent self control and because I am a digital hoarder. I still have text messages from wrong numbers dated back to 2010. This is mos def going to bite me in the ass *rolls eyes*

10.Do something nice for yourself. And most of all, be kind to yourself.

 

 

I hope this post has provided a laugh about such a shitty time. I really wish that I had done the Big M thing, so if you are still feeling bad…go and egg his house.

To the boy this is about,

If you are checking in, I miss you, even though I shouldn’t. I miss you screwing up my face like Adam Sandler does to that kid in Billy Madison. I miss you putting me in quiet time when I won’t stop talking. And I miss you always being worried about if I am comfortable. But I don’t miss all the bullshit you put me through.

 

Please comment below on what steps I may have missed :p

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seinfeld, Milk & Mars Bars

I am sitting in bed at 6.23am on a Saturday morning, tears are flowing and I am sad that something has just come to an end after nearly a year of whatever it was. I think its over. This time it feels over. Surely its over. This story is not going to be all dark and depressing though, its going to be about my first date with this very special guy. Sure he might have had a job that I really didn’t buy at the start and later he did confess that my suspicions were true as to why he always had cash on him and two phones. He would go back and forth from his ex and call me when they were having another break here and there. Sure there might have been a wooden dildo from Bali pulled out with me, shying away from it and hoping he just pulled it out for a laugh. Sure I would bring over milk and mars bars and we would become kids and eat in his bed, that I would call the cloud, because all of your troubles would float away. Disclaimer: the wooden dildo, never came near me. But our connection was amazing. I would get lost in his dark brown eyes and laugh at his jokes. Things should have ended the first time when he disappeared for a week and then after I confronted him, told me about the love of his life. I was hurt. I sent him Seinfeld quotes of George getting broken up with someone and using the whole “it’s not you, it’s me.” This made me feel better but I wont lie, I was sad. When he messaged me a few weeks after that, I ran back and that has been the same pattern for the last year. He would message me, we would chat, we would watch movies and Seinfeld,  we would “hang out,” it would end. 1 month, the longest was two months, rinse and repeat. Same old, same old.

I’m not in love with him. But I am extremely fond of him and we just get each other. We love the same TV shows, have amazing back and forth, confide in each other and the main reason as to why I run back, is his ability to treat me like a goddess. This guy has got mad skills that drive me insane with desire. So over the last year we have been on a journey going nowhere but most definitely enjoying the ride! So we go from the worst date of my life, to one of the best 🙂

As I checked my online dating profile, I came across a profile that was hilarious. He quoted the Simpsons in it, looked super cute in his profile pic and just seemed like the coolest guy that I wanted to get to know. This feeling doesn’t happen much, so I knew that I should go with my head and start talking to this cutie. We spoke for a few days, he was incredibly sensitive, as I confided in him that my grandmother had just passed away and I was in an interesting head space. He was super lovely and it turns out that we had heaps in common. We would play stupid games and he would answer all of my questions. After a week we had decided that we would go out for drinks. I was flawed by the fact that he brought up money though and planned that we would go round for round. Don’t get me wrong, I do not expect anything from anyone. But I hate talking about money. I thought this was weird but I still wanted to go out with him.  As I had had a big weekend, I asked if we could do dinner instead. Before we were going to do that though, we were going to add each other on Facebook. This scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want him to see photos of me blind, laughing with my make up running down my face, or my arms out thinking I look like Victoria Beckham when I look like Kirstie Alley and I am not talking about her in Cheers. Against all of my reservations, I added him. The funny thing was we had many mutual friends and he knew good friends of mine quite well. We found it hilarious and I think that he was comforted by this fact. I figured that if we had nothing to talk about, I could at least bring this up. We would talk late into the night and exchanged numbers. He called me and we chatted, I was so nervous but his voice calmed me and he was so easy to talk to. I was excited to get to know him and it subsided my feelings for another unavailable gentleman. He had decided where he was going to take me, as it had excellent vegetarian options, sooooo sweet. 

I was on holidays and ended up seeing my friend – the unavailable gentleman. I got ready for the date and ended up dropping my friend/lover home. The car ride was incredible. He kept on asking details about the upcoming date and I blushed and avoided the questions. As we were friends, there should not be a problem in discussing other people. As he described the girl that he was currently dating, it seemed that everything he mentioned was the opposite of me. I was crushed, how was I going to spring back from this and be my best self on this first date? I cried the entire hour it took, from dropping off my ‘friend’ to where our date would take place. One of my greatest anxieties that I face is going to place, looking around and getting stood up. As I found a park and fixed my make up, I looked over the road and recognised my date. This made me feel much better as we could walk there together. He approached my car and kissed me on the lips. Ohhh wow! This guy was super confident and the kiss took me aback. We nervously strolled to the restaurant together. I was super excited and felt at ease with this tall gentleman that walked beside me with so much swag and a kind heart. I was extremely intrigued. We reached the restaurant and he bought us drinks. I was uncomfortable while he purchased the first round of drinks. The first glass of red went down without a hitch and the conversation was flawless. We ordered dinner and I was so nervous with the whole paying thing yet again. Although the money thing was always in the back of my mind, the realisation that we had so many things in common was lovely. This first date was getting hit out of the park. We ate a delicious dinner and then had more drinks, for which he yet again paid for. I had butterflies full of nervous energy and was not sure if he was enjoying himself as much as I was. We ended up leaving after a few hours.

On the walk to our cars, we ran into a girl friend of his, which he introduced me to. He was super polite and the three of us spoke for a while. After she left, he said something which at first, made me blush like a crazy woman. I am so glad that I got to pay for your dinner when I ordered everything. One of the last dates that I had been on, I paid for her meal and she ended up yelling at me saying ‘don’t you think that I can pay for my own meal?’ His face looked absolutely tortured from that experience and that is why he had brought up the subject of money before the date itself. The poor guy. What a mean woman, she could have gone about that situation in a hundred different ways, but she chose to yell at him? That made me like him more. What a kind guy. When we reached my car, we had a perfect kiss to the end of a perfect date..

Over the next few weeks, we would see each other about every three days. He was funny, we liked all of the same things and our chemistry was electric. We started getting intimate and while I type blushing furiously, I can tell you, just you 😉 that nobody has ever made me feel the way that this certain gentleman has made me feel, I was and maybe am still addicted to his moves. I would fully commit to being Yoko and him being John Lennon and never leave his room again…that’s how addicted I am.

When I think back to my dating history, I have had two major relationships in my life. One I look back on fondly, the thought of him makes me smile and I wish nothing but happiness for him. The other I look back on less favourably and consider that I dodged a bullet by us no longer being together. I like being able to look back at the first and feel like that. I was excited to write about this story because this is another guy that makes me smile like a Cheshire Cat. I like thinking about him, talking about him, talking to him and think he is awesome. I like that feeling 🙂

I hope all of the relationships that follow make me feel that way, even if they end. Like this one just did, in the early hours of the morning, with kind words, a dirty phone call, some tears, but no bad feelings.

Seedy lines and sticky bar floors

As we all get excited about another weekend approaching, my thoughts turn to “banging tunes and DJ sets and dirty dance floors and dreams of naughtiness”. The appeal of going out never used to really excite me… that was until this year. I don’t know what has happened, but something is bouncing off me and I’m not sure what it is. People say dirty, seedy lines to me and it’s a first, it’s also pretty gross and definitely hilarious. In one week, I was approached by three different gentlemen with the following lines:

1) A wiry blonde skater that has no trouble getting pretty ladies, they frequent the bar he works at, praying that he will lavish an evening of sensual delights on them. We have known each other for a while and harmlessly flirt but one day things escalated quickly when he said to me “come home with me, I want to reverse wheelbarrow you.” I wouldn’t be surprised if my face burst into flames from the blushing of my cheeks, while I quickly backed into another room to hide. I don’t even know what it means. I’ve discussed it with a lot of people just because I’m trying to work it out. I guess he holds my legs, but which way does my body face to make it reversed? So many questions, so much confusion, so much embarrassment.

2) The skaters housemate, who is exactly my type, tall, dark features, so you would think I would be interested. However, he is a form of man, that I have trouble being around. He is a stickler. He is a know it all. He was laying on my couch later that night, when he gave my girlfriend and I a wink and said that he was “there for the taking” until he passed out and we ended up putting make up on him and bright purple nail polish on his most beautiful toes. Which I am sure was much more fun than the awkward threesome that he had in mind.

3) Last but not least, a guy I have known for years, he is overtly sexual, which makes me cringe, was a Virgin until recently and thinks that I’m extremely promiscuous because I’ve slept with a person in the last decade. I actually felt myself vomit a little bit in my mouth when I read the next line on my Facebook message “hmm I know a point attached to me that wouldn’t mind drinking you”. Again, the embarrassment and the confusion was overwhelming.

I can understand when guys say these lines and there is no one else around. I can even understand if they use these lines on 10 women in the hope that at least 1 of them might, in fact, say yes. But the funny lines are the ones said in front of other guys. I was slightly, okay, very intoxicated in the city with a good friend of mine. He is old school and knows I’m poor, so he was being the ultimate gentleman and took me out for drinks. I went to the bar to get the next round and slurred the order, so already I was worried that the bartender wouldn’t serve me and then he hit on me saying that he preferred another kind of rum saying it was more vanilla like him and gave me a wink. I was baffled, is that even a line? He knew I was already with a guy as it was the third time we had lined up, once ordering together. I walked away with the drinks shaking my head. After that bar closed we ended up at the Casino, I’m pretty sure that’s what normal people do on a Tuesday night, right? At the casino we played roulette, to be more accurate, he played roulette. I stole his chips, because I felt bad that he had already spent so much money looking after me. Another guy joined the table and ignored my friend, even though he did not know if we were together or not. The most obvious line being “you can’t be hot all the time.” I laughed and blushed as I tried to coax him into giving me $100 chip, after all I was white girl wasted and did want to contribute to my friends fun times with Bridie tab, that I hadn’t invested a cent in. Unfortunately, he didn’t fall for it and walked away. My friend and I were amused that he didn’t look at him and would only acknowledge him while he was speaking to me. The whole thing was bizarre, so we also walked away to find more booze.

So it seems that books on how to attract men and basic evolution are right, guys love the thrill of the chase. So when I am standing on the dance floor, gazing at a gentleman for a second too long through my gin goggles…I’ll remember to smile, look away and keep that mystique. After all, if they do have the balls to come up and approach me, I love a good line…

*the song that is quoted is Arctic Monkeys – I bet that you look good on the dance floor