A cautionary fairy tale…

Once upon a time, there were three fair maidens that ruled the land. Wait, wait, wait. Once upon a time, there were three hilarious, intelligent, sexy females that ruled the streets of Melbourne. In a bizarre coincidence, these three ladies all dated or lusted after 3 dudes that worked in different shoe stores, which is actually really weird.

The first maiden we will call Messarella. Messarella was trying to distract herself from the throws of life and decided to go on Tinder to build up her self esteem and date random dudes. This was never a problem and she usually had 4 on the go at once. So one day she swiped right to a basketball player that came from Adelaide. They had a mutual friend, so that provided her with some comfort. He was a manager at Footlocker. He would text her day and night and he was a bit of a sexual deviant. When they met up however, he looked strange and complained so much. As Messarealla wanted to keep herself occupied from the 3 other gentlemen she decided to keep him around for a while. It was the perfect situation, he would only stay for 2 hours and she was so sick of him by that time, she would count down the minutes after he had made her scream to him leaving. They tried to go out on a date once, but she felt like she was the mother of a 4 year old. Alas, the glass slipper didn’t fit and he probably went back to jerking off in the back room of the store or the public toilets at the shopping centre he worked at. Definitely not Prince Charming. More like Prince Deviant.

Barbarella, was the second maiden. She also found herself occupying her time on Tinder and she and Messarella sent endless screenshots back and forth. The ladies found Tinder to be somewhat of an interesting sport.Β  It was there that Barbarealla swiped right to a tortured artist who worked at Converse. She was intrigued by this scrub, who never had an money and lived with his sister who had a husband and a child. She would try to help him sort his life out, by listening to his problems, making lists of real estate inspections for him to go to, just by generally being amazing to him, while he was scrubbing it up and being utterly depressed. They had a few fun nights, getting messy but the cloud of misery that surrounded this guy, was not far away. Β He ended up meeting a girl with a stupid name, but who looked exactly like Barbarella and ended things with her. Of course, the new girl he met wasn’t nearly as fun or easy as Barb is and she played mind games with him and totally dumped his ass, so of course he came back to Barbarella with his tale between his legs. However, Barbarella was smarter than this and smashed the glass slipper, and tried to stab him with it.

The third maiden was Hiprella. Unlike the other two ladies, she had met had met Mr. Adidas in the flesh. He would touch her up once a week at his school. Ok, maybe I should clarify that. She would go to the Tafe where Adidas was completing a massage course, she would blush at the thought of his strong hands. Whenever, Hiprella went shopping with another maiden, the other maiden would look in as they walked past the store to see if he was working. These two were teenagers again. If he was working, she would go and buy shoes from him and he was so generous to give her his discount. It was kind of hot. Hiprella would talk to him on facebook and they actually became quite close. Hiprella was getting quite keen on Adidas and decided to tell him that she wanted to hook up with him. He was keen and there was some interesting texts that went back and forth. But after a while, he stopped replying to her texts. He deleted his Facebook account and went MIA. So there was some recon work that had to be done to find out what the hell was this guy playing at, because it is weird to fall off the face of the planet, especially at this time of the interweb and foremost they were friends. Hiprella ended up finding him, but never got an explanation as to why he suddenly shut everyone out of his world. We suspect that he got a girlfriend, but that doesn’t excuse him for bad manners. So Hiprella bought those beautiful pink runners with terrific support and they still have more than enough tread on the bottom to walk on him when they run into each other in the shopping centre.

Therefore, lets teach our daughters to love shoes like Carrie does in Sex and the City. Not to fantasise about men who might help her put them on, because three out of three bad encounters with dudes that work in retail shoe shops should be a cautionary tale. Next story, we will go all Sleeping Beauty on it and talk about the time that I got slipped a date rape drug and woke up with a homeless man. Just kidding, I slipped him the roofie πŸ˜‰

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Tall, dark and handsome? Part 2

Okay okay okay…So I know that it has taken me a hell of a long time to put my fingertips to keyboard and for that I apologise. So here is the final installment of tall, dark and handsome?

As I walked from my apartment to the street, it felt like it was from a jail cell to the electric chair. The constant stream of questions running through my head, how will it go? Will he like me? The usual questions that run through people’s heads before a blind date. I saw a white Jeep approaching.Β  I took a deep breath and approached the car. I opened the door and was waiting for a smile to greet me. It didn’t. I got in the car and we spoke nervously, so far not attracted to him. As he drove, I began to get nervous as he kept one eye, looking me up and down judgmentally and one eye on the road. This is going to be a problem. He grunted at me. What the hell, was I doing?!!?!?!?! As this was my first blind date, I forced a smile, so I would eventually feel like what I was projecting. He was taking me to Crown, of course he was going to go through valet parking, if I was meant to be impressed, I wasn’t. We jumped out of the car and I realised that he needed a ladder to get out of it. He definitely knew how to take a photo in which he looks taller. We finally saw each other standing up, I know that he wasn’t impressed but the feeling was definitely mutual. I love a pair of warm brown eyes, his judgmental eyes did not line up, as in one eye was looking at the ground and one eye was looking at the sky. This took me by surprise, while looking at him straight on. My smile muscles have never hurt more. When we walked through the casino, he grunted at me if I would like to eat anything and we continued basically looking like small children running through the casino, with him walking at least 2 steps in front of me.

We arrived at the cinema and Gold Class was full. We had not thought this through, okay, let me revise that, I had not thought this through. In hindsight, I don’t think that he was worried about the movie we were going to watch. He asked if I would like to see ‘Red Dawn’ as an avid movie goer, I was unimpressed that I had not even heard of this movie and was less keen to see it, but that was the only thing on, so he asked for two tickets to see ‘Red Down’, so I found out that he was also illiterate. We waited outside the cinema, while they cleaned it. We sat down and barely spoke, he continued to look me up and down. I retreated to another world, wondering if I should say I was going to the bathroom and get a taxi home,Β I will definitely never get picked up for a first date again – always drive so I can escape, I could never do that, leave him sitting there unsure and embarrassed, but loved the thought of it. He bought a bottle of water, did not offer to buy me one or tell me where he was going. This guy was most definitely a jerk. Now I may not be timid in my speech, but I am in my actions. So although, I was not at all interested, I did not want to be rude or hurt his feelings, so I smiled through it all, knowing that I could endure the next few hours and go home. As soon as we walked into the cinema, he put the armrest up and his arm around me. For someone that acted like he despised me, this was unexpected. Okay, so my brain failed. This guy was a jerk and I was cuddling up to him. I thought he might be nervous, after all the last few weeks, he had been the perfect gentlemen. We kissed, his breath was terrible, I opened my eyes while we were kissing and his crooked eyes freaked me out, so I quickly closed them again. So we continued to make out. Even as I am writing this, I cringe. He was far more interested in getting further and further, so his hands went down my top and as he grabbed and prodded me. His rough hands pushing through my layers to get through to my soft breasts. The movie was terrible. And every 5 minutes, he would whisper in my ear “lets go back to your place”. To which I would say “No.” He kept on trying to get down my jeans and every time I would grab his hand to hold it instead, he would get mad and throw my hand down and try again. The movie went for sooooo long. I could not look at this guy front on, those cross eyes were definitely a form of karma for trying to violate me. I was so thankful that the date was nearly over, but at the same time, did not know how I was going to get out of the second date if he asked. So we picked up the car, he was quite rude to the super polite valet. On the whole way home he wanted to know if he should pull over so we could hook up in the car. I said “Why? If that was going to happen, wouldn’t we go back to my house?” But I shut it down, that isn’t going to happen. He looked mad and I felt awkward. When we finally approached my house, he turned to me and said “As you have probably guessed, you are not my type.” Excuse me? I was speechless, I laughed in his face and got out of the car. I sent him a message saying “I’m sorry for wasting your time”. But what I really meant wasΒ You’re a dick.

Every time I see him on the TV or on the ground with my football team, I laugh. So the date was sooo terrible, but it always reminds me, that if I can get through that and laugh, I can get through anything. After all, its just a few hours.

So the second part of this story is now called Short, Grumpy and cross eyed.